A Long Island woman claims she was drugged and locked in a hospital psych ward for 8 days because a doctor didn’t believe Barack Obama followed her on Twitter.

Salamanders: hell yeah, baby! You don't have to be the small guys on the playground anymore. When some stupid river fish swims over and calls you a pipsqueak, you can now invoke the holy memory of your forgotten ancestors—the recently discovered six-foot, toilet-seat-headed "super" salamanders. Who's the boss now?

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had a recurring dream. I was nursing a baby–in an icy parking lot, at a dinner party in the bedroom where the coats were piled on a bed, lost in the desert. I would nurse a baby at one breast, put her to the other, and there would be no milk. Sometimes the baby wailed with frustration and hunger, and sometimes the baby just looked at me with sad eyes. I always woke shaken. I must be worried, I thought, about being an adequate parent. But that wasn't it. My body was sending me a literal warning.

Though I enjoy a good slice of American Cheez Food Product as much as the next unsophisticated child, I would not be so bold as to declare that product to be "healthy." Prestigious nutritionists bound to differ!

A Germanwings flight crashed in the French Alps Tuesday, the French civil aviation authority has confirmed. The Dusseldorf-bound plane, an Airbus 320, was carrying 144 passengers, four crew members, and two pilots. French President François Hollande told reporters that "there might not be any survivors."

The Wall Street Journal reports that White House officials learned last year that Israel was spying on closed-door talks with Iran, which wouldn't have been a problem but for the fact that the Israelis shared what they'd learned with lawmakers.

Life is mostly suffering—no matter how well you treat others and yourself, and no matter how much gratitude you claim to feel—because, at bottom, people are full of shit. But, it turns out, their shit is full of gold! So that's all right.

Governor Gary Herbert of Utah just signed a bill into law that allows the state to use firing squads—which he referred to as "a little bit gruesome"—as an alternative method of executing inmates when lethal injection drugs are unavailable, The Associated Press reports.

An American physicist who helped develop the hydrogen bomb—many times more powerful than the atomic bomb that killed some 80,000 people in Hiroshima—has ignored an order from the Department of Energy to cut significant portions of his memoir, The New York Times reports.

Child-killer George Zimmerman has released a video—recorded, The Orlando Sentinel reports, by his divorce lawyer—in which he expresses the utmost lack of regret or remorse for the events that led to the death of unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin three years ago last month.

Robert Durst was denied bail at court in New Orleans today after a nearly three-hour hearing, ABC News reports. Today's hearing pertained to two weapons charges; a second bail hearing, on his arrest on the murder warrant issued by Los Angeles police, will follow.

Here's a story where everyone is bad and wrong: Lil Wayne showed up like 3 hours late to a show in Fort Lauderdale on Saturday night. Fans were understandably pissed that the headliner didn't go on until 3:30 a.m., but some of them handled it less punchably than this gentleman, who held up scrolling messages on his Apple Internet Phone in the direction of the stage.

Bunch of piece of shit bees tried to murder an old grandpa at a baseball game in southern Utah on Friday. Can you believe it? Of course you can. Bees have been pulling this shit forever.

At a press conference this afternoon, Charlottesville Police Chief Timothy Longo announced that his department has suspended—but not closed—an investigation into an alleged gang rape at the University of Virginia, infamously detailed in a Rolling Stone article published last year. Longo said that the investigation uncovered "no evidence" to support claims made by a UVA student identified as "Jackie" in the article.

A 34-year-old woman was found dead at a Dallas salon Feb. 19 after receiving what family members said was her fourth black-market butt injection, the Dallas News reported this week.

Ted Cruz officially announced his presidential candidacy today at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, and though you could scarcely imagine a safer spot for a Republican to deliver an obligatory and ultimately worthless speech, many of the students in attendance were very willing to see through Cruz's rhetoric.

Jose Lantigua, the former owner of a Jacksonville, Fla. furniture company who reportedly died in 2013 while on vacation in Venezuela, was arrested by police in North Carolina this weekend for allegedly swindling insurance companies out of an estimated $9 million.

Or an upside-down American flag teardrop. Either way, God bless the U.S.A. and her patriotic defenders!

This morning, Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president of the United States. This is the logical next step in Cruz's determined lifelong pursuit of status.

In a misguided ode to a girlfriend, Kirk Soccorso tattooed his beloved's name on the inside of his lower lip. Her name is Isis. They have since broken up. When he showed the tattoo to his co-workers at a Long Island Home Depot discussing the extremist militant group beheading people in Syria, he was reportedly fired.