• Jon Stewart's smackdown of Jim Cramer last week generated some of the biggest ratings The Daily Show has ever seen, not surprisingly. [MediaPost]
• Portfolio editor Joanne Lipman has once again defied logic (and some of her Condé colleagues) by putting Sarah Palin on the cover of the new issue. [WWD]
• Condé Nast is expected to trim Richard Beckman's ad sales group. [AdAge]
• Liberal activists have launched a petition drive targeted at CNBC. [AP]
• ICM's Esther Newberg has sold a memoir by Paul Allen to Penguin. [Crains]
• More on Eric Siminoff's split from Lynn Nesbit and Mort Janklow. [NYO]
• Mel Karmazin sounds off on his fight to redeem Sirius and his rep. [Fortune]
• Ratings for Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice continue to slide. [AdAge]
• 60 Minutes is the "hottest show on TV." Who knew? [Newsweek]

AIG is facing angry unemployed mobs, which is exactly why they deserve gobs of bonus money, argues the NYT's Andrew Ross Sorkin in the least persuasive case possible for rewarding failed finance executives.

It's no surprise to hear that plastic surgeons are hurting in this economy: A survey by the American Society for Aesthetic Surgery shows that cosmetic surgeries are down 15 percent over the past year. But don't worry, it's not like society is suddenly becoming less shallow and image obsessed. It turns out that more young people are getting stuff done than ever before, and boob jobs and liposuction are the most popular procedures. And plenty of new stuff is on the horizon, too, like the new fat-busting machine that performs a very creepy-sounding procedure called "cryolipolysis."

A tipster sends us this photo of an actual advertisement in Sweden, which, she explains, is a result of the stubborn Swedes' tendency to believe their fancy schools actually teach them proper English. Psht:

[Amy Winehouse heads off to court to face an assault charge in London; image via Splash]

Are you aware that there is a secret "listserv" populated by Washington's most self-important journalists, where they conspire on how to control the world via their influential ramblings? This thing is big! And secret!

Transformers returns. Again. Movies will be produced, WGA employees will be let go, Allen Ginsberg and Confucius will be resurrected, as will a young John Lennon. And Catherine Hardwicke makes another kiddie movie.

Notice to all investors who lost their money in Donald Trump's failed condo project in Mexico: You may be broke right now, but you can take heart in the fact that Ivanka Trump is no better off. Or at least that's what she claims in an interview with CBS in which she says she's "in the same boat" with investors who saw their down payments vanish when the project went belly up. Lame excuse? A Freudian slip that suggests the Trump family is worse off than anyone imagined? You decide! [CBS News]

AIG has sparked quite the scandal in recent days for paying out $165 million in bonuses even after accepting more than $150 billion in assistance from the U.S. government. Execs at the insurance giant maintain the company is legally bound to follow through with the payments since the bonuses were incorporated into contracts it signed last year. But that's not the only legal agreement that has AIG wasting its cash: The company continues to pay for the privilege of stamping its logo on the jerseys worn by Manchester United players, too.

In the annals of vetting, this will go down as the most laughable miss ever: Vivek Kundra, the D.C. official tapped by Obama to run government technology, pleaded guilty to a theft charge in 1997.

Today we have a cheating actress, a new and terrible diva, three ladies doing drugs, a strange casting decision, a couple on the rocks, and a desperate-for-gay-attention model.

Fire-haired food pimp Mario Batali's Midtown restaurant Esca was robbed last week! The crime raises two important questions: Was it an inside job? And if so, just how dumb are Batali's employees? (Very).

When you see an article about the "moral costs" of counterfeiting luxury goods, you probably expect to read upsetting details about ten-year-olds in sweatshops working 18-hour days. But Harper's Bazaar has to keep its advertisers happy, which explains why the mag held an "anti-counterfeiting summit" this week, and explored the idea that Schenectady soccer moms might somehow be less likely to drop $50 on a replica Kate Spade purse if they thought it might disturb their own proud moral compass. The event featured a talk by Professor Dan Ariely of MIT and Duke, who presented a report called "Faking It: The Psychology of Dishonesty and Counterfeits," which explains how the mere act of wearing a fake makes you a bad person who will do bad things.

• Robert Hytner, who founded the defense contractor Information Manufacturing Corporation before selling the company in 2007, has paid $8.5 million for a three-bedroom apartment at 25 Central Park West. The seller was media exec Adam Klein. [Cityfile]
• Kenneth Martin, who retired as the CFO of the pharma maker Wyeth in 2007, and his wife Christine, paid $2.575 million for a 14th-floor apartment at 455 East 86th Street. [Cityfile]
• Andrew Bares and Alla Kormilitsyna have lowered the price of their five-floor townhouse at 311 West 74th Street, which they purchased from jazz legend George Wein for $4.7 million in 2007. Originally listed in November at $11.995 million, it's now on the market for $9.985 million. [Cityfile, TE]

Fashion designer Alexander McQueen turns 40 today. Rob Lowe is turning 45. Estée Lauder president John Demsey is 53. Kurt Russell is 58. The Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corgan is turning 42. Actor Gary Sinise is turning 54. The Corrs' Caroline Corr is 36. Former U.S. Rep Cynthia McKinney is 54. Retired soccer star Mia Hamm is 37. And Ice-T's very shy, very modest wife, Nicole "CoCo" Austin, is turning 30.

• Carson Daly has two reasons to get wasted today: It's St. Patrick's Day, of course. Plus he and his girlfriend Siri Pinter are new parents, too. [People]
• Jon Stewart's secret weapon in his rumble with Jim Cramer last week? His brother, Larry Leibowitz, is a senior exec at NYSE Euronext. [P6]
• A judge recalled Lindsay Lohan's arrest warrant yesterday after seeing the proof that she hadn't stopped attending a court-ordered alcohol education class after all. Also: She hasn't checked into rehab again despite reports to the contrary. Not yet, at least. [NYDN, OK!]
• Natasha Richardson was hospitalized yesterday and is now in critical condition after a skiing accident in Montreal. [People]

• The epic fallout from AIG's decision to pay out bonuses enters a second day: Andrew Cuomo says he plans to subpoena company execs, the Obama administration is scrambling to cool emotions, but clearly his influence is limited. Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa has suggested that AIG execs follow a "Japanese model" and choose between "apology or suicide." [NYT, ABC, WSJ]
• Given the new restrictions on Wall Street bonuses, banks are now looking for loopholes and planning to boost base salaries to offset lower bonuses. [WSJ]
• Goldman Sachs is bailing out its own employees: It's offering to lend money to more than 1,000 employees who've been squeezed by the crisis. [NYT]
• Mortgage fraud is at an all-time high, but you probably figured that. [CNN]
• Unsurprisingly, banks are raising interest rates and cutting credit lines. [BN]
• Housing starts surged in February from a record low the month before. [BN]

How to tenderize Bob Dylan's "bleak... sneering" new album, built around the song "Life is Hard?" With the title "Together Through Life" and a black-and-white, backseat gay kiss on the cover. (Click to enlarge.)

MSNBC host Rachel Maddow has been on a tour of late-night shows, where the Rhodes Scholar explains the massive flaws in our political and economic systems. Another common duty: Answering questions about Keith Olbermann.

These days, ruined neocon actors scrounge for roles while Nancy Pelosi sings hippie drug songs in respected theaters and the liberal media elites run off to Canada to fornicate in public.