Quelle horreur! Ted Kaufman, the guy appointed to Joe Biden's Delware Senate seat, might secretly not believe in God!

Tesla Motors, the best hope of Silicon Valley's nascent clean-transportation industry, is headed over a financial cliff. The only question is how many customers the electric sportscar maker will take for a ride.

Empire has exclusive behind-the-scenes images from Zack Snyder's Watchmen, featuring a flashback sequence set in Vietnam which explains the possibly Agent Orangey origins of Dr. Manhattan's blue wang.

A tipster (unconfirmed) tells us that Michael Boodro, who was hired two years ago yesterday as editor of Martha Stewart Living, has been let go and replaced by Gael Towey.

The Karate Kid remake's turbulent, Defamer-aided casting process ended weeks ago, but that doesn't mean Ralph Macchio is ready to move on.

Were you looking for a job, maybe with President Obama? Hah, you just got identity thefted! USAJOBS, the government's online job database, has been hacked.

• A list of bars and restaurants where you can eat and drink (and watch the game, of course) on Super Bowl Sunday. [Gothamist, TONY, Citysearch]
• The Spotted Pig will be closed on Sunday. Please plan accordingly. [DBTH]
• A list of the 13 restaurants that closed this week. [Eater]
• How Chloe 81 went from buzz to backlash in a few short months. [NYO]
• Cafe Select's back room now has its own separate entrance; you'll have to go through a sidewalk grate and utility tunnel to get there. [GS]
• Suba's new owners are turning it into a Mexican food restaurant. [TFB]
• Unemployed? You qualify for a free drink at the Delancey on Mondays. [UD]

Your stupid corporate cost-cutting tips are pouring in, like the free water you used to enjoy at the office. Today's cuts: food, water, light, computers, trash cans, and everything at Harper's Bazaar. And dignity:

Think the newly embiggened Jessica Simpson has it rough? That's nothing compared to the poor fat children victimized by the Nintendo cruelty machine Wii Fit, opines hysterical View hostess Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Nick Lachey offers ex-wife Jessica some backhanded support. [Extra]

A bevy of models turned out on Wednesday night to celebrate Australian photographer Russell James' new book at the Stephan Weiss studio. Host Donna Karan and guests like Alan Cumming, Desiree Gruber, Ally Hilfiger, Douglas Hannant, Veronica Webb, and Josh Bernstein mingled with models like Alessandra Ambrosio (left), Angela Lindvall, Erin Wasson, Doutzen Kroes, Brooklyn Decker, Noemie Lenoir, Julie Henderson, Zuzana Gregorova, and Oluchi. [PMc, Wireimage, FWD]

Val Kilmer will preside over the Krewe of Bacchus parade that strolls through New Orleans two days before Mardi Gras, blissfully intoxicated on a heady mixture of beignet creme and boxed wine.

When did the stimulus debate become about Rush Limbaugh? Seriously? This is a failure on everyone's part.

In your dark Friday media column: Every print media company is cutting everything, hipster baby site Babble is clean, and nobody at Davos knows how to save newspapers:

Clusterstock got its hands on the floorplan of Bernie Madoff's penthouse at 133 East 64th Street, which the Post reported today is expected to hit the market in the near future. (There are two penthouses in the building; we understand Bernie's is the one on the left.) Expect tours of the apartment to be very awkward: Since Bernie can't actually leave the place, he may have to hang out in another room while prospective buyers take a look around.

Anna Faris to marry Bright from Everwood. [People]

It's certainly laudable that Van Dien has thrown his weight behind Childhelp (less laudable: his hopelessly wooden acting), but we're not sure how exactly the rated-R, bug-killing character of Johnny Rico is supposed to tie in to this sensitive topic. Still, at least there's one silver lining: a studio's legal rights to a character apparently mean nothing anymore! Whee! Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to get back to Final Cut Pro to finish our PSA on the dangers of crystal meth-addled intercourse (starring Mickey Mouse!).

The track in question is "Outlaw Pete," the very first on new album Working On a Dream. To argue their point, a disappointed fan used the preferred method of all melody-embezzlement whistleblowers—putting the two songs side-by-side on YouTube.

Apple has the iPhone; Google, the G1. Where's the Yahoophone? We hear new CEO Carol Bartz nixed the Yahoo One Phone, a project with Motorola and AT&T, after her daughter got a look at it.

The latest issue of The New Yorker runs 82 pages. What you see above is all—all—of the paid advertising. Is it time to get seriously concerned?