[Join Jim Behrle's Kreepie Kats as they inquire as to how much less diabolikal America is now compared to last year, why Moneyball matters (or doesn't), and why Nick Denton isn't working on July 4th. Questions! Answers! Kreepie Cats!]

Sarah Palin's resigning from office. What the hell? And she's now supposedly telling people that she's done with politics forever. The entire thing is sketchy. The announcement, reasoning, speculation, and more Friday news-dumping after the jump.

Governor of Russia's Neighboring American Atate and failed Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is going to resign from her office as Alaska's Supreme Asskicker And Number One Mom. She's not going to be running for a second term.

When a kid pisses on a tree in Manhattan, who hears it? The New York Times, of course! And they're out to take the little bastard to task.

Throw on some floaties for "Water Wings Day" on the Corona Summerbration calendar. Then you'll be prepared to enjoy cold Coronas, and any amount of water the city may throw at you.

Details for Michael Jackson's public memorial service on Tuesday are shaping up right now at a press conference. What's important: it's going to be broadcast live on TV and streamed, and tickets can be applied for online right now.

Chanel, the legendary fashion brand run by Mugatu-esque overlord/enemy to Heidi Klums everywhere, Karl Lagerfeld, is pissed. They let everyone know how much they cringe when you use their name to refer to anything but Chanel. Dare speaketh Chanel?!

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, and Gary Coleman are all having relationship issues. Megan Fox: macking on Zac Efron and smack-talking Michael Bay. Liza's mob problems, Twilight's freak fanbase, and celebrity cocaine usage! Presenting your pre-Holiday Friday Gossip Roundup:

This week, a bad man went to jail, and many other bad men did not go to jail, no matter how much we wanted them to.

We're off tomorrow for the long weekend. Have a very happy Fourth of July. In the meantime, feel free to drop us a line if you have any tips or comments. We'll see you back here next week.

Because it's our patriotic duty, we won't be publishing on Saturday. However, Foster will be around tomorrow and Sunday. Also, we're making some changes to comments next week: stars are about to become much more powerful, rare. More on Monday.

Here is the German Economy Minister, Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, reading a fairy tale about the exchange rate to some children at the behest of "the German Center for Fairy Tale Culture." Ok, Germany! Can you imagine if Geithner did this?

[That's light coming from within Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch early this morning, near Los Olivos, CA; image via Getty]

A roundup of people who will be celebrating their birthdays on Friday, Saturday and Sunday is below.

• After four decades on the corner of Sixth Avenue and 12th Street, beloved neighborhood diner Joe Jr.'s will be closing its doors on Sunday. [Eater, GS]
• Sam Mason's Tailor, which filed for bankruptcy protection in May, now reports it will close its dining room for the months of July and August. [Eater]
• More trouble for embattled restaurateur Ed "Jean-Luc" Kleefield: Madame Tong's in Southampton has been shuttered by the tax cops. [P6]
• Martha, Yoko, and Regis are some of the celebs who have written letters of support on behalf of Jennifer Oz LeRoy and Tavern on the Green. [NYDN]
• The Mott, still slated to open next week, sounds like total mess. [GS]
• Places that cater picnics, should you be looking for that sort of thing. [AMNY]

Another Friday afternoon (in spirit!), another "Obama admin continues Bush admin-era 'national security' policy" story. This one is a mysterious NSA program called, ominously, "Einstein 3."

After testing out the waters ever so briefly last November, Nicolas Cage has put his five-bedroom apartment at the Olympic Tower back on the market for $9.75 million, reports the Observer's Max Abelson. Shag carpets and a gleaming black marble bathroom: How could anyone resist, really? [NYO]

Future president Mitt Romney is both a "Bainiac"—a data-obsessed business android indoctrinated into Bain and Company's cultish worldview—and a Mormon. So his foreign policy is a weird, numerological, schematic mess. Here it is in PowerPoint, his native language.

US Marshals came to evict Ruth Madoff from her fancy apartment today but guess what, she has moved to an undisclosed location. She's gone Cheney! If she's following our advice she's already in Botswana, shoveling poop. [NYP. Pic: Getty]