Everyone from TV is dying. First it was the dude from The Prisoner, and now it's none other than Fantasy Island's (a vaguely similar show in its somewhat ominous tone?) Mr. Roarke. Yes. Ricardo Montalbán.

CNBC's website is reporting that Steve Jobs, Apple's heroic CEO, is taking a six-month leave of absence to deal with his declining health. It is the best thing for Jobs. And for Apple.

• Valentino didn't lose money in a giant Ponzi scheme. He did, however, just lose $39 million to the government of Italy. [NYM]
• Neiman Marcus is laying off 375 staffers. [WWD]
• That giant Forever 21 in Times Square? It's actually going to be a Century 21. [Reuters]
• Disney and Sephora have lots in common. [NYT]
• Liz Claiborne is expected to report big losses for the fourth quarter. Isaac to the rescue! [WSJ]
• Alas, no bar is planned for Topshop. [Racked]
• Annie Leibovitz was spotted at the Hay-Adams in DC yesterday, suggesting Michelle Obama could be on the cover of March's Vogue. [Politico, via]

American Idol will come under scrutiny in the weeks to come, as one former, batty contestant—that sweet crazy-candy that gets viewers hooked from the start—tragically took her own life outside Paula's home during Hollywood Week.

Always wanted to own a President's old car, but haven't been able to find one with a Hemi engine? Now you can buy Barack Obama's 2005 Chrysler 300C for a great price!

Our new favorite artist Dan Lacey—the man who brought you Sarah Palin with pancakes on her head—embodies a weary nation's hope for the future. With class. [You can buy it here]

Celebrity lesbian nexus Courtenay Semel has escalated her scorched-earth game to a stunning, literal new level, reportedly ending a fight with an ex by torching the woman's hair.

Desperate Oscars adopt "guess who" plan for celebrity presenters. [Yahoo]

We may have resurrect the word "Douchebag" for a day, because it's time for another "Fashion Meets Finance" Douche-Dating extravaganza! Jim Cramer will be there! And we have the entire list of attendees:

Have you been paying close attention to the people who have been named to key positions in Barack Obama's incoming administration? Here's one you might have missed: The man who Barack and Michelle tapped to give the White House a makeover. Meet Michael Smith, Newport Beach native and protégé of John Saladino, who describes his sensibility as "old-world European" meets "bright, light California." He also seems to be fond of bipartisanship. Previous clients include Steven Spielberg and Rupert Murdoch. [Domino]

The internet took over House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office, and her Youtube account, and the video evidence (cats! everywhere!) will shock you.

Though Elisabeth Hasselbeck claims she was a designer in her pre-View life, she's best remembered as a considerably less loathsome Survivor contestant. Today, guest Paul McCartney inspired Hasselbeck to finally share her "art" with us.

· As per our suggestion, Jackie Chan is negotiating to play the Mr. Miyagi mentoring role in the The Karate Kid remake with Jaden "Will's Brat" Smith. [THR]

[Ponzi ponce Bernie Madoff arrives at Manhattan Federal Court today for a bail hearing (Update: He's not going to jail) , wearing a bulletproof vest; image via Splash]

Thousands of attorneys have lost their jobs as the economy has spiraled downward in recent months. One group who won't be unemployed in the near future (and probably won't be seeing their husbands and wives much either): The ones who have been retained to defend Bernie Madoff and the men who showered him with cash, people like Walter Noel, Ezra Merkin, and Bob Jaffe. This week, Noel's hedge fund, Fairfield Greenwich, was sued for a third time in as many weeks. The plaintiffs in the most recent suit include several anonymous offshore trusts and a Mexican businessman by the name of Carlos Gauch. But they've lined up a star attorney, David Boies of Boies, Schiller & Flexner, to make Noel's life miserable. Just in case you don't have anything better to do this evening, you can look over the most recent legal assault on Noel after the jump.

Yahoo has long been the leakiest ship in Silicon Valley. So what is its new captain, tough-talking former Autodesk chief Carol Bartz, going to do about it? Cuss a lot!

Granted, it's a worst-case scenario on the fringe of the endless labor imbroglio, but we love a good disaster plot: Could all those outstanding SAG waivers burn movies with studio interest at Sundance?

• Steve Hanson shocker! The restaurateur is closing down SoHo's Fiamma as well as Ruby Foo's on 77th Street, and the Blue Water Grill in Chicago. [Eater]
• Drew Nieporent, Danny Meyer, Alan Stillman, and Jennifer Oz LeRoy are all contenders to take over the Rainbow Room if the Ciprianis are evicted. [NYO]
• How to pay the least and get the most out of Restaurant Week. [NYP]
• Frank Bruni hands out one star apiece to West Branch and BarBao. [NYT]
• Famed Mexican food cart Calexico is opening a restaurant. [NBC4]
• Restaurant recommendations from... personal trainers? [Zagat]

In your grim Wednesday media column: Mandatory "furloughs," flagging magazines, canceled parties, and no more fancy office plants:

That didn't last long. The faux Trader Joe's in Manhattan — "Trader John's" — has already been covered up. Gristede's, the chain that came up with the genius idea, was sued last week. [VanishingNewYork]