If you're looking for something to keep you occupied at work today, give C. Brian Smith's article about his regular visits to the White House a read. Smith, who became close to Barbara Bush at Yale, was a frequent guest of the Bushes during the early part of his administration. He also has the rare privilege of being able to say he's successfully carried pot into the West Wing, and has witnessed the President fart (although, in typical Bushian fashion, he deflected responsibility and blamed Barney the dog instead. [VF]

Rex Sorgatz knew an account of his bed-hopping among New York bloggers would ignite controversy; he's the internet infamy expert. But why did he play along with protocelebrity now so worthless?

It's not at all surprising that New York's been rated the nation's fourth most caffeinated city—especially in light of new research which suggests that people who drink a lot of coffee are prone to delusions including hallucinations, hearing voices, and, best of all, sensing the presence of dead people. The highest caffeine consumption looked at in the study was 330 milligrams a day, which is contained in just one Grande cup of Starbucks drip coffee. So treat yourself to a couple of those today and you could forge a whole new career as the next John Edward.

Alarming news for society types who enjoy dressing up their dogs in elaborate outfits: Britain's animal welfare group, RSPCA, is threatening to take legal action against pet owners who "over-dress" their pooches in "restrictive clothing." Fortunately for Tinsley Mortimer, Cece Cord, and Ivana Trump, there's no such law on the books in New York yet. But if our fondness for all things British (Topshop, Agyness Deyn) is any indication, it may just be a matter of time! [Daily Mail]

• Philanthropist and Democratic fundraiser Fern Hurst has put her fifth-floor, 13-room co-op at 1060 Fifth Avenue (left) on the market. It can be yours for $24 million. [Cityfile, Warburg]
• Cristina de Heeren Noble, the daughter of Wanamaker department store heir Rodman de Heeren, has paid $15 million for a 6,255-square-foot penthouse apartment at 1200 Fifth Avenue. [Cityfile]
• Textile heiress/artist Bokara Legendre, who paid $8.1 million for an apartment at 1035 Fifth Avenue back in June, has sold her former residence at 935 Park for $3.625 million. [Cityfile]

Worst birthday ever: Embattled Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit turns 52 today, although we're going to assume that whatever big party Swati Pandi had been planning is not going ahead as scheduled. Others celebrating: 60 Minutes' Andy Rooney is turning 90. Fox News anchor Shepard Smith is 45. The New York Times' Maureen Dowd is 57. Models Karen Elson and Angela Lindvall are both turning 30. Filmmaker Steven Soderbergh is 46. Cranky liberal Eric Alterman is 49. Venture capitalist (and babe magnet) Adam Dell is turning 39. Jason Bateman is 40. Dave Grohl is celebrating his 40th. LL Cool J is 41. Faye Dunaway is turning 68. And Ms. Kristin Cavallari is turning 22 today.

Stalking the Fashion Prey [Quite All Right]

• Citigroup announced yesterday that it would sell a majority stake in Smith Barney to Morgan Stanley, but more change is on the way: The bank is expected to dump two consumer finance units as well as its "private-label" credit card business, which means now your Save the Whales Mastercard is in jeopardy, too. [WSJ, NYT]
• Deutsche Bank reported a loss of $6.3 billion in the fourth quarter. [BN]
• HSBC may need $30 billion to stay afloat. [DB]
• Nortel Networks has filed for bankruptcy protection. [BN]
• Just in case it wasn't eminently clear by all the bad news above, today is expected to be a pretty bad day in the markets. [WSJ]
• Marcus Schrenker was caught last night, but there's a new financial exec to add to the fugitive list: Ex-UBS exec Raoul Weil is now a wanted man. [NYT]
• Bernie Madoff will be in court in person later today when a judge considers an appear from prosecutors who want to imprison Madoff pending trial. [BN]
• Robert Jaffe, the Madoff middleman who failed to show up to meet with regulators yesterday, says he missed the meeting because he's sick. [WSJ]
• More on Tim Geithner's little tax problem. [NYT]

The National Enquirer and Star could theoretically be out of business within weeks, what with publisher American Media facing a creditor takeover or even bankruptcy.

• It's getting ugly between Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony: Star reports that the couple have gotten "physical" and there's been lots of "pushing and shoving," and Lopez has even gone running back to Diddy for help. [Star]
• Heiress Casey Johnson's new short hairdo? It's because she got into a vicious brawl with ex-girlfriend Courtenay Semel, who set Casey's hair on fire and beat her up so badly that she had to be hospitalized. [P6]
• Better not ask Beyonce to dog sit. Staffers at her label, Columbia Records, say she dropped off her shih tzu six months ago but has yet to come pick little Munchie up. [The Sun]

Marcus Schrenker, the accused Indiana insurance swindler who staged a plane crash, nearly ended his life as dramatically as he fake-ended it this past weekend.

Barack Obama's inauguration will be a blessed, historic event. Also, a catalyst for liberal self-caricature, starting with $4 latte-sippers watching the ceremonies in coastal Starbucks cafes. On which network?

Barack Obama is wooing the milquetoast-conservative punditocracy tonight, at George Will's house (obvs). And the Times better have the killer inside scoop, because its columnists are all up in that dinner party.

There's been plenty of talk about celebrity decadence at various Golden Globes-themed parties. But one trusted tipster caught a glimpse of the dark side of Hollywood amid the awards-show buzz.

· When we told you Sunday night that some future confusion may arise from the phrase "Kate Winslet's pair of Golden Globes," Oprah was the last place we imagined we'd find it.

Members of Congress, who have granted themselves the exclusive right to dole out tickets to Barack Obama's inauguration, are outraged that free marketeers on Craigslist are infringing on their monopoly. [Politico]

I spotted ZACHARY QUINTO and his friend/date/Vulcan/whatever trying to talk his way into the HBO party after the Golden Globes. He was pleading for entry because his blood sugar was very low, and he was super hungry — but they wouldn't let him in 'cause he wasn't on the list. If he was so fucking starving, I'm not sure why he didn't just make like Billy Bush and beam himself upstairs to the NBC-Universal party to nosh on a plate of greasy veggies, stale pasta, and a slice of beef that had been marinating under a loverly red lamp all night long. Live long and prosper! [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

Good news, America! The election of Barack Obama has finally freed Will Smith to say what he's always wanted to: that America is not a racist country. Except when it is?

The Media Is Dying, an IV drip of journalistic schadenfreude, reports on a new gig for former Radar executive editor Aaron Gell: editor-in-chief of Hemispheres, United's inflight magazine. We say hurrah!

Doug Allen avoids banishment after marathon 30-hour SAG meeting. [DML]