Early estimates say Twilight sucked $7 million from last night's sold-out midnight screenings, and Fandango sends word this morning that tickets are selling online at a rate of five per second. Here to break it down for you now are the authorities at Fox and Friends, who have their own expertly tweaked statistics and observations to help put the phenomenon in its appropriate perspective. Did you know, for example, that 81% percent of all females — "better known as babes," we're told — plan to see the the film? Or that teen girls were turned on to the franchise by their mothers, not the other way around? Watch now for a veritable windfall of revelations, and years from now, remember where you were when Twilight finally got the fair and balanced treatment it deserved.

Big news on the Saturday Night Live Obama comedy crisis front: the show is auditioning several comedians who may take the Obama impersonation role from the workmanlike but not-so-funny Fred Armisen. And these new comedians are black, like Obama himself, coincidentally! And even more importantly, one of the contenders is reportedly our close personal friend Jordan Carlos, who already made his case for the role directly to Gawker readers! Three others are also in the running. But we really hope Jordan Carlos gets it, because then we are totally going to demand some free tickets for ourselves! And, of course, for you as well. We totally called it. Maybe. [Daily Beast]

With a name like SearchWiki, you know it's going to be clever, yet stupid. Google has spent ten years and I don't know how many hundred million dollars refining a rocket-science algorithm for ranking Internet search results. Now, a few Google coders have whipped up a feature that lets you boost or cut the scores of individual websites from your own future searches. For example, grudge-o-matic TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington can click his own posts to the top of any Google search he performs. With one more click, he can remove Valleywag entirely from his life. That frees us to post as many photos of Big Mike's girlfriends as we want. Everybody wins! Personal note to Google engineer Amay: Next time you make a video, try to go longer than seven seconds without saying "cool."

· The CW dumped its Sunday night Media Rights Capital time buy, an experiment in third-party programming gone awry. From now on, all their schedule outsourcing will go to tween drama factories in India, with Rumor-Mongering Child Goddess and Maa Tujhhe Salaam 813223 set to premiere mid-January. [Variety] · SAG and the studios will meet in a marathon negotiation session—their first in four months—which should give them plenty of time to quibble over Hulu residuals as workmen repossess the desks, chairs, and office supplies around them. [Variety] · Universal inks a deal with the estate of Robert Ludlum that would give them exclusive rights to any more Bourne books coming down the pipeline, including but not limited to The Bourne Code, The Bourne Diet, and The Bourne's Just Not That Into You. [Variety] After the jump: Which former SNL shlub is now channeling some Justin Therouxesque, bespectacled sex appeal?

Famously harsh New York Times book critic Michiko Kakutani has clearly taken a liking to prolific New Yorker writer and "Deadline Poet" columnist for The Nation Calvin Trillin's latest political book: apparently moved to write a poem, she reviewed it in verse. You know, in the style of his book, also written in verse! "Trillin recounted this all with verve and élan/Charting the candidates’ every slogan and plan." Check out the excerpt—and then you can turn the table and judge her poetic efforts.

It was a fantasy left over from the last boom: Hire a movie star to pitch your startup, and the dusting of tinsel will turbocharge sales. Those William Shatner ads sold plane tickets for Priceline, right? But the career of hard-partying entrepreneur Andrew Frame did not follow that script. We hear he was just fired as CEO of the Internet-phone startup he cofounded, Ooma. His most notable decision, hiring actor Ashton Kutcher as "creative director," did not pan out; Kutcher made a few incomprehensible videos, and then faded from the scene.Frame, a high-school dropout who'd nevertheless managed to get a job at Cisco, the networking-equipment maker, could have been at least a TV star himself; he looks eerily like Will Arnett's G.O.B. character on Arrested Development. And Ooma's products, the Hub and the Scout, are pleasant enough to look at, too. As if there wasn't enough of a Hollywood connection, Frame lied about the Palo Alto-based startup's age.

The financial reports of the New York Times Co. yesterday were predictably awful. Print ad revenue was cratering even before the stock market collapsed, so it's hard to see any turnaround in the near future. And as if the economy itself isn't giving the Times enough problems, they're also dealing with Rupert Murdoch trying to crush them, advertising-wise, in a pincer grip; the Wall Street Journal is falling on their head, and the New York Post is coming right up their ass. Rupert made a lot of noise about taking on the Times directly when he bought the WSJ. But he has a big advantage: another major newspaper in the same market. So while the WSJ is trying to steal away the NYT's high-end advertisers (and succeeding)—luxury watchmakers, Tiffany & Co., expensive liquors, and corporations running "message" ads—the other News Corp. paper, the unprofitable Post, is competing with the Times for middlebrow advertisers and upper middle class retailers in New York City—Bergdorf Goodman, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, car dealerships, cell phone companies.

♦ ABC has ordered up new episodes of Life on Mars, but it has no plans to shoot new ones of Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money, or Eli Stone. [THR]
♦ Penguin's Ann Godoff will be publishing pollster Nate Silver's two books as part of the deal he signed for $700,000. [NYO]
♦ Michael Phelps has signed on as a pitchman for Subway. [AdAge]
♦ Ted Turner's autobiography will make its debut on the New York Times bestseller list this week at No. 8. Also: Artie Lang, Howard Stern's sidekick, has landed a six-figure book deal. [NYP]

Well, that depends on how you define "undo." Ratings-wise, it's down a tenth from Jennifer Aniston's episode last week, which itself was down from Oprah's the week previous. (THR suggests that's not so much a bad sign for the sitcom as it is a natural settling after the season premiere bump it enjoyed following Feylinmania.) But if you define it as a return to form, then yes, something about Martin's presence—playing Gavin Volure, an agoraphobic Ted Turner type you later find out is actually under house arrest for embezzlement and racketeering—clicked the show back into all cylinders after a subpar third season start. Among its gems: the introduction of the term "away-toilet situation" into the popular lexicon, hand-puppet voodoo, and a description of Toronto as being "just like New York, but without all the stuff." Then there's the first date sequence above, in which Volure unwittingly presents himself as Lemon's sexless, TV show-goofing dream man. [30 Rock Full Episodes]

What, someone's hiring? Fixya, which is doling out the free food at Lunch 2.0 today, is hiring. Grab a bite and a job. Tomorrow indulge your YouTube habit. Your favorite timesuck is streaming live from the Herbst Pavilion at Fort Mason in San Francisco. Watch the new product launch/party featuring your favorite Internet stars at home or in person starting at 5 p.m. After you kill some brain cells, try learning something. The Mishap Science Fair is bringing science to Mighty. Drink, dance, and relive the best part about 3rd grade — baking soda eruptions. (Photo by Mike G. Ottawa)

In the United States, an uncomfortable talk show interview usually involves an uncommunicative Twilight star or a vaguely gross suggestion of backseat nookie from Jay Leno. Across, the pond, however, restrictions are looser — or at least they were, until Russell Brand mucked things up in the ribald BBC voicemail scandal that we still don't fully understand (we think it involved Fawlty Towers, Satanists, and a giant bird's nest of hair). Now, British chat show host Jonathan Ross is being investigated for another example of bad language (shown in the above clip), in which he asks A-list actress Gwyneth Paltrow about her kids and then announces that he would like to fuck her and that she's clearly "gagging for it." Someone's been taking interview tips from The Advocate!

"There should be no Business Group, Technology Group or Business Unit-funded holiday parties." That's the extra bullet through the heart in an email being sent around Cisco. I've screencapped only part of it, because I promised not to provide any pointers to my leaker. Here's the ASCII text version:

Gucci celebrated the launch of its Tattoo Heart Collection on Wednesday, a line of products that benefits UNICEF. Rihanna, who is the new face of the campaign, was joined Gucci creative director Frida Giannini at a snowflake lighting ceremony at the Grand Army Plaza, which was followed by an event at Gucci's flagship and dinner at the Plaza's Oak Room. Guests included Madonna, Penn Badgley, Blake Lively, Adrian Grenier, Monet Mazur, Timbaland, Mary J. Blige, Erin Wasson, Becki Newton and Chris Diamantopoulos, Kelly Rutherford, Patricia Field, Charlotte Ronson, Shoshanna Lonstein Gruss, Jessica Joffe, Julia Restoin Roitfeld, Mamie Gummer, Eleanor Ylvisaker, Bethenny Frankel, Anja Rubik, Hal Rubenstein, Magnus Berger, Joe Zee, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Lizzie and Jonathan Tisch, and Maggie Betts. [Style.com, NYO, PMc, Wireimage]

Yesterday New York magazine laid off Gael Greene, a food critic there for the past 40 years. Apparently the recession is hurting New York like everyone else—not as drastically as everyone else, of course, but enough to have to pare down their fat roster of restaurant reviewers. So is this just a longtime employee being pushed out, or a sign of something worse under the surface?
New York is owned by billionaire Bruce Wasserstein, the CEO of investment bank Lazard. Does he have money problems? Well, let's see:

Hey, you know what will be nice? Whoever the hell Barack Obama appoints to the FCC can't possibly be as incredibly asinine as the current crew. Back in 2004, popular singer Janet Jackson's nipple destroyed America's innocence forever. The FCC fined CBS stations $550,000 for allowing the nipple to terrorize the children. The Third Circuit Court of Appeals threw out the fine, because the FCC has for decades not punished fleeting, incidental nudity on television, and also because come on get over it. But the FCC is now appealing to the Supreme Court, which may find in their favor! The Supreme Court is already dealing with the FCC's fight with Fox. Fox's crime? Allowing Bono to swear on television. We want Bono off our televisions as much as the next guy, but the new FCC policy of allowing incidental, fleeting profanities in some instances, like news programs or in Supreme Court oral arguments regarding profanity, while handing fines out for random cursing during live award shows is maybe a bit arbitrary and capricious, right? Still, the FCC is liking its chances in the Fox case, and so they are going to fight the nipple thing to the bitter end. Because the founding fathers always intended us to be a nation of prudish vulgarians. (It's in the Constitution's special Unrated edition.)

Are you a horrible camera flash-stained, fraying-at-the-edges tabloid media darling who mourns the loss of the recent American rococo decade? Is everyone being poor and complaining all the time just too much for you? Well worry not, dear inexplicably financed friend, because Dubai is waiting for you! Oh you know about crazy Dubai, don't you? Unlike this ailing and needy nation, the Arab Emirate is flush with sandy money and crazy man-made islands and, ooo, brand-new gaudy hotels! Like a beacon or a lighthouse calling to them out of the icky dark, American celebrities who had it better when the world was gold showed up in droves for the huge, $20 million dollar opening gala for the new Atlantis Palms megaresort in Dubai this week. Look who was there partying while we back here in the home country hopped boxcars and ate cold soup thickened with sawdust: Cocaine-snazzled actress Lindsay Lohan, who is now a gay person dating a gay woman who deejayed at the bash. Odious "actress" and model Mischa Barton (who, OK, was born in England, but she made her money here). Tax-dodging half-vampire Wesley Snipes. Too-bored-to-ever-know-where-she-is fashion plate Mary Kate Olsen. I guess things here in the patriotic old US of A got a bit too messy for them, a bit too elbow-greasy. So they flit on over to some twirling, towering desert city of steel and glass where the champagne still flows and the hotels are tacky and people still have the energy to celebrate it all. Fair-weather Americans if you ask me. While the country burns—literally and figuratively—these folks spent how much on dresses (and, um, banana-yellow suits in the case of Mr. Snipes), to go fete it up in the Middle East and had the audacity to smile?? Well I hope they like it over there in Terrorist Disney World, because they aren't allowed back here. All images via Getty

Coming off an Emmy win and a succession of dues-paying mainstream offerings, Paul Giamatti has clearly earned enough clout to call his next shot the way he wants it. And while some guys would just just wander off to make the "most awful movie they can find," Giamatti has his heart set on a surefire American classic: Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She Vampires.The film would cap a dream dating all the way back to 2002, when Giamatti stumbled upon the cult hit Bubba Ho-Tep in a New York art house, submitting his sizable imagination to the story of an over-the-hill Elvis (Bruce Campbell in the role of his life), a black JFK, and their joint battle against a mummy cowboy in the nursing-home showdown of the century. As Vanity Fair notes today, the closing credits jokily promised a sequel, but the overwhelmed Giamatti wasn't letting Campbell or director Don Coscarelli off the hook. There would be a Bubba franchise, and Paul Giamatti would kick-start it to life, attaching himself as Elvis's doomed manager Col. Tom Parker:

On Wednesday, a 19-year-old young man in Florida killed himself live on the Internet, broadcasting the event by connecting a webcam in his bedroom to Justin.tv, a lifecasting site. Viewers who tuned in and egged Abraham Biggs on, presuming it was a prank, were shocked to see police arrive on the scene a few hours after Biggs stopped moving. What drives a teenager to swallow a bottle of pills on camera? "It's often rage against a loved one, turned inward," one white-smocked expert told me. Biggs's final post suggests rage against several loved ones, turned against himself in an attempt to forgive everyone. Why am I posting this? Because the kid was a good writer. He deserves the pageviews. Look how clearly and concisely he spelled out his worldview in a few sentences:

In this paranoid media climate, you can't even write an salient tongue-in-cheek piece about "desperate drinking" in a desperate media landscape without people assuming that you're sending some message that you've lost your job. Foster, author of a piece for BlackBook called "Desperate Drinking in Desperate Times," says that ever since he and co-writer Ben published the piece, "I've had at least 20 calls and/or emails asking if [editor] Chris Mohney laid me off via [Blackberry message] last night."

What a busy day in Barack Obama's office! It's been less than an hour since news surfaced that Obama may have decided on a treasury secretary. Now the New York Times is reporting that Hillary Clinton has (finally) decided to accept the job of secretary of state, according to "two confidants." [NYT]