Good morning, sweet lover. Our bed is warm and solid. We have a bounty of food to share, food that other lovers have left behind for us. It is warm and pungent where we rest our heads. Wait...what is happening? What's that noise? Why is this dumpster moving?

A Texas Walmart customer had issues with the way an employee prepared her tax return earlier this week, so they talked it out and amicably settled their differences like adults. Ha, just kidding: The customer headbutted the tax prep worker in the face, and the the two wrestled on the ground, clawing at each other's hair, until bystanders pulled them apart.

An off-duty NYPD sergeant was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly raping an underage girl.

Police in the Netherlands raided an otherwise normal-looking house in the city of Haarlem last week when they surmised from the lack of snow on its roof that there was some suspicious activity going on within. The house was full of sweet, sticky reefer. Go figure.

Craig Stephen Hicks, 46, has been charged by Chapel Hill, NC police with three counts of first-degree murder for the deaths of three Muslim college students, who were all shot in the head at an apartment complex near the University of North Carolina campus. All three were pronounced dead at the scene.

Louisiana-born rapper and cousin-fucker Kevin Gates took to Instagram to discuss his problems with women on Tuesday, namely, their steadfast refusal to fellate his literal (as in "woof woof") dog.

On Tuesday afternoon, KFMB-TV sports anchor Kyle Kraska was shot outside his suburban San Diego home, CBS News reports. Police say the suspected gunman, Mike Montana, is armed and still at large*.

Just one day after Time announced his appointment as Jeb Bush's Chief Technology Officer, Hipster.com co-founder Ethan Czahor resigned from the position over ugly comments about "sluts" and black parents.

NBC News has suspended Nightly News anchor Brian Williams for six months without pay, effective immediately. The punishment follows revelations that, over the past decade, Williams misrepresented several details about his experience reporting in Baghdad, Iraq. Most significantly, Williams said a formation of helicopters in which he was flying encountered enemy fire and was eventually forced to land—a story that eyewitnesses have strongly challenged. Under his new contract, Williams would have been paid $10 million per year.

After 16 years as host of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart announced at a live-taping on Tuesday that he would be retiring from the show, The A.V. Club reports. In a statement to Entertainment Weekly, Comedy Central president Michele Ganeless said that Stewart will stay with The Daily Show "until later this year":

"You love to travel. We love taking you there," says Delta Airlines' Facebook page, "Our Facebook page reflects that passion." For a little while on Monday, it also reflected a passion for yams that look like giant, gross, wormy dicks.

The civilian mission to Mars, which will likely never happen in a million bajillion years, has received its fair share of mixed press. Most recently, The Guardian interviewed three potential candidates for the mission in a self-serious documentary gut-wrenchingly titled "If I die on Mars," in which an unnamed interviewer asks the most devastating question of all: You guys gonna be mad that you can't fuck anymore?

Newsfeed "Serial Stowaway" Hero Sneaks Her Way Into Sweet Island Resort | Defamer Iggy Azalea, Please Log Off Twitter Forever | Justice Report: Southern Lynchings Were Worse Than Previously Described

Peter Liang, the rookie NYPD officer who fatally shot an unarmed man in the stairwell of a Brooklyn housing project last year, has been indicted for the killing, according to sources who spoke with the New York Daily News and Pix11.

Free flight enthusiast and "serial stowaway" Marilyn Hartman has reached a new peak of sneakiness: She was arrested by police Monday on Amelia Island, Fla. after talking her way into a villa at the Omni Amelia Island Plantation Resort. She was busted after the room's actual guests tried to check in.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former IMF chief currently employed as an old French pervert, is on trial for pimping and facilitating a global prostitution ring. His testimony so far has been incredible, in that he has said it all with a straight face.

"This is my jail," Tavon White boasted in a recording played by the prosecutors trying to bring down the smuggling ring he ran for years from within a Baltimore prison. He wasn't exaggerating by much. White, who just received a reduced sentence after testifying about the methods his Black Guerrilla Family used to sneak drugs and phones into Baltimore City Detention Center, is best known for impregnating four prison guards during his time there.

We periodically run letters from death row inmates. Our latest letter comes from an inmate who is now deceased. Arnold Prieto, Jr. wrote us this letter on January 14, one week before he was executed by the state of Texas.

The entire fate of Washington, DC's legalized marijuana program apparently rests on the statutory definition of one word: "enactment."

Did you know there's a Pie Town, New Mexico? There is—and they serve pie! But do they serve orange pie? No, they don't—but they do at the W Hotel in South Beach, Florida! There's the pie news for today I guess.