Bill Kristol's getting a monthly column at the Washington Post. How wrong do you actually have to be to be barred from prominent punditry? This is why newspapers are dying, people! [The Corner]

Will scientists ever stop destroying our lives? We're sorry to report, men, that according to a new study, masturbating throughout your 20s and 30s will totally give you cancer.

Only four more weeks til the Oscars! Which, if last night's Screen Actors Guild Awards showing by Slumdog Millionaire is any indication, means only 11 more months until your next viable Oscar race.

Last week we mulled an important question: does the popular Barack Obama cutout have white hands? Well now, because of some heroic reporting, a true change has been made.

Just because Marisa Noel Brown's father and husband have been thoroughly disgraced in recent weeks doesn't mean she has any intention of stepping away from the social circuit. Brown is co-hosting Junior Collector's Night at Doubles this Thursday and tickets are still available. Just be prepared to run for the exit if she takes you aside to tell you about a fantastic investment opportunity she's heard about. [GoaG]

Remember the good old days when you used to be able to pick up some ephedrine-containing medicine right off the drugstore shelf any time you needed a remedy for the sniffles, a cheap appetite suppressant, or a light stimulant? Then the crystal meth epidemic came along, and stores instituted limits on the number of boxes of Sudafed you could purchase, a move that supposedly helped curb distribution of the drug. Well, the meth bakers have prevailed: Teams of "smurfers" simply travel to different stores and buy up the meds, and the drug is once again "proliferating," say police. So if you're job hunting, you may want to add "smurfing" to the list. No, it's not quite as prestigious as law or banking. But at least you won't be stuck in a cubicle all day, right? [ABC News]

Have you noticed lately on your television that there are a stunning number of crappy infomercial-quality ads running during prime time? That is because the fancy advertisers are broke. We live in Snuggie's world now.

Rod Blagojevich continued his "if I keep talking they can't impeach me, right?" media tour today with a stop at Good Morning America this morning. What crazy things has he said so far?

• A group of teens who supposedly lost their trust funds to Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme have taken responsibility for covering his Palm Beach estate with toilet paper this weekend. [Palm Beach Post]
• More on what Bernie's sons may (or may not have) known about their dad's scheme. [WSJ]
• What motivated Madoff to carry out his nefarious plot? According to a former FBI profiler, he has all the characteristics of a psychopathic serial killer. [NYT]
• More on the man charged with defending Madoff, Ira Sorkin. [Crain's]

Now that the subways are safer, everyone's scared to come into New York. Ah well. More room for us. [NYP]

You know what sucks? When you pay $18 million for a co-op apartment and only find out after you've moved in that there are protests outside the building every weekend because one of your neighbors happens to design fur coats. The Times reports that an animal rights group has been congregating outside the Beresford since October to protest fur-happy designer Dennis Basso. The noisy gatherings haven't been appreciated by the building's residents (who include the likes of Glenn Close, Jerry Seinfeld, and Bob Weinstein). As for the most recent Beresford arrival, Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit, at least he can take some comfort in the fact it isn't outraged Citigroup shareholders or any of the 50,000 people who've been laid off by the bank in recent weeks who are responsible for ruining his Saturday and Sunday mornings. [NYT]

The rich financiers who brought the world economy to its knees: they're acting up! Lehman's failed chief is pulling shady real estate deals. Citigroup is wantonly buying expensive things. Let's jeer them, collectively!

[Angelina Jolie and Mickey Rourke greet each other at last night's Screen Actors' Guild awards; image via Getty]

"This is William Kristol’s last column." What a shock! Is January over already?

Today we have a sex-crazed rehabber, a demanding tiny celebrity, a slur-spewing actor, a kinky couple, and a spoiled brat.

It's time for another bitter shot fired in the impenetrable politico-media war over Caroline Kennedy's failed Senatorial bid! Today, more on Caroline's "secret reason" for dropping out. To the press, this is manly fun:

The World Economic Forum kicks off tomorrow in Davos, Switzerland, but it won't be nearly as exciting as in years past: The financial crisis has led many CEOs and politicians to abandon plans to attend the conference of heavy-hitters. Goldman Sachs chief Lloyd Blankfein won't be there, although he's reportedly sending "his deputy." Former Lehman CEO Dick Fuld won't be there, of course. Nor will John Thain, who, rather ironically, was scheduled to participate on a panel entitled "The Bank of the Future." And while Citigroup is still sending five executives, the bank's chief, Vikram Pandit, isn't one of them. (Citi isn't sending a "support staff" this year either, which means the execs who do make the trip may be forced to carry their own briefcases and fill up their own glasses of water.) Worst of all? There won't be too many celebs on hand to divert attention away from the depressing, gloomy discussions of economic doom.

Or, you know, she's back on drugs or cutting or something. Her arms are all scratched up. She's tried to hide it with long sleeves, but people have still noticed.

Hope and change has come to Google Maps. The official residence of the vice president, obscured until Dick Cheney's last days in office and residence, now shines in satellite sunlight.

It turns out that a nefarious conspiracy between genetics, sloth, and the irresistibility of deep-fried carbs may not be to blame for people's flab after all. Scientists in Louisiana have studied a common cold virus, Adenovirus-36, and found that obese individuals are nearly three times as likely to have it. "When this virus goes to the fat tissue," explains Dr. Nikhil Dhurandhar, "it replicates making more copies of itself and in the process increases the number of fat cells."