Is it something in the air? Consider a few of the bizarro stories that have appeared in the press in the last 24 hours: A New Jersey man died yesterday after falling into a vat of chocolate. Three cops were injured when they tried to shoot a charging pit bull and the bullets ricocheted back at them. A $133 million lottery ticket went missing in Queens. A woman vanished inside an office building downtown. A juror in Manhattan federal court claimed a fellow juror threatened to cut off his finger. A beer truck crashed into a taxi which then crashed into four pedestrians. A bunch of turtles disrupted thousands of travelers at JFK. Last but certainly not least: The governor picked a lieutenant governor without warning and less than 24 hours later, he was sworn into office at a steakhouse in Brooklyn. We have no idea what to make of all of this. But maybe we should just be thankful that tomorrow is Friday.

So the copyright wars have come to this: Incensed over rampant online file sharing, some of the largest software and media companies show how copyright violations can get you brutalized in jail. Subtle.

Doug Hampton, the husband of John Ensign's mistress, says Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) urged Ensign to pay Hampton off to the tune of $1.2 million to make the whole mess go away. Now Coburn won't talk, claiming doctor-patient privilege.

Turns out they're all beset by alcoholic tremors. Oh, mercy!
[Copyranter]

Wass Stevens, New York's most prominent club doorman, was arrested yesterday after he (allegedly!) beat a college kid with the metal end of a velvet rope after he tried to get into Avenue, but became "belligerent" when Stevens denied him entry. It looks like Stevens' crime wave continues. A friend of Cityfile just sent us this photo of the nightlife fixture sitting on his motorcycle and chatting on his cell on the corner of Broadway and Astor. "I'm pretty sure it's a traffic violation to park on the sidewalk like that," she writes. "He's right in front of a police van, too." If you had doubts that Wass had balls of steel, well, consider the matter settled. Further evidence of his criminal tendencies below.

At long last, the New York Times may have figured out how to make money off its website: by charging for it.

This week was the Cleaning episode. It was also the Blowdown episode. And it was the Let's Watch the Roommate Who Won an Online Contest to Be Here Alienate Herself and Yell At Everyone episode. So many episodes in one!

Remember the election? The dancing of the numbers across John King's magic screen on CNN, as states rose and fell and changed colors before your eyes? Viewers liked that, apparently. Fox is just now figuring that out.

Ali Wise, Dolce & Gabbana's party planner and publicist and all-around-gal-about-town, was arrested Tuesday for hacking into the voicemail of interior designer and rival socialite Nina Freudenberger. Scandale! We have the criminal complaint.

The Onion is hurting badly. And CEO Steve Hannah has already gleaned a lesson from the downturn, explained in the memo after the jump: resisting advertisers is a "losing game."

The Real Housewives of New York City are back in the news (not that they ever left, really), since production on the next season of the show has been held up while four of the five ladies bicker with Bravo over how much they're going to get paid. The only one who's agreed to participate thus far? That would be Kelly Bensimon, the least-liked member of the cast, at least according to the poll on Bravo's website. We'll all have to hope the dispute is resolved shortly and Kelly gets to reunite with her castmates in the near future. But in the meantime—and because we know you want to keep Kelly by your side all summer long—we took a bit of audio from her totally insane interview with ObsessedTV and turned her into a 12-second ringtone. Just because your fave NYC housewives won't be on the air for the next few months doesn't mean you can't be reminded of Kelly's generous spirit every time your phone rings. (Oh, and yes: that is the Exorcist theme playing in the background. For some odd reason, we though it was fitting.) Click here to download the ringtone. Or click on Kelly's pic above. Enjoy!

That whole "Funemployment" thing was clearly a fake trend composed of nothing. Which makes it perfect television! CBS sent its last working journalist to track down these young, wealthy, aimless Funemployed layabouts. Here are their dumb stories.

In your commendable Thursday media column: Nick Kristof is the perfect columnist except for his writing, the NYT acknowledges its photo scandal, USA Today teaches us how to write a story that adds up to zero, and Lenny Dykstra's bankrupt.

Allen & Company is doing its annual thing in Sun Valley, Idaho, in which old moguls shamelessly ogle the most supple young internet startups. This year, everyone's drooling over Twitter. Last year's trophy companies? Not looking so sexy.

The Way We Live Now: Like whores. Common sea lion whores.

• More data about the Biggest Television Event Ever™: Some 31 million people tuned into the Jackson memorial on TV, and video sites report that they delivered more than 10 million live streams on Tuesday. [THR, VB]
• One TV person not pleased with all the Jackson coverage: Conan O'Brien, whose new Tonight Show has seen ratings drop as a result. [NYT]
• News Corp. has paid more than $1.6 million to settle court cases involving reporters in Britain who hacked into public figures' cell phones. [Guardian]
• Is Liberty Media going to bail out Harvey Weinstein? Let's hope so. [NYP]
• None of the major media companies appear keen on buying Twitter. [LAT]
• Comedy Central has ordered up a sitcom starring Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder, which will be produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay. [B&C]
• The title of Michael Moore's new movie: Capitalism: A Love Story. [NYDN]

Reporters from roughly 30 television networks, newspapers, magazines, and web sites celebrated the Fourth of July with Barack Obama at the White House last weekend. Why didn't you know that? Because they were sworn to secrecy.

Back in March, the New York Times Co. put its 1997 Dassault Falcon jet up for sale for $9.5 million. Several months passed without a buyer stepping forward, and now we hear the plane has been pulled off the market entirely. Did the company finally find someone to take it off its hands? Did Arthur Sulzberger Jr. decide to hang on to it? (Probably not.) Maybe the paper is planning to give it a good scrub-down before putting it up for sale again in the fall? We have no clue. But if you do, let us know! [Previously]

Celebrity Twittering seems to be at an all-time high, which means it's time to brace for the inevitable comedown, when the fickle famous give up microblogging forever. Oprah Winfrey, ever the trend setter, is leading the charge.