It seems like the actual Letterman scandal broke so long ago, yet the straitlaced scoops about the straitlaced funnyman's straitlaced affair continue, forever. Today: A motive, in the form of a kiss; the perp's solid rep; and advertisers don't care.

Larry Gagosian's new "art store" (or museum gift shop on steroids) debuted last night. Looking to treat yourself to a Marc Newson marble credenza ($375,000); Richard Prince "Nurse Hat Chair" ($175,000); or Jeff Koons-designed puppy-shaped vase ($7,500)? Look no further! [WSJ]

This leading lady thinks plastic surgery is horrible, unless it's to make her partner look better. She's still better than an eco actress pitching a supermarket fit or an NBA star who turns a plane into a crop duster. Gross!

• Whoopi Goldberg is headed to Jersey. Two months after she put her Soho loft on the market for $3.99 million (which still happens to be up for sale, incidentally) comes word that the comedienne and View co-host has picked up a 9,486-square foot Colonial on 2.4 acres in West Orange, NJ. Originally listed for $2.999 million, Goldberg closed on the house for $2.8 million. [Real Estalker]
• Paolo Pellegrini, the Italian-born hedge funder who worked for John Paulson until recently and who generated a 80% return this year by betting the economy was going to tank, has a new pad. He's paying "close to" $10 million to buy an apartment at 88 Central Park West from writer Ray Errol Fox and his wife Jean Thomas, a backup singer for Ella Fitzgerald in the '60s. [NYP]
• Walter Cronkite's former apartment at the UN Plaza will soon be up for sale. Joanna Simon, the broker who landed the listing, says the two-bedroom co-op will hit the market "within the month" for $2.995 million. [NYO]

Actor (and Michael Bloomberg supporter) Matt Damon turns 39 today. Soon-Yi Previn, or Mrs. Woody Allen, is turning 39, too. Chevy Chase is 66. Rev. Jesse Jackson is turning 68. Sigourney Weaver turns 60. Former presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich is turning 63. Director Ed Zwick is 57. Children's author R.L. Stine is turning 66. Netflix founder Reed Hastings is 49. Comic book writer Harvey Pekar turns 70. Nick Cannon is 29. Jeremy Davies is 40. And actor Paul Hogan of Crocodile Dundee fame turns 70.

• The gloves are off in the divorce between ex-model Stephanie Seymour and mogul Peter Brant. He claims she blows through $257,000 a month (including $50K a month on clothing alone); has been stealing and/or smashing some of his "pricey art objects"; has a history of abusing drugs; and has been bringing her boyfriend to the house. Team Seymour has yet to respond with its side of the story, but you can be sure it's going to be equally salacious. [P6]
• In other news of warring exes, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook are back at it. Cook's lawyer says Brinkley violated the couple's divorce settlement and should go to jail because of it. Brinkley's team says it was Cook who is at fault and he should be put in jail. At least they agree on one thing! [NYP]
• Madonna supposedly has real estate brokers hunting for an apartment for Jesus Luz, since she's not ready to have him move in with her. Meanwhile, ex-husband Guy Ritchie has finally gotten around to responding to Madonna's comments that he's "emotionally retarded." In an interview with Esquire, Ritchie responded, "I still love her. But she's retarded, too." [Sun, Esquire]
• Did you know that Dina Lohan has a "celebrity" shoe line called Shoe-Han? She does! And it will be unveiled today at Trump Plaza. Exciting! [P6, People]

Need to scientifically explain Zac Efron's popularity? Blame birth control. Researchers found that women on the pill are more attracted to "wimpy" men, which explains the decline of the masculine leading man. Damn you, pill! Damn you! [Daily Mail]

Divorces are ugly business. That's what we can learn from today's gossip roundup, which includes Madonna and Guy Ritchie acting like children, Peter Brant taking on Stephanie Seymour's fashion habit and, on another note, the return of Tina Fey's Palin.

Remember that footage of Seth Green ranting and raving about how he was mugged? We originally doubted its validity, but this surveillance footage makes us believers.

The New York Times traced the first lady's family tree and found that her great-great-great-grandmother, Melvinia Shields, was a slave who was raped by a white man. This is news why?

It's incredible that today, in the 21st century, gay folk can cause such a stir. Take, for example, a case that unfolded this week in Egypt: a newspaper was banned after claiming that famous movie stars were gay. That's fair...

Michael Vick signed an eight episode deal with BET, which will air a biographical show about the the football player who enjoys making dogs fight. But it's not a reality show. It's an autobiographical attempt to revamp Vick's image. [MSNBC]

These here are two of Levi Johnston's most recent tweets. This guy has a distasteful advertising deal, has "written" for Vanity Fair and is far more famous that you or we will ever be. God bless America.

Some celestial beings sure are kicking the shit out of earth. First the Samoan rumbles, then the quakes in Indonesia and Italy. Now the South Pacific and Bali Ha'i have been hit. Whatever you're doing, silly humans, stop. [CNN]

Popular Mechanics just named TechCrunch publisher Mike Arrington's tablet computer one of its top ten products of 2009. Which is amazing — amazingly ridiculous — given no one outside TechCrunch has even held one.

Welcome back, commenters! Did you all spend your two-week break from Top Chef wisely? I spent much of mine pondering the value of the many cards which—befitting the Vegas theme—have been played so far this season.

It looks like someone's Christmas vacation just got a whole lot more exciting:

Micro-swine divided flack from newspaperman; inept cabbies kept two journalists from drinking together and there is something happening involving sex pigeons. The Twitterati made fuzzy friends.

Just as we predicted now that the neighbors have taken up the cause against downtown hotspot the Jane Hotel, it's going to die the death of a thousand licensing violations. Now they've closed the ballroom to meet compliance.

• The critics: In his last review as the Times' interim critic, Pete Wells upgrades Brooklyn's Saul to two stars; New York's Adam Platt is very disappointed by what he finds at the new iteration of Aureole; TONY's Jay Cheshes gives Joseph Leonard four stars out of five; Lauren Collins of The New Yorker describes her visit to SHO Shaun Hergatt as "painful"; Bloomberg's Ryan Sutton checks out the eats at Yankee Stadium; and Restaurant Girl pays a visit to Bia Garden.
• Want to shut down that noisy club in your neighborhood? All you need is a lawyer, publicist, blog and Twitter account. After a barrage of complaints from locals, The Jane Hotel's Ballroom is now closed until November. [Gothamist]
• The duo behind Sant Ambroeus open Casa Lever in the old Lever House Restaurant space (located in Midtown's Lever House!) next week. [NYP, GS]