Today we have a prudish girlfriend of an actor, a celebrity couple that has to hide their coke problem from their kid, a rude actress at a movie theater, and a nasty breakup.

The good news is that gun homicides were down in New York City last year, according to the NYPD. The bad news is that knife deaths were up. So either the city's criminals no longer have firearms because they've been trading them in for $200 Chase gift cards, or our miscreants can no longer afford to buy post-industrial age weapons. Either way, it's kinda unsettling! [NYP]

Lindsay Lohan is scared of food, Brad Pitt is scared of his ex-bodyguard and New York models are frightened and jealous of Jesus Luz.

• Daily Show executive producer David Javerbaum and his wife Debra have gone into contract to sell their two-bedroom apartment at 144 West 18th Street. The Emmy-accessorized, third-floor spread, which went on the market for $1.9 million last July and has since undergone three price cuts, was most recently listed at $1.55 million. [Cityfile, Core]
• Media investor Michael Chambers, a son of Raymond Chambers, the co-founder of Wesray Capital and a former owner of the Nets, has paid $2.75 million for a two-bedroom loft at 140 Thompson Street. [Cityfile]
• After more than a year on the market, fashion designer Adrienne Vittadini has finally sold her 4,500-square-foot house in Water Mill. The five-bedroom home, which Vittadini listed for $7.6 million in 2007 and later dropped to $6.495 million in 2008, sold for $5 million. [Newsday]

Penelope Cruz turns 35 today. Jay Leno is turning 59. Jessica Alba is 28. Former Secretary of State Jim Baker turns 79. Famed chef Alice Waters is 65. Author Harper Lee is 83. Actress Bridget Moynahan turns 38. Ann-Marget is turning 68. Wooster Group director Elizabeth LeCompte is 65. Sonic Youth's Kim Gordon is turning 56. Famed defense attorney Ted Wells is turning 59. Golfer John Daly is 43. And the rapper Too Short turns 43 today.

Jay Leno's rep says it looks like dehydration sent the Tonight Show host to the hospital last week. But Leno prefers to process his trauma by mocking Conan O'Brien and Ben Silverman.

• Jesus Luz isn't making many friends with his fellow male models. At an event last week, the other models in the room were "gossiping like catty girls" about his "big, swollen head," and bitching that he's only booking work because of his relationship with Madonna. Really, you think? [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan flew to Maui with her sister and mom, where she's been spotted tanning and shopping at Gucci and Louis Vuitton. So everything is pretty much back to normal. [NYDN, Us]
• Samantha Ronson changed her Facebook relationship status to "Married," whatever that's worth. [Sun]
• Good news for the handful of remaining Sex and the City fans out there: Sarah Jessica Parker says Chris Noth has finally signed on to do the sequel. [E!]

Swine Flu Found In NYC Office [CBS News]

Fox News Channel likes to pound the drums for patriotism and the armed forces. Odd, then, that it keeps letting its military analyst rail against the Pentagon for curtailing money to his clients.

• Not such good news for Bank of America and Citigroup this morning: It looks like both have come up short on the so-called stress tests conducted by regulators and may be forced to raise billions in additional capital. [WSJ]
• Will Ken Lewis hang on as Bank of America's CEO when shareholders meet this week at the bank's annual meeting? It's a toss-up at the moment. [NYT]
• The Justice Department is investigating three AIG execs for committing securities fraud and a range of other financial crimes. [CBS News]
• The SEC is investigating 150 hedge funds, including various "Ponzi schemes and misappropriations," according to the agency's chief Mary Schapiro. [DB]
• Not such a hot idea: Mary Schapiro says she's now Twittering. [LAT]

When Ross Douthat was named Bill Kristol's replacement at the New York Times, both liberals and conservatives were happy. Now we understand why: The "squishy" right-winger fools everyone into thinking he agrees with them.

Tina Brown told NY1 tonight that the internet is a lot like theater; the audience gives instant feedback. But what to do about hecklers? Brown's two college-aged children knew: Heckle back, viciously and covertly.

A "former" CIA officer named John Kiriakou told ABC News that spies broke an al Qaeda terrorist in "30, 35 seconds," using waterboarding. The story spread everywhere. Of course it was a horrific lie.

You might remember Peter Arnell from his embarrassing rebrandings of Pepsi and Tropicana, or maybe for being an evil, foot-rub demanding boss. Now the branding wizard owes HarperCollins $100,000, for sucking, at books.

When Tina Brown looks at the closure of Portfolio, she must worry for her future. Publications are now expected to turn a profit? Time for the notorious spendthrift to panic.

• Salma Hayek wore a lovely gown by Balenciaga for her wedding to François-Henri Pinault, an entirely appropriate choice given Pinault's PPR happens to own Balenciaga. [Vogue UK, NYDN]
• Diane von Furstenberg says she's absolutely "mortified" that one of her jackets resembles an item designed by the Canadian label Mercy. A full investigation is underway, however. [WWD]
• "Washington, D.C., is the new New York," or so says Vogue's Billy Norwich. [Style.com]
• Sad, possibly true: "The client most crucial to luxury goods purveyors is no longer a Rockefeller but a Real Housewife of New York." [NYT]
• If your boyfriend/husband's birthday is coming up, be advised that Barneys is having a massive menswear sale next Monday. [Racked]

Blogger Joe Clark, still fuming over the mathematical mistreatment of Google designer Doug Bowman, explains that Google is populated by people with cases of "extreme male brain."

What did I learn from Twitter today? Diablo Cody thinks dicks are dicks, Ruth Reichl makes a mean Gene Simmons, and Michelle Obama has her own big-media stalkerblog. Excellent! More Twitterings from the media elite:

Louis Caldera has taken repsonsibility for the Air Force jetliner that buzzed the city today. This panic video shows why the White House official should go.

Two reasons to enjoy Nyle's video "Let the Beat Build": 1) It was shot all in one take with live music, and 2) refreshingly optimistic lyrics about creative ambition in the New Depression.