Nikki Finke OWNS the Oprah Winfrey story. She broke the news that Winfrey would leave the show three weeks ago. And she got the transcript of Oprah's announcement up on her site bright and early this morning. By stealing it.

Steve Barnes (pictured), the Albany restaurant critic who was assaulted by a professional mixed martial arts fighter last year (probably) because of something he wrote, reports today: Albany restaurateurs are going to punch each other.

When we brought you this video of a news anchor fainting on-air, we didn't realize what a pandemic passing out on live television actually is!

It is a good thing the American Constitution calls for instant run-off presidential elections the minute the "winner" dips below 50% approval, or else we would be stuck with the most unpopular president in American history for years to come.

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[Taylor Momsen predictably wore black (but an unpredictably long skirt) at the The Cinema Society screening of The Twilight Saga: New Moon in New York last night. Image via Getty]

It didn't very long for people to notice that the photo of Demi Moore on the cover of the December issue of W had been photoshopped. Half of her hip was missing! The magazine didn't even try to deny that the photo had been retouched. (A W spokesperson said the mag "did not do anything unusual or out of the ordinary," but since fixing up a cover photo is standard stuff, that didn't mean very much.)

Swine flu has "peaked" and is now on the decline, reports the CDC, so you can probably stop buying Purell by the gallon now. [NYT]

Auditioning for the part of Ranger Jones, TJ Miller decided to use an audition tape that if it went right, he would get the role. If it went wrong, he would be hilariously tragically mauled by a bear.

Quick, get to a TV! General Hospital starts at 3pm and you don't want to miss a minute of Hollywood A-lister James Franco's historic role on the show. Here's a little bit of context so you won't be totally lost.

The Way We Live Now: Same as ever. Hard times have been around for years now! But nobody was paying attention. The Christians were fighting unions and the yuppies were building dream homes and everyone else? Peanut butter jelly time.

Despite the fact she had a baby, like, five minutes ago (and she still has some baby weight to lose, or so she says), Heidi Klum took to the catwalk at the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show last night, which returned to New York after a four-year absence. "I have to say, I wasn't sure until the last minute if I was going to do it or not. I kind of left it open. And then I thought, 'What the heck. Why not?'" [AP, E!, WSJ]

Once there was a channel of extreme awesomeness. That channel had game shows, and they were good. Games with slime, games with pies, games with mountains, games with vicious temple guards. Games that entertained a generation. That channel was 1990s Nickelodeon.

The new $11 billion operating budget is actually just an ominous warning that in a year—or maybe a few months—the Transit Authority will once again cite the need to hike fares in order to strong arm Albany in finding a newer, more regressive way of funding operating costs.

There's some kind of Yoda-like irony to this kid's skateboard face-off. See, failure leads to anger. Anger leads to frustration. Frustration leads to... pain. And more failure.

Because he's the embodiment of healthy living and good nutrition, Donald Trump is getting into the vitamin business. He isn't selling any vitamins though. It's a multi-level marketing scheme, which means Trump will be making money by getting other people to pay him for the right to sell Trump-branded (and gold-colored?) vitamins.

Italian novelist Umberto Eco, the go-to intellectual for journalists worldwide, has deconstructed the human obsession with all things listy. The bottom line for editors: Your listicles help readers brush off a terrifying universe of infinite chaos.

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to ask three designers to compete for a prize. The delusion their entries will look different. The vision to return January 14th, the delusion your audience will come back.

In your ferocious Friday media column: Newspaper wars in Germany are of another breed, another high school paper censored for dumb reasons, more on the BusinessWeek layoffs, and George Stephanopoulos' fluff chops questioned.

Aww, how nice. Mighty Ducks captain Scott Niedermayer gave that young, starry eyed girl his hockey stick! What the little girl didn't know is that certain angry adults would also like to be in possession of that stick. Fightfightfight!