Uber plans to raise another $2 billion, which it will probably use for its favorite cause: subsidizing its own prices in order to drive competitors out of the market. When all of the Uber competitors are finally gone, everyone is in for a big surprise!

At 11:15pm on Monday night, Justin Rice, 40, was arguing loudly with his girlfriend at Bushwick’s HappyFun Hideaway, a neighborhood bar with many queer and trans staff and patrons. The bouncer kicked him out and Rice became violent, The New York Daily News and DNAinfo reports.

Perhaps the most embarrassing aspect of filing for bankruptcy is the well-meaning condolence note from a friend. “I’m so sorry,” more than one has written. That sympathy is often followed by fear for what Facebook director Peter Thiel’s revenge campaign—a billionaire secretly funding lawsuits against publishers, editors, and writers for stories that disrespected him and his friends—means for the functioning of a critical press.

People who work for privately owned companies—even very big ones—are often subject to their bosses’ political whims. For employees of a major Midwestern industrial company, that means regularly being preached to by owners known as the Illinois version of the Koch brothers.

We in the journalism field suffer the daily indignities of a dying industry, so sometimes our bosses try and cheer us up, usually with room temperature pizza sitting in clotted pools of grease. Bad pizza is better than some alternatives, though, such as the cake recently served to some staffers of The Oregonian which caused their bodies to spew shit like a punctured oil pipe.

Although the majority of American say they’re worried about being the victims of terrorism, we are also traveling and going to large, crowded events in record numbers. Deep down, we know that terrorism is a sideshow.

As votes in the Washington, D.C., primary were tallied on Tuesday night—adding up to one last win for Hillary Clinton—the two Democratic candidates met at a hotel on Capitol Hill to make peace after a moderately acrimonious primary season. According to the New York Times, the chemistry between Clinton and Bernie Sanders was “strained.”

On Tuesday, a 2-year-old child went missing in Orlando after the toddler was dragged into a lake by an alligator near Walt Disney World’s Grand Floridian Hotel, WKMG reports.

The good news: After 133 days, 21 hours and approximately 10,000 ill-advised thinkpieces, the Associated Press reports that primary season is finally over, my dudes.

Having powered through the “futile bargaining” phase of the Donald Trump grieving process, the Senate’s bereaved Republicans are now processing the 2016 election as full-on depression, according to reports released Tuesday.

This afternoon on CNN, Anderson Cooper interviewed Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi. You know how these things generally go. The host asks the guest a few questions, the guest regurgitates some talking points, the host tries to pin the guest on a point, the guest evades, everyone laughs, and we go to a commercial. But today would be different!

In 1997, when Guy Fieri and three of his friends released hit single “Walkin’ on the Sun,” they knew they’d finally made it. What they didn’t know, however, was that they’d be beating anonymous Twitter eggs over the head with this fact for the rest of their lives. This is Smash Mouth’s burden.

One day after the Silicon Valley billionaire Peter Thiel revealed his clandestine legal attack on Gawker Media to the New York Times, Gawker reporter Ashley Feinberg published a lengthy investigation that sought to solve the enduring mystery of Donald Trump’s infamous mane, which she described as a “cotton candy hairspray labyrinth.”

An argument between a driver and bike messengers in Manhattan yesterday almost became deadly when the driver pulled out a gun. Reports of a gunman spread, and a local elementary school was even put on lockdown, but thankfully police and firefighters arrived before anyone was shot.

Double stars! Space molecules! Sea dolphins! Moon missions! Dead zones! Pluto-nic findings! And cleanliness of all of the atoms! It’s your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—from a perch of ill repute!

On Sunday, the Jordanian state news agency Petra published a story in which Saudi Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman boasted about funding 20 percent of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. In a statement Monday, Petra said the now-deleted story was published as part of a “hack.”

Lawyers representing the defendants accused of shutting down a bridge as part of an elaborate revenge scheme say Chris Christie—Donald Trump’s unpaid intern and the technical governor of New Jersey—destroyed evidence, including a cell phone, text messages and emails, that connected him to the crime.

Hackers working for the Russian government gained access to the Democratic National Committee’s database of opposition research on Donald Trump, The Washington Post reports. Some of the hackers might have been in the network for a year, with access to all chat logs and email traffic and whatever files of dirt the DNC has collected on Trump—dirt that some analysts say would have become public at some point anyway.

Yesterday, birthday boy Donald Trump went to great lengths to align himself with what he called “the LB and LGBT community.” Just two years ago, though, his support wasn’t quite so effusive when he called in to Fox & Friends to discuss Michael Sam’s history-making post-draft kiss.