American Poultry Queen Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement address to the starry-eyed, chickenless graduates of Duke University yesterday. Her message to them: I really love my private jet!

Marc Dreier, the prostitute-loving attorney accused of bilking investors out of more than $400 million, will be giving up his luxury prison: The disgraced lawyer pleaded guilty this afternoon to conspiracy, securities fraud, money laundering and five counts of wire fraud. He faces up to 20 years on each count of securities fraud, and prosecutors have indicated they plan to ask for a life sentence. Either way, his habit of wrapping his arms around much larger black men should continue to many years to come. [WSJ]

EW.com has some cryptic information about many TV season finales, the most intriguing detail being that seven, count 'em 7, deaths will occur. So who will die? More importantly, who should die?

The Real Housewives Ring The Opening Bell [NYSE via Daily Intel]
Shares Fall Along With Confidence [NYT]

The New York Times and Washington Post are in informal talks about the online news business. The obvious subtext: The newspapers want Google to pay for their headlines. They're going about it all wrong.

Charlie's Angels star Farrah Fawcett is upset with her lack of privacy as she undergoes cancer treatment, reports ProPublica. Now, for cheap laffs, let's juxtapose that with ProPublica's mission statement:

Chuck Todd has a list of the six people most likely to be appointed to the Supreme Court by Obama. One of them is a dude! And all of them are old!

It's hard to cheer someone up who recently lost his or her job on account of the economic downturn. Perhaps a few stories of rich, famous people who lost their jobs once upon time will help? Okay, perhaps not, but it is nice to see that Jerry Seinfeld's dismissal as a mail boy on the set of Benson in 1981 is being used to lift the spirits of a nation. [WSJ]

[Jennifer Aniston filming a movie or something in New York today; image via Splash]

In your modernist Monday media column: Print porn gets desperate, Metro leaves America, reporters now work in coffee shops, and your dumb college newspaper articles are all on your permanent record:

Dead man walking. Rather, Dead 80's Blonde Spinoff Girl walking. Tonight's Gossip Girl features a look back at the youth of Lily van der Woodsen, and sets up a new spinoff. Except, show's not happening.

Congrats to JPMorgan Chase chief Jamie Dimon: He's now in possession of what may very well be the tackiest home in New York. A Brooklyn judge has given JPMorgan the go-ahead to foreclose on the Old Westbury home of Victoria Gotti, the gaudy home that the Mob princess has been trying to sell for many months now. It turns out Gotti hasn't paid her mortgage since September 2006, and she's in debt to JPMorgan to the tune of $650,000. Now that the bank has prevailed in court, it will be able to displace Gotti and her boys and sell off the estate at auction. And what an estate it is! In addition to a five-bedroom house with giant white columns in front, the property comes with a pool with waterfall, tennis court, and gazebo with pond, and copious amounts of gold plating that we're sure will eventually make its way to Dimon's Park Avenue apartment. After the jump, the judge's order as well as a pic of the new pink-and-gold bathroom that is now firmly in Jamie's manicured, lotioned hands. Oh, and in case you're wondering if it's wise for Dimon to be going up against a family with such a notorious past, you can relax. He's done battle with worse.

Hey look, a tumblr about bad hospital food! Now please stop sending this to us.

The Red Planet beckons electric-car entrepreneur Elon Musk. He's hoping to put a man on Mars by 2020. Space fanboys are placing their dreams of getting off this rock on a slender reed.

Twitter has now replaced press releases at the New York Times. The paper is just wrapping up a "strategy" presentation to the newsroom, which is helpfully being live-twitted. Let's listen in! [UPDATED below]:

Natalie Portman closed on the sale of her Charles Street condo a few months ago. And if you're prepared to believe what the Star is reporting this week, she's currently getting it on with a newly single Sean Penn. If in fact she is dating Penn, she won't have to travel quite as far to see her new beau: She's agreed to pay $3.25 million for a four-bedroom "mini-mansion" in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles. [Real Estalker]

It is an annual tradition dating back to a couple years ago: go to the White House Correspondents Dinner and then shit all over it the following Monday. But this year, everyone had fun!

The Way We Live Now: Schizophrenically. By Friday everybody was like "Stocks have recovered!" and this morning everyone panicked and sold everything, predictably. Monkeys are rampaging through this weak economy!

Up there in the sky, look at that cloud, is that a silver lining we see? Sure the 'conomy's in the shitter, but let's focus on the positive. New York might be livable again!

• Star Trek reeled in $76 million at the box office this weekend. [WSJ]
• Metro is selling off its collection of free (and money-losing) newspapers to Seabay Media, a company controlled by Metro's former CEO. [WaPo]
• Playboy says it's planning to make "radical changes" to the mag, and may raise prices as well as reduce the number of issues it prints every year. [Folio]
• Jon Stewart is creating a two-hour special for the History Channel. [B&C]
• Lit agent Larry Kirshbaum is shopping a memoir by Rafael Nadal. [Crain's]
• More speculation the Sulzbergers will be forced to give up the Times. [NYP]
• Speaking of the Times, a San Francisco organization paid columnist Tom Friedman $75,000 for a speech he's given before (and which is online). [SFC]
• Brit chef Jamie Oliver and Ryan Seacrest are working on a new reality show for ABC that will "give healthy makeovers to an entire city." Be afraid. [THR]