Today we have an actress with a wacky diet, drunk and lonely people, secret baby daddies, an actress employing strange techniques to get free clothes, and a fried weed smoker.

"In the Papers," as you know unless you have the grave misfortune to live somewhere where you are unable to enjoy Pat Kiernan's calm visage and dulcet tones in the morning, is a segment where Pat leafs through the morning papers, pointing out the stories that are interesting to Pat Kiernan. Now Pat's going to "expand his personal brand" by taking the segment online, so readers across the nation can allow Pat Kiernan to "'cut through the clutter' and compile the most relevant articles for readers each day."

People get married more than once, and they also break up more than once. Country music and poop go together like Gary Coleman and movies about little people. Plus news of the Real Housewives.

Eliot Spitzer really wants to explain the whole financial crisis, and he is pretty sure he's obligated to advise us plebes on what to do, but everyone just wants him to talk about hookers.

Christy Turlington and husband Ed Burns riding the 1 train with their two kids ... Beyonce and Jay-Z going to lunch ... Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart walking with son Liam in the West Village ... Zac Efron arriving at JFK ... Ringo Starr leaving his hotel ... Jennifer Aniston on the set of The Baster ... Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony going to see the Lion King on Broadway ... Holly Madison getting in a car outside her hotel ... Nic Cage filming scenes for his new movie, The Sorcerer's Apprentice ... and Sheryl Crow playng with her son Wyatt outside Pastis.

Since you were wondering, here's an update on douchebag ad man and former CNBC host Donny Deutsch's love life: that other guy's wife is now Donny's girlfriend, okay.

To be an iconoclastic photographer, a person needs sensitivity, creativity and ideally a taste for the wild side of life. But not, apparently, a shred of financial acumen: Like Annie Leibovitz, who recently pawned the rights to her work past and future in order to pay her numerous mortgages, Nan Goldin is suffering from some cash problems, as in she's spent it all. "I don't know how I did that," she tells a reporter. "I made a lot of money but I spent it on all this stuff."

Paparazzi life is war! Two photographers who were trying to photograph Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's wedding ceremony in Costa Rica say the couple's bodyguards shattered their car window. With a bullet, from a gun!

Andrew Cuomo just filed a civil lawsuit against Ezra Merkin for fraud and deception, alleging that Merkin "betrayed hundreds of investors who entrusted him with their savings by recklessly feeding their funds into the largest Ponzi scheme in history." [WSJ, NYT]

• Want to rent Rick and Kathy Hilton's house in Water Mill for the summer? The 10,000-square-foot, six-bedroom home, which the Hiltons purchased for $2.385 million in 1999, is currently listed for $400,000 for season. [Newsday]
• Flavio Briatore, the Italian mogul and Heidi Klum's baby daddy, has put his apartment at the Plaza up for rent for $65,000 a month. It's not the only property he has on the market: He's been trying to unload a penthouse at One Beacon Court for $25 million since September. [NYT, Domus]
• George Hirsch, the founding publisher of New York who paid $2.7 million for an apartment at 111 Central Park North in 2007, has sold his former home at 246 East 32nd Street for $2.88 million. [Cityfile]
• The 10,000-square-foot mansion at 54 East 64th Street, which was once home to the offices of the Observer, has undergone a $9 million price cut. It's now listed for $27 million. [NYO, Sotheby's]

Zach Braff turns 34 today. Hilary Rhoda is turning 22. Paul Rudd is 40. Tim Hasselbeck, the former NFL quarterback and husband of Elisabeth, is turning 31. Marilu Henner is 57. Filmmaker Barry Levinson is turning 67. HBO exec Sheila Nevins is 70. Nobel Prize-winning geneticist James Watson turns 81. Makeup artist Tim Quinn is turning 49. Soft-core cable access queen Robin Byrd is turning 52. And Candace Cameron, who you may remember as DJ Tanner from Full House, is 33.

• Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's wedding party in Costa Rica on Saturday was rather eventful: Two paparazzi photographers claim that members of the couple's security team opened fire on them as they tried to score shots of the festivities. [NYDN, NYP]
• A former nanny who worked for Robert De Niro and Grace Hightower is suing the couple for failing to pay more than $40,000 in unpaid wages. [P6]
• More drama for Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: At the launch of Charlotte Ronson's I Heart Ronson line for JCPenney this weekend, Lohan had to be "restrained from coming in by five security guards." [OK!]
• The people of Malawi can breathe a sigh of relief: Madonna left the country on Sunday and returned to London. [People]

• Wall Street retreated this morning after a four-week rally amid concern about the banking sector and after IBM's attempt to buy Sun unraveled. [WSJ, CNN]
• The latest Washington official facing questions about potential conflicts of interest: Larry Summers, who collected $5.2 million in 2008 working one day a week for D.E. Shaw before joining the administration. [NYT]
• Tim Geithner says that the Obama administration is prepared to oust top financial executives if their firms require more public aid. [FT, DB]

While writing Next, his last published novel, author Michael Crichton simultaneously (and unexpectedly) wrote Pirate Latitudes, about "a pirate named Hunter and the governor of Jamaica, and their plan to raid a Spanish treasure galleon."

For years, internet publisher Matt Drudge has responded to questions about his reported homosexuality by obfuscating and dodging. It would appear he's still at it.

The family of Air Force Staff Sgt. Phillip Myers, 30, authorized news media coverage of the return of Myers' body from Afghanistan. The coverage was the first of its kind of 18 years.

A group of newspaper CEOs is planning a hush-hush meeting this week outside an industry convention. First, they'll have a barely-legal chat about all charging for online content. Then? Oh this is hilarious:

Redmond O'Neal was just busted for trying to sneak drugs into a prison. We can hardly think of a better way to cap off a year of O'Neal-related druggy hijinks.

After 20 years as Variety's editor in chief, Peter Bart was replaced with his deputy. Now the question is what the trade's cost-cutting corporate overlords will do to the paper.

It's widely acknowledged among Huffington Post alumni that founding editor Roy Sekoff ghost writes Arianna Huffington's columns. So it would be natural to expect Huffington to outsource her new Twitter stream, as well.