The LA Times has a new website! So does Newsday! And you know both these papers are in some serious trouble, so these redesigns better work. What's their secret success formula? Not so much boring "news."

It's been a bruising few weeks for Goldman Sachs what with the tough questions about the role the firm played in the mortgage meltdown and subsequent bailout, and any special treatment it may have received from Washington officials like former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. But it looks like the firm's lawyers now have one more headache to deal with: the dude in Thailand who is selling unauthorized (and terribly chintzy) Goldman-branded "keychain watches" on Ebay for $9.95 a pop. "Makes a great gift for someone," reads the ad. It doesn't specify who this "someone" is. But if you're looking to give a friend at the firm a way to count down the minutes until his gigantic bonus shows up in his checking account, you probably should make a move before Goldman's lawyers do. [Ebay]

Yale University Press is publishing a book about the Danish Muhammad cartoon controversy of 2005. But Yale will not publish any images of the cartoons, or Muhammad, because Yale University Press is run by freedom-disregarding accommodationist pussies.

Actors have been going behind their wives back to get laid for centuries, but to secretly get her fired from his movie? Also, weird food issues (that don't involve throwing up!) and a fame-whore reality star. Go figure.

Gwyneth Paltrow getting into her SUV in the Hamptons ... Calvin Klein walking in the West Village ... Elle Macpherson walking in Tribeca ... Antonio Sabato Jr. leaving his hotel ... Michelle Trachtenberg standing outside her trailer on the set of Gossip Girl, and later posing for photographers with an umbrella ... Jon Hamm leaving ABC Studios ... Eric Bana walking out of the Trump International Hotel with wife Rebecca Gleeson ... Justin Long on the set of Going the Distance ... Rihanna partying at Greenhouse in SoHo... and Ashton Kutcher standing on the set of A Beautiful Life downtown.

There are about 20 books about Bernie Madoff scheduled to be published over the next few months. Let's hope only one gets into what Bernie was like in bed. Cheryl Weinstein, who says she lost her entire life savings to the fraudster, plans to detail an affair she supposedly had with Madoff in her upcoming book, Madoff's Other Secret: Love, Money, Bernie, and Me. And according to a spokesman for St. Martin's Press, in addition to details of the affair, "the hardcover book will include photographs and some intimate descriptions of Madoff." [Bloomberg]

• Alec Baldwin has put his longtime co-op in the Eldorado on Central Park West on the market for $8.9 million. He's reportedly thinking about trading it in for a four-bedroom apartment at the Dakota, which has been reduced from $24 million to $12.5 million over the past year. [NYP]
• Former GE CEO Jack Welch is in contract to buy a three-bedroom pad at One Beacon Court that's next door to the condo he already owns. The 2,669-square-foot space was most recently listed for $8.995 million. [NYP, BHS]
• New York Times columnist Paul Krugman and his wife, Robin Wells, have paid $1.7 million for former Times reporter Joseph B. Treaster's three-bedroom co-op at 110 Riverside Drive. Meanwhile, the couple is currently in contract to sell their former apartment, a one-bedroom at 304 West 89th Street that was most recently listed for $599,000. [NYO, Corcoran]

A Kate Hudson/Minka Kelly catfight is brewing, Matt Damon gets fat, Mary-Kate and Ashley double date, Kourtney Kardashian gets knocked up, Sienna Miller takes the "Slinky Wizard" home, Seth MacFarland says Stewie is gay and Jaime Pressly pees in public.

Janice Min, who recently stepped down as the editor of Us Weekly, is celebrating her 40th birthday today. Martha Nelson, the woman who oversees People, is turning 57. Weatherman Sam Champion is 48. Sebastian Stan of Gossip Girl is turning 26. Danny Bonaduce is 50. Author and screenwriter Tom Perrotta is turning 48. Agnes Gund, the former president of the Museum of Modern Art, is 71. Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is turning 76. And ex-Cuban president Fidel Castro turns 83 today.

• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and their boyfriends, Nate Lowman and Justin Bartha, had super evening out the other night. It involved steak, making out, tickling, and "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [P6]
• Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez aren't on the friendliest terms these days. Now things have turned frosty between their respective girlfriends, Minka Kelly and Kate Hudson. [P6]
• Heidi Pratt appears in the new issue of Playboy. But you won't find any nude pics of her in the magazine. She says she won't strip down completely until after she has a few "upgrades" performed by her plastic surgeon. [Us]
• Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. So who's the father? Either she's not saying because she plans to use the news to gin up ratings for her crappy reality show, or becaue she doesn't know herself. One or the other. [E!]

B.J. Novak of The Office and Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards was a guest on Conan's show last night, where he shared one of the better Quentin Tarantino stories you'll ever hear.

Just before midnight, a "note" was posted on Sarah Palin's Facebook page titled, "Concerning the 'Death Panels.'" Predictably, the media latched onto it and reported her thoughts. However, there's a problem: there's no way in hell Sarah Palin wrote it.

When it was announced that Heidi Montag was posing "tastefully" nude for Playboy, it was mildly shocking to imagine her controlling little boy-goblin letting her do such a thing. Now it makes sense — she's not nude in the photos.

Recently it came to light that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush aren't exactly chums. Now the full extent of the contempt Cheney developed for what he saw as Bush's lack of resolve is being exposed, and it's ugly.

It's no secret that NeNe of Real Housewives of Atlanta has a massive crush on Anderson Cooper, but you'd think by now she'd have heard the rumors. Or maybe she's just a hopeless romantic, because she's still lusting for him.

Remember "aerobics," that early 80s sartorial nightmare ushered in by Jane Fonda, Olivia Newton-John and Richard Simmons? Well, it's making a comeback in LA's Silver Lake neighborhood, where local hipsters are now sweating it out in spandex, leotards and leg-warmers.

So everyone in fashion is eagerly awaiting the release of the Anna Wintour/Vogue documentary, The September Issue, one of the most important pieces of cinema ever made, and naturally, the film's premiere will be a high-profile event. But who's invited?

Welcome back to the reality-show live blog that's both non-vegan and nothing-intolerant. Here, you can post meaty, cheesy or seedy comments to your heart's content.

The annual "Google Dance," which drew thousands of search conference attendees to Google's Mountain View headquarters each summer, has been canceled this year, a victim of cost cutting. The outcry only confirms our early judgement of the event: hopelessly lame.

• Cintra Wilson is not impressed with the NYC's very first JCPenney: "Why would this perennially square department store bother to reanimate itself in Manhattan—in the sleekest, scariest fashion city in America—during a hair-raising economic downturn, without taking the opportunity to vigorously rebrand itself?" Making matters worse, she says even the mannequins are obese: "It's like a headless wax museum devoted entirely to the cast of Roseanne." [NYT]
• Contrary to recent rumors, Kanye West is not interning at the Gap. [FWD]
• It looks like Escada is the latest fashion house to go bust. [Bloomberg]
• Anna Wintour will appear on Dave Letterman's show on August 24. (Set your DVR!) In other Anna-related news (and despite recent budget cuts at Condé Nast), the Vogue editrix will be making the trip to London Fashion Week.