A Daily Show host weirded himself out a little bit; a San Franciscan had pizza envy and Doree Shafrir discovered a yoga mat that automatically raises your blood pressure. The Twitterati were flabbergasted.

Perez Hilton now regrets calling Will.I.Am a "fag," even though he got deeply offended this morning at the suggestion he shouldn't have done that. The gossip blogger basically has no idea what he's saying at this point.

Well here's 2011's must-have beach read—Dick Cheney has signed a deal to write a memoir for Simon & Schuster's Threshold Editions, the company's conservative imprint which recently published books by Lynne Cheney, Glenn Beck and Mark Levin.

News broke earlier today that Nikki Finke had sold her Deadline Hollywood Daily blog to Jay Penske's Mail.com Media Corp. Now, fantastical numbers are being floated around about how much she got. Who would do a thing like that?

• Stylist Pat Field may not take part in the Sex and the City sequel—it seems she can't bear the idea of Carrie Bradshaw going from "fashionista to recessionista." But she does have a bit of advice for Susan Boyle, which is nice. [Grazia]
• The return to scarcity: Saks and Neiman Marcus report they're ordering a lot less inventory than they did last year, not surprisingly. [Bloomberg]
• The Rachel Zoe Project returns to the air on August 25. [Fashionologie]

Columbia Pictures is close to securing a director for its Facebook movie: David Fincher, of Fight Club fame, is reportedly in advanced talks. He'll be expected to move fast, before the market for a movie about the social network evaporates.

Chris Anderson has been caught lifting huge chunks out of Wikipedia for his book Free. The irony speaks for itself. But it's worth noting that the Wired editor's excuses are disconcertingly clichéd.

[The DSquared2 fashion show begins during Milan Menswear Fashion Week. The collection is evidently designed for the gay pleasure robot camping enthusiast. Image via Getty]

Wisconsin is home of the media crazy. A TV anchorwoman in La Crosse traced those harassing emails she was getting—they're coming from inside her co-anchor's house!

Already in a down-trend this whole year, network television is suffering from drastically low ratings this summer. ABC, for example? They just posted their lowest. ratings. EVER—ever!—in the 18-49 demographic. Other nets aren't doing much better.

As the L.A. media otherwise disappers, Jay Penske is in empire-building mode. His hitherto low-profile Mail.com Media Corporation acquired Nikki Finke's showbiz blog and he backed Movieline in April. From what we've gleaned, the guy's a true Tinseltown dreamer.

NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly: "'Once in a while I use that machine the women use,' he says, referring to the Stairmaster." He listens to the Foo Fighters while he's on there. [WSJ]

• Is Amy Sacco's Bungalow 8 about to broke? That's what some former staffers claim, who say they haven't been paid in weeks now. [Gawker]
• Ward III, a new "saloon" by the team involved with Macao, The Odeon, and Grace—and decorated with Wakiya cast-offs—opens on Friday. [Thrillist]
• A roundup of spots that have closed in recent days. [Eater]
• The feud between Mr. Chow and Philippe is heating up, it seems. [GS]
• Raines Law Room has opened a "clandestine garden," not that anything can be very clandestine when it appears on Vogue's website. [Vogue]
• Michael Huynh has another East Village Baoguette planned. [EVGrieve]
• Wolfgang Puck's latest, quasi-food related venture: He plans to take control of the top-level domain .food and then sell off the Internet addresses to chefs and restaurateurs. Sounds, uh, interesting. [WSJ/Speakeasy]

Were you aware that Malia Obama turns 11 on July 4? A Florida-based company called Best in Beauty sure is. It just sent her "a gift basket of nontoxic, hypoallergenic beauty products that 'tweens with allergies, like her, can use," and which you, too, can buy for $354.20. A "sweet and marvelous" gesture, no? [Washington Whispers]

As previously rumored, Katie Holmes and her dashing space bride Tom Cruise might be moving to New York permanently. (As permanent as movie stars move, anyway). The Village Voice thinks they may have tracked down their new pad.

The New York Times Co. has been tangling with Boston newspaper unions ever since it threatened to shut down the Boston Globe if the unions didn't agree to wage and benefit concessions. Now its union troubles are hitting closer to home. Last fall, Times Co. decided to shut down City and Suburban Delivery Systems, a Times subsidiary that was responsible for distributing the Times as well as other papers like the Wall Street Journal and New York Post. Closing C&S eliminated 550 full-time jobs, many of whom were union employees; the paper said it planned to rely on independent distribution companies instead, since they're "generally nonunion and pay drivers less." The decision has since stirred up quite a bit of controversy, not surprisingly, both with employees who took a buyout offer the Times and those who didn't. And now it's ended up in court. If you've ever wanted to pore over a ream of newspaper union agreements, you'll get your chance by clicking through and reading the complete lawsuit below.

If only America had listened to Richard Nixon, the Republican Party wouldn't be in the trouble it's in. Because Barack Obama wouldn't have been born. He would have been aborted, because his mom was white and his dad was black.

Perez Hilton, I wish you would just shut your mouth, for the following reasons:

In 2005, Bruce Ratner agreed to pay $100 million to build his controversial Atlantic Yards on state-owned land. Under terms of a new deal that was revealed just this week (and goes to a vote tomorrow): Ratner will only have to pay the MTA $20 million upfront, and he'll get to spread out the other $80 million over the next 21 years. Critics of the deal are up in arms about the compromise, per usual, but there's some good news: Forest City Ratner, says it will cough up an extra $200,000 a year to stamp "Barclays Center" to the Atlantic Ave.-Pacific St. subway station. Small miracles! [NYDN]

Fake Steve Jobs is back. Dan Lyons, author of the piercingly funny satire blog, insists his return may be temporary. But he wouldn't be having this much fun with Jobs' illness if he still worried about the Apple CEO's death.