Because no nursery is complete without a stack of aspirational tabloid fodder, the influence-gatherers at Forbes have revived their gloriously obscene annual survey of "Hollywood's Hottest Tots." And this year, after much plotting and Scientological back-room lobbying on her behalf, we're thrilled to see 2007's first runner-up Suri Cruise finally usurp Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in a bloody, Gerbers-smeared skirmish for top-toddler supremacy. And, "in a sinking economy," the editors note competition is only going to get tougher from here:

This is exactly the kind of thing we're hoping the recession will wipe out: the class of artists like who sell use their personal juices in the art—and sell it for a lot of money! It isn't punk. It isn't Dada. Freud would have a helluva lot to analyze—unless you're just hard-core mercenaries. But! These artists can't do it alone—they need enabling dealer/gallerists like Javier Peres, who's profiled in the New York Observer today. Blame him for Dash Snow's semen/New York Post collage, Terence Koh's Art Basel installation of his own alleged gold-covered poo ($500,000), and a guy who made "super-realist bird droppings." But we're hoping he'll collapse under his own excess:

· The island escapees have reconvened in Century City. · Left-behind leaders Juliet and Sawyer are clearly going to "do it." This will set up a love square that will only reach its last inevitable permutation when a jealous Smoke Monster catches Sawyer and Jack snuggling after a Season 6 CPR session turns unexpectedly amorous.· Jeremy Davies's bid to change his season-long "skinny tie" costume to a form-fitting tank top and cutoff jeans has still been rejected by producers. · The exclusion of original cast members Emilie de Ravin (Claire) and Daniel Dae Kim (Jin) can mean only one thing: a sassy, Private Practice-like spinoff! · In the tradition of "What's in the hatch?" and "Who are the Oceanic Six?", Season 5 will tease out its overarching mystery, "Just how much chest hair does Jack have right now anyway?" for as long as is humanly possible.

America, as we've learned, has a big PR problem. The rest of the world doesn't like us so much! Our current president is something of a laughingstock, you see, and we have this problem with expecting others to live up to the ideals we espouse as we fail to live up to them ourselves. You can see how that might bug people, right? Thankfully we're done with the Bush administration. Listen to how little Bush is respected by the Russians and French:

Flavor Savers. While we can say with some confidence that we got the mustache beat covered, BestWeekEver.tv is doing some wonderful work in the realm of celebrity beard sciences. Today they bestow their First Annual Milk NYC Premiere Beard Awards. Each was later presented with its own Golden Beardie— a trophy which, legend has it, was modeled after Mimi Rogers's naked, neglected body. Heads up: Valentino has a naked face, but will not fail to surprise and delight. [BWE]

Pirates are now the most important news in the world! Fox Business News is calling pirates "The New Face of Terrorism." The scary new face! But are they really new? The New York Times has written six dozen stories about Somalian pirates in the past ten years, and they're just picking up steam. We know the Somali pirate crew currently menacing African waters has a good PR man. Maybe he's to thank? We took a look back at a decade of pirate coverage and found that the raggedy scalawags have a long media history: [A mere sampling of the highlights]: New York Times: 2/3/99: "Murderous Pirate Attacks Are on the Rise" 9/12/01 (OMINOUS DATE!): "Pirate Militias From Somalia Spill Into the Gulf of Aden" 7/1/05: "Somalia: Pirates Seize Tsunami Aid Ship" 11/6/05: "Pirates Attack Liner Off Coast of Somalia" 12/4/05: "After Attack, Cruise Ships Rethink Security" 7/3/06: "Waters That Prompt Fear From the Toughest of Sailors" (The waters of Somalia, that is) 1/10/08: "Pirate Attacks Increased in 2007, Maritime Group Says" 9/27/08: "Somalia Pirates Capture Tanks And Unwanted Global Notice" That's the one that started this most recent wave of coverage. Everyone has been getting worried about these pirates for years! The Washington Post was late to the game, but they jumped on the story in 2005 when a cruise ship was attacked and have been covering it regularly ever since. Others saw it much earlier: USA TODAY: 2/2/01: "Pirates loot the fruits of 21st century trade 'There is no law' in certain waters of Southeast Asia" The Brits were on the case even earlier! The Guardian UK: 9/18/99: "Bizarre tale of Briton killed by pirates; Family's doubts about attack on yacht in lawless seas off Somalia" And later: 11/7/05: "Seamen call for UN piracy taskforce" HEH. So you see, it's not all fear and terror. Pirates inspire us! Many people would secretly love to be pirates. We only get serious about them if any other response seems inappropriate. The best evidence of that: New York Post: 11/6/05: "YO-HO-WHOA! PIRATES HIT CRUISE SHIP" (Funny) 4/12/08: "FRENCH NAB PIRATES & BOOTY" (Still funny) 10/1/08: "EXTERMINATE THAT PLAGUE OF PIRATES" (Now it's serious!)

Is it possible to turn on the news and not hear about another ship that's been hijacked by a bunch of Somali pirates looking to collect some extortion money? Piracy at sea hasn't generated this much public attention since the 16th century! Naturally, we don't condone these violent, criminal acts, nor do we recommend taking up a career as a pirate, even if you were just canned by a media company or investment bank and you're wondering how you're going to pay your rent next month. But if you've already made up your mind and you're planning to take the LIRR out to the Hamptons, rent a Zodiac, and take over the boat of a local billionaire—or you're just planning to pay a friendly visit and drop off your resume in person—we've put together a colorful chart of yachts owned by a bunch of notable New Yorkers, just so you make sure you're climbing aboard the right ship. Just don't blame us if you're subjected to a treatise on the economy by Steve Forbes, a lecture on Scientology by Greta Van Susteren, or a tongue-lashing by Judge Judy. The larger chart is here.

The Wall Street Journal invited Rahm Emanuel to address some business leaders and invite them to, uh, advise the incoming president about what he needs to do. Because you know who don't get enough input into how the world is run? Corporate executives. It didn't matter, though, because Rahm just said, basically, "fuck it, we'll do it live." Universal health care? Full speed ahead! The Journal describes Emanuel as being "combative with a business audience." He wouldn't say they'll give the unions everything the unions want, but he wouldn't say they wouldn't either. He pinned the blame squarely on the assembled corporate types, of course, for fucking over the middle class for twenty years.

The market tanked once again today: The Dow dropped more than 400 points to close below 8,000 for the first time since March 2003. We'd share with you some good news, but we're not sure there is any, so you'll have to dream something up yourself. [CNNMoney]

Microsoft's chair-hurling 800-pound gorilla slammed the door on talk of a renewed Yahoo acquisition deal at today's shareholder meeting in Bellevue, Washington. "We are done with all acquisition deals with Yahoo ... We did our best. We've moved on." In business, this often means: We'll be back. For now, though, Ballmer said he'd rather cut a deal to serve Live Search results to Yahoo users — as a vendor, not an owner. Why can he speak with such confidence? Because he's already snapped up Yahoo's key search engineers.

"Here is only one thing worse than being unemployed," a recent e-mail to me began. "Being employed." Office culture has sucked more than usual recently. Everyone's completely paranoid about layoffs, and all the big companies are cancelling Christmas parties. They were an important company-designated place for employees to act out, get loose, and maybe do something inappropriate—a poorly-chosen liaison will have the office bonding over gossip for months. But Christmas holiday parties are out of step with today's office culture, anyway—it seems that the modern office grows more and more alienating. More of us "talk" to people in close proximity to us all day by using a keyboard and screen.(Then you get home and wonder what to do with your evening, and why you're so tired.) We are alone together—surrounded by people, but people who are are sitting in front of screens wearing earbuds, listening to their separate musics, updating their personal social networks, and living in their separate bubbles. Maybe that's another reason why people like Mad Men so much: it takes us back to a time when you really did forge personal friendships (or other "connections"), and pal around with your co-workers. Even the two most recent novels about work, And Then We Came to the End, by Joshua Ferris, and Personal Days, by Ed Park, mostly concentrate on the paranoia and gallows humor around arbitrary layoffs. "But considering the ubiquity of the work experience in American lives... perhaps the question shouldn’t be why there are two work-related novels right now but why there aren’t many more," wrote the NYT recently. Anyway! You don't have to worry that much about whether Christmas/holiday/Kwanzaa/Chanukkah parties are outdated, because if you work in media, you probably won't be having one: Newsweek isn't, nor is Hearst or Conde Nast or Viacom or ABC News or NewsCorp. Uh-oh. From my desk, I can see three of the top dogs having a smoke outside right now. It's making me nervous.

♦ The Marc Jacobs bribery scandal has finally been resolved. Earlier this year, it was alleged that an employee of the Armory was paid off so that Jacobs' company could secure the venue for runway shows. Now the company has paid $1 million to settle the matter. In happier news, Jacobs says he's eager to make an honest man of his boyfriend Lorenzo Martone: "If I can get him to marry me, I would." [NYP, The Cut]
♦ The Scientologist wears Miu Miu? Katie Holmes is rumored to the new face of Prada's hipper, younger sister. [Fashionologie]
♦ Miuccia Prada's non-sartorial items are diversifying at a dizzying pace: Here's a handy guide to Prada's phones, trinkets, and even cars. [SassyBella]

ABCNews.com was way ahead of the Prop 8 curve, promoting early debate on what would evolve into the hot button topic of the day with such non-award-winning reportage from the front lines of the sexual-orientation culture wars as "Stars' Gay Marriage Possible Career Suicide," and "H'wood's Bisexual Double Standard: Hot for Girls, Gross for Guys." Today, they once again enter the emotional fray, with a sensitively argued think-piece entitled "Prop 8 Sparks Gay-Black Divide: Wanda Sykes Comes Out Amid Black Homophobia and Interracial Division Between Gays." It begins:"When comedian Wanda Sykes disclosed during a rally in Las Vegas this week that she has been in a same-sex marriage since October, no one cheered louder than those who face the double indemnity of being black and gay." "Double indemnity?" Yes, growing up black and gay is a lot like a life insurance clause payable upon accidental death. Thanks for your keen, not-at-all-exploitative insights into this sensitive issue, Susan Donaldson James. Why aren't we surprised you also happen to be the writer of "Stars' Gay Marriage Possible Career Suicide?" Bonus STFU Link: D.L. Hughley explains to Dan Savage how he isn't "particularly homophobic, but when I read the bill, I found it confusing." Kind of like how we find his fame confusing, and the fact that CNN has given him a show confusing.

"My blog, because the press never gets it right." This 2006 Hewlett Packard ad featuring Dallas Mavs owner and dotcom bazillionaire Mark Cuban shows why it'll be fun to watch him fight with the SEC over a chump-change $750,000 windfall from what the lawmen claim is insider trading. Cuban is a crazy super-multitasker who gets 1,000 emails a day, yet still had time to do Dancing with the Stars. Halfway through this ad, he checks off The Smartest Guys in the Room, a documentary about the Enron scandal that he coproduced. My guess on this week's insider trading charge against him? He did it, not thinking through the risks. But he's going to make the SEC look like a bunch of dolts on the Internet. Pass the popcorn!

Whoa: The opening night film at the Sundance Film Festival is typically regarded as pedestrian fare, so we had little hope for this year's selection. Then, this morning, programmers announced the 2009 pick: Mary and Max, a claymation movie starring Toni Collette and Philip Seymour Hoffman, narrated by Dame Edna. We could only be more excited if Hoffman's wrinkly avatar somehow resembles Omar from The Wire. [Sundance]

Bill O'Reilly, to paraphrase Jon Stewart, never gets out of his limo. The Fox News conservopundit loves to sit behind his desk and say crazy things about liberal enclaves that he never visits like Greenwich Village and San Francisco and then goes home to Manhasset on Long Island, where he lives. And, well, it's kind of hilarious! Recently Bill was on The Daily Show and warned us about all the liberal jive-talkers living in the Village, as if Bob Dylan were still roaming the streets. And then just this week he sent some "reporters" to gay, reefery San Francisco to find out what the secular, progressive city has spiraled into. And it's not pretty! Hobos smoking funny-smelling cigarettes everywhere. Hobos of all sorts! Young street punks, 60's washouts, black people. They're all shambling around, scaring people with babies with their open-mindedness and crazy un-Christian idea of not judging people. And, um, we were just there. It ain't that way. It all seems pretty nice to us. With fancy condos and well-heeled folks and hipster coffee shops out the wazoo. Though, I guess that's probably equally terrifying to the suburban boy. Watch his Greenwich Village stereotyping and San Francisco bashing (it's srsly hilarious) above.

Last week an Ohio woman filed suit against Victoria's Secret for selling itchy bras allegedly manufactured with formaldehyde. Now another woman has decided to jump on the bandwagon! In a Federal class action lawsuit filed on Monday, Jerilyn Amaya alleges that Victoria's Secret "fraudulently concealed" the fact that its undergarments cause "allergic reactions, contact dermatitis, blistering, itching, hives, rashes, scarring, [and] systemic reactions." Sounds painful! Amaya is now asking a court to impose punitive damages on the company on behalf of herself and any other consumers affected by the faulty bras, a group that, we assume, does not include Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio, both of whom appeared to be blister-free when they walked the catwalk for Victoria's Secret in Miami this past weekend. Amaya's full lawsuit is after the jump.

No one knew exactly what the Blueprint division of videogame maker Electronic Arts was up to. Officially, it didn't exist. Now, it officially hasn't been shut down, but there's no one working on it. An ex-employee who blabbed to Variety tried to explain: Blueprint's dozen or so staff were charged with creating a way for EA to reliably develop games without hiring onsite, full-time employees. Now more than ever, you'd think that's a businessworthy project. Instead, Blueprint seems to have confirmed there's no substitute for a building full of crazed code monkeys with all the hardware and free snacks they need to crank out Madden NFL 09.

Except for the simmering, hate-fucky annoyance that Matt Lauer dishes out to Ann Curry on a daily basis, Today had always existed in a G-rated realm of sexuality until this past fall, when the gloves — and the blouses — came off. First, Marcia Brady revealed touching tales of family-bred syphilis, then the bastard son of Jay Thomas doffed his shirt to reveal some silky lingerie. Today, though, Lauer had to contend with a producer who blew his throw to commercial with a rather distracting, extreme close-up of French First Lady Carla Bruni's rack. It was while watching this show that Barack Obama turned to Michelle and said, "You're only doing GMA from now on." [Today]

It's hard to think of a comedian who it hasn't happened to. Once pigeon-holed as a laugh-getter, the comic's desire to be taken seriously grows and grows. And for some strange reason, Judd Apatow's current project Funny People wants to have it both ways: the yuks and the tears. This "hilarious drama", as Apatow refers to it, has a high profile cast that includes former standups Sandler, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Eric Bana, and while Vanity Fair is already on the movie's jock over a recent table-read, history tells us that Funny People will be more sad than hilarious.Since the sad part is already in the script, Sandler and Rogen were practicing their in-character stand-up routines from Funny People (mostly about masturbation) at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater last month in anticipation of honing material for the film. But Funny People isn't just about a bunch of hilarious folks — it's about how much they learn.