The Washington Post reminds us how newspapers used to be today with Part One of a scarcely believable true crime story about the murder of Robert Wone, a 32-year-old lawyer, and the three friends in "polyamorous" gay marriage who police think killed him in their million-dollar Washington, D.C. townhouse.

Barbara Ehrenreich is the lefty author who likes to write the kind of stories about the poors which most magazines consider too depressing or otherwise unmarketable. So it should come as no surprise that her journalism-school commencement address is really depressing. Food stamps are mentioned!

Hedge fund manager Bill Ackman lost his high-profile proxy contest with Target last week, a defeat that reportedly led him to shed a tear or two when he spoke at the company's annual shareholders meeting. It was Ackman's decision to invoke the words of John F. Kennedy, though, that really ticked off New York Times business columnist Joe Nocera, who penned a blistering critique of Ackman's performance on Friday. So how did Ackman respond? He stayed up all night and composed a 5,000-word essay to explain himself: "The tear was not for the loss of a proxy contest as Mr. Nocera implies, but rather in recognition of the significance of JFK's words nearly 50 years ago. It may also have represented some amount of physical and emotional fatigue." Duly noted. [NYT]

Why must Martha Stewart make a mockery of the US diabetes crisis? Our nemesis has written a new book about, you guessed it, cupcakes. Even worse, her henchpeople have emailed, to us, horrifying photographs of the bizarre comestibles Martha's treatise has inspired. This, America, is why you're fat:

The White House press loves to complain about the terrible treatment they all endure, stuck in the basement of the White House waiting for hours to be lied to. So it may do them some good to see what real repression is like. How about this upcoming Saudi Arabia trip?

Mayor Bloomberg raised a few eyebrows when he said earlier today that President Obama "does not get paid very much." City Room details just how much the president makes a year when you factor in some of the perks that come along with the job: "As president, Mr. Obama earns $400,000 a year. He has a $50,000 expense account, a $100,000 nontaxable travel account and a $19,000 entertainment budget. Mr. Obama's total compensation package: $569,000 a year. That is 11 times the median household income in the United States." Of course, it's also what Bloomberg probably collects in interest over the course of a couple of days so, you know, it's all relative. [NYT/City Room]

An Israeli TV star with the improbably hilarious name of Dudu Topaz has been arrested on suspicion that he organized a series of attacks on his enemies in the TV industry. Three vicious incidents have been blamed on "The Ratings King" and his nefarious team of security men.

It's not clear what Chase Carey is thinking: The DirecTV CEO is poised to become vice chairman at Rupert Murdoch's smaller News Corp., where he has virtually no shot at the top job.

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell has arrived in Utah, reports Fox News, in menacing tones.

Gay Bruno landed balls-down on straight, angry Eminem's face last night, thus firmly heralding the beginning of the Summer of Bruno. And it made me wonder: Based on that little antic, and the leaked details of the film, is Bruno gonna be good for the gays?

Beau Breedlove, scandalous gay lover of Portland's mayor, tried to get a restraining order against an Oregonian reporter who was covering him. That's been denied! The judge basically laughed him out of court. But he looked spectacular at his hearing! So, partial win for Beau Breedlove. [Romenesko]

Our secretary of state is biding her time, waiting for just the right moment to strike, according to Richard Wolffe's book on the Obama campaign. And then, when we least expect it, she'll finally win the 2008 Democratic primary campaign. It's true!

In your merry Monday media column: Hearst Magazines is not dying quite so quickly as others (news!), the New York Times wants more of your money, a thing happens at 'Morning Joe,' Sun-Times people invite Bill Rancic to suck it, and more:

Did you know that Jetta TDI is one of the most fuel-frugal Volkswagens ever? It holds a Guinness World Record for gas mileage - 58MPG!. Meet Volkswagen Jetta TDI. 2009 Green Car of the Year.®

"Twenty years ago when I made Roger & Me, I tried to warn people about what was ahead for General Motors. Had the power structure and the punditocracy listened, maybe much of this could have been avoided." Hah, really?

[The view from 42nd and 3rd yesterday evening, when the setting sun aligned with streets in Manhattan to create the yearly event known as "Manhattan Solstice" or "Manhattanhenge". Image via jonbell has no h's Flickr.]

New York City, which is broke, of course, is selling off naming rights for its city parks. For mere millions! Using sociogeographical insight and imaginary marketing expertise, we have compiled a list of exactly who should buy these rights for a half-dozen parks. Read it and argue:

• Conan O'Brien makes his debut this evening as Tonight Show host. [BN, EW]
• Bravo is ditching its tagline "Watch what happens" and replacing it with "By Bravo." We'll just have to watch and see what happens with that. [AdAge]
• More on the recent ratings meltdown at CNN. [Politico]
• The Times Magazine will be 9 percent smaller starting in two weeks. [E&P]
• DirectTV chief Chase Carey is in talks to join News Corp. as Rupert Murdoch's second-in command, taking over for Peter Chernin. [THR, BN]
• Disney's animated pic Up was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. [THR]
• New York's cover story on Condé Nast, in case you missed it. [NYM]

Well that, I guess, is it. The last we'll see of old Lauren "LC" Conrad on The Hills, the reality dynasty that she helped build with her own two well-groomed hands. How did it all go down? Well, like any good comedy, it ended with a wedding.

While at first blush it may seem inappropriate to compare Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor to Jennifer Lopez simply because both are Latina women from modest backgrounds, you've got hear conservative commentator Debbie Schlussel out: she's got a compelling argument for calling Sotomayor "J-Lo":