“As my thirtieth birthday looms, I find that all my thoughts are consumed with Things I Wish People Had Told Me In My Twenties.” Does anyone know where this ThoughtCatalog.com writer could turn for such esoteric advice?

Late last month, a Drexel Law School professor briefly became an internet sensation when she accidentally pasted the wrong link into a message to her class. Instead of a great article on writing briefs, they got an educational video: a PornHub clip titled “She loves her anal beads.”

All this talk about investors and cash buyers artificially bidding up housing prices? Ignore it. It’s just talk. Especially to you, since buying’s not an option, because all your money goes to investors and cash buyers as rent. Now, how’d you like to own this pile of bricks in Washington for, like, a million bucks?

A Georgia teacher driving to chaperone her high school’s prom died Saturday night after two students on their way to the same prom crashed into her car.

Last week, the federal courts chalked up another victory for the defense of American freedom—or, rather, for the American Freedom Defense Initiative. Judge John Koeltl of the Southern District of New York ruled that the MTA must display an advertisement known as “the ‘Killing Jews’ advertisement.”

Our depleted, dried-up culture craves teen juice for nourishment. We’ve assumed that because we are tired and aching, we can absorb teenage youth-spirit through social media osmosis, a hot stem cell injection for our whole existence. But what if teens suck just as much as we do?

“I’ve been on shoots where they’ve literally had rivers of chocolate running through the studio and flowing into a giant vat.” Hey, this interview on Hopes & Fears with a food stylist has some really satisfying tidbits on how good marketing makes us want to eat food that is probably enhanced with glue or colorants. Yum.

How do you think you’d react if you went “viral”? Would you capitalize on your fame? Would you resent your friends for uploading that video of you dancing to “Uptown Funk”? Would you accept your spot on Ellen? Two llamas—known worldwide for running wild in the streets of Arizona—have let fame change them.

Damn, Texas A&M University at Galveston management professor Irwin Horwitz—you’re a wild motherfucker.

Soon, Americans will able to purchase bags of “Doritos Roulette” in which one in every six chips is “melt-your-face hot.” Previously, regular consumption of Doritos had been considered risky enough.

Local officials in the Nepali capital of Kathmandu have upped the death count in the region to more than 3,600 following Saturday’s 7.9 magnitude earthquake that has left thousands in the region injured and without shelter.

Did you know there’s a magical place where a modern-day Justin Bieber can walk in a room and still drive all the teenage girls fucking insane!!!! It’s called prom and this weekend it replenished the dusty ego of a thirsty man.

The government apparently won a major turf war over New Orleans prosecutors, who just abandoned their case against America’s Sweetheart-alleged-serial-killer Robert Durst involving that gun, latex mask and five ounces of marijuana he was busted with last month.

Dozens of injured climbers are trapped on Mt. Everest after multiple avalanches triggered by the deadly Nepal earthquake slammed into the base camp this weekend, the New York Times reports.

Comedian Dave Chappelle had a less-than-spectacular night in Detroit last week, audience members are complaining.

Do you think Putin has any regrets about Russia annexing Crimea? If you answered “yes,” you’re wrong, because Putin says he has no regrets about Russia annexing Crimea.

The acting chief executive of the Clinton Foundation admitted on Sunday that the charity had made mistakes on its tax returns regarding its list of donors, Reuters reports. The admission comes after a Reuters review of the foundation’s taxes.

How good is Tidal, Jay-Z’s terrible Spotify alternative, doing? So good that the Jigga Man himself got on Twitter this morning to offer a series of cheerfully earnest #TidalFacts and defend the service against unnamed foes “spending millions on a smear campaign.”

A Brooklyn man led New Jersey State Police on a 25-mile chase up the Garden State Parkway before crashing his car and being arrested, the New York Daily News reports. Police said that the driver had, amongst other things, 80 pounds of “marijuana candy” in his car.

Sure, the White House Correspondents Dinner is “the single most revolting annual gathering of pseudojournalistic cocksuckery in the land,” but it’s also an opportunity for some fun slams on the news media, which could use the criticism, really.