Oooo, Fox & Friends has a lil' crush! On Lt./Capt. Mitch Buchannon himself, David Hasselhoff. See the Hoff was on The View recently and said Barack Obama was boring! A doozy! Now Doocy, Bri-Bri, and Random Girl just love him.

World's most powerful newspaper gossip column seeks promising scandalmonger among unwashed Twitter hoardes to replace second in command. Willingness to smear boss' enemies a must, as is an ability to hold your liquor and hang out in strip clubs.

Sarah Palin's hairdresser is talking to the liberal media again! Doesn't she remember what happened the last time? Jessica Steele is still explaining Palin's terrible hair emergency.

Kiefer Sutherland, can drink with an clear conscious tonight after assault charges that stemmed from headbutting a fashion designer have been dropped. And we were hoping to be spared another mediocre season of 24 while he was in the slammer.

Robin Katz, the 25-year-old Chase financial planner and Smith College grad accused of relieving one of her clients of $110,000, has redeeming qualities: The guy she ripped off is a poker-playing Wall Street broker. Also she drinks a lot.

A protest took place outside the offices of Goldman Sachs today! The crowd gathered in front of 85 Broad Street must have been outraged about the role Goldman played in the subprime mortgage crisis, right? Or how the bank managed to generate massive profits from the economic downturn while also convince Washington to bail out the banking industry? Or the way in which the bank has systematically used its ties to top officials in Washington to its advantage? Not so much! The signs, according to Dealbreaker, read "Stop the injustice at Stella D'Oro." It seems the people gathered outside think Goldman can prevent the cookie factory in the Bronx from closing down because it owns a piece of the company that owns Stella D'Oro. Oh, well. Guess you'll have to protest all the other stuff another day! [Dealbreaker]

Curiouser and curiouser! A teaser trailer for Tim Burton's Johnny Depp-as-Mad-Hatter Alice in Wonderland has been released at last. And it's... sigh... a bit disappointing. Just because it looks CGI'd and 3D'd to within an inch of its life.

Mark Bittman is "Rethinking Canned Beans." Hobolicious!

The greatest threat to the environment, according to extensive reporting by the Associated Press? The mayor, that's who:

Downtown artist Dash Snow died of a heroin overdose last week. The formation of his legacy is well underway. Was he an authentic artist with a tortured soul, or a selfish jerk who left his daughter fatherless?

[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com] July 22 @ 11am Playing whiffleball on the roof of his studio building with a bunch of kids.

It's no secret that Paula Abdul's position on the judging panel of American Idol is as tenuous as her grasp on reality. Where should she turn for inspiration? Try So You Think You Can Dance's resident loon, Mary Murphy.

Dancers, actors, sports stars, rock stars—all classic forms of hotness that will never go out of style. The folks at K-Swiss offer this video gallery of some of today's hottest hotnesses remastering the classics.

You should really look at the New York Times' slideshow (and read the article) about a highly-acclaimed Italian theatre troupe that operates out of a prison. Good-looking Europeans convicts in drag and loving it! All we got was Oz. [NYT]

The engagement gifts are rolling in for Observer publisher/real estate heir Jared Kushner and his newly-converted bride-to-be, Ivanka Trump. One of gifts the future Mrs. Kushner has received recently, per Urbanite: a "Swarovski crystal-studded mezuzah with leopard spots." If that's what you were thinking of getting her, too, please cross it off your list. [Urbanite]

Today we hear news about the biggest computer game movie in a while, about an old cartoon that will live again, about Jami Gertz and Johnny Depp, who both survived the 80s in completely different ways, and about Kendra.

Liz Cheney and Lou Dobbs have recently defended the "birthers," the dumb group of internet psychos who think it's impossible that a black man could've been democratically elected president. Where did they come from and what do they actually believe?

In your cackling Wednesday media column: Hoda Kotb describes her love of working with the mentally ill, Conde Nast's other McKinsey go-around, an intern is led astray by J-School demons, and Janice Min denies everything.

The gays have been using the internet to get laid since AOL launched chat rooms to Friendster, but with Craigslist and Manhunt ruining their formulas, what is a homo with a hard-on to do now? What's next for easily-available ass?

Google hasn't been shy about sharing its riches with select friends outside the company. And the number one rule of this tightly-knit group seems to be: spread the love. Which brings us to 23AndMe's new, very incestuous blimp.