Bomb in Paris Department Store leaves secular godless French baffled—how much more coddling do these terrorists need?

It's not just Wall Street bankers, newspaper reporters and auto workers feeling the effects of the financial crisis. Take the Bin Laden family, for example. "The super-rich Saudi Arabian family of the world's most famous terrorist is feeling the pinch of the staggering economy, and has seen their fortune shrink by $1.3 billion over the past year." [Luxist]

[The "Top Chef" host, whom we're marrying off, at a film premiere last night; image via INF]

Oh dear: it seems that Muntader al-Zaidi, the heroic Baghdad Shoe Thrower, is being treated just about as well as we expected in custody. But there is a bright side:

According to a new study, 48 percent of women and 30 percent of men said they prefer the Internet to sex. (The 2,000 people questioned were asked which one they'd rather give up for a two week period.) You might want to take the findings with a grain of salt: The research was commissioned by Intel. [NYDN]

Today we have a secret sex tape, a secret life as a sex swinger, a secret shame, and a secret bad reputation. All secret until now!

The liberal portion of the Supreme Court says that average jerks can sue cigarette companies for fraudulently marketing their light cigarettes—which kill you—as safe. Conservatives say no, just shut up and die. Really!

During these hard times, when everything is in flux and no one seems to know what's next, it's nice to know we can rely on the media to take a measured, responsible approach to reporting on the economic crisis. Oh, haven't you heard? Our diminished spending capacity is causing society to dissolve into a maelstrom of crime, violence, drug use and mental illness, so if you're not panicking yet, well, now might be the time to start.

Stereohell, which made a splash recently for its phony ad campaign for American Apparel, is at it again: The subversive design collective's latest work is a proposal to turn investment banks into casinos on the Las Vegas strip. ("The banks didn't 'invest' but gambled... Everything looked under control and glamorous, like under the Las Vegas glittering neon.") The group's ambitious set of drawings and diagrams can be found here. [Stereohell via AnimalNY]

Eliot Spitzer attended the Slate.com holiday party last night. (The former governor is writing a column for the online mag these days, as you may recall.) And just where did Slate hold the event? At Happy Ending, the bar on Broome Street that used to be a massage parlor/brothel. [FT]

• Jimmy Breslin and his wife, former City Council member Ronnie Eldridge, have paid $1.65 million for a 38th-floor apartment in Kent Swig's Sheffield 57, two months after selling their old condo on Broadway for $3.3 million. [Real Deal]
• John Clay, co-founder of the asset management firm Clay Finlay LLC, and his wife Jennifer, have paid $9.6 million for a 20th-floor apartment at 15 Madison Square North. [Cityfile]
• French exec Alain Bréau, currently the CEO of Mory Group, paid $2.08 million for a two-bedroom pied-à-terre at 200 East 66th Street. [Cityfile]

Judi Giuliani is turning 54 today. We're guessing a very expensive gift will be headed her way later today courtesy of the former mayor. Also celebrating: 60 Minutes correspondent Lesley Stahl is 67. Benjamin Bratt is turning 45. TV writer/producer Steven Bochco is 65. Record producer Scott Storch is 35. And Michael Lohan Jr., the brother of Lindsay and son of Michael and Dina, is turning 21.

It's reconciliation day: Letterman invited Leno, Madonna offered to visit Guy Ritchie and even Marc Jacobs dropped the drama. Tom Cruise is still kind of a bastard, though.

The only people who can get jobs in media now are small children who can sound and vaguely look like obnoxious TV personalities, while swearing. Lil' Gordon Ramsay will go far.

• Remember all that talk about how a noble Guy Ritchie was walking away from his marriage to Madonna without asking for a penny? Madonna would like everyone to stop feeling sorry for him and note that he's actually getting somewhere between $75 and $92 million (depending on the value of several real estate properties), making it "one of the largest payouts ever," according to Madge's publicist, Liz Rosenberg. [NYP, Mirror]
• Imprisoned con man (and Anne Hathaway ex) Raffaello Follieri has agreed to pay back $3.6 million to the people he scammed, although it's doubtful it will ever happen since Follieri's lawyers say he's "virtually broke." [NYP, AP]
• Newlyweds Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo are honeymooning at Tommy's home in Mustique and are planning a big reception in New York sometime after New Year's, just so you know. [Cindy Adams]

Last week the Times started a booze blog! Who knew? Today contributor Susan Cheever weighed in with a provocative, some might say intemperate, thesis: There are no more drunks at New York parties.

• Goldman Sachs has posted its first quarterly loss since becoming a public company. The bank says it lost $2.1 billion during the fourth quarter. [CNN]
• BoA is cutting a number of top execs as it merges with Merrill. [WSJ]
• More on Bernie Madoff's biggest losers: Tremont Group had $3.3 billion, or more than half its assets, invested with him. [Bloomberg]
• Madoff's sons do not appear to have been involved in the scam. [NYT]
• Arthur Levitt denies he gave Madoff special treatment as ex-SEC chair. [NYP]
• A fresh fraud: Daniel Laikin, the CEO of National Lampoon, has been charged with securities fraud. [DB]

Anna Wintour's sequined, seahorse-looking Karl Lagerfeld dress was controversial back when the Vogue ruler wore it to the Costume Institute gala in May. Time's final verdict is another slap to the embattled editor.

In 1980, a vacationing Rod Blagojevich camped in front of Richard Nixon's home, with a friend, until the pariah ex-president emerged and this picture was taken. What the hell is wrong with this guy?

Crazy old Betsey Johnson can't afford a runway show during New York's big February Fashion Week, nor can Carmen Marc Valvo. Meanwhile, black is the new black. Depressing.