So much for that report about Marc Jacobs getting married to fiancé Lorenzo Martone on St. Barts earlier this week. A rep for the designer says it was just an engagement party (albeit one that happened to involve the presence of a wedding cake). [Us, The Cut, previously]

A golden retriever named Angel lived up to his name when he fought off a cougar attacking an eleven-year-old boy. The dog was thought to be dead after the cougar finished with him, but he miracuously sprung "back to life."

We're starting to fall in love with Marc Jacobs' unabashed faggotry, including the shirtless wedding cake topper at his marriage ceremony in St. Bart's. That's why he and Lorenzo Martone have been on the beach so long, it's a honeymoon!

South Africa may have its problems, but President Jacob Zuma's wedding ceremony ain't one. Zuma married his third(!) current wife yesterday. He has 19(!) kids. He is president(!), as we mentioned. Bonus dancing Zuma pic below!

Aspiring fameball Rachel Marsden once loved Fox News mastermind Roger Ailes like an uncle — even after his henchmen booted Marsden from the building. No more: in a "novel" she's shopping, Ailes is the "blubbery" villain.

Some people feel very, very passionately about very, very weird things. A fan of Lindsay Lohan put together this little video of the top twenty reasons to follow Lindsay Lohan's twitter account. Did "public emotional breakdowns" make the cut?

Tom Gribble of 1310 AM The Ticket's BaD Radio Show interviews athletes as 1920's reporter Scoops Callahan. Some of the athletes were on the up-and-up and jumped right on the trolley. But most were just jerks.

We're hearing that In Touch editor Richard Spencer quit yesterday. The circumstances of his departure are unclear. Last November, we heard that Spencer had been offered the head editorial gig at OK! Magazine, and turned it down. Maybe he'll return their calls now? If you know more about this, email us.

Travis, contestant on Conveyor Belt of Love, announced his virginity from the beginning. Despite this, he was chosen by lovely Besty— until she replaces him with another douche dude. His fancy introduction, balloon animal skills, and awkward desperation below.

Renting a room at Manhattan Mini-Storage could easily run you $100 a month. A far cheaper solution: Buy a junky used car, fill it up with all the crap you own (and should really throw out), and then park the car on the street for free!

I've heard that the new Tucker Max show will be a musical. They've already written the big show-stopper number: I Feel Poopy. Here are the lyrics: I feel poopy Oh so poopy I feel shitty and crappy — the pits! Pants are droopy That the walls are spattered with my shit (La la la la la la la la!) I made jobby In the lobby On the ceiling, the walls and the floor! Maid is sobby Cuz she has to clean it up — she's poor! (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!) See that poopy guy in the lobby there (What lobby where?) Who can shit-spattered guy be? (Which one where who?) Such a poopy ass, such a poopy head, such a poopy leg, such a poopy knee! (Such a poopy knee, such a poopy knee, such a poopy knee) So much feces For my species This must be a new record I've hit Here's my thesis: It must be 'cause I'm so full of shit!

Michael Cera was on Letterman last night promoting Youth in Revolt, but what he probably didn't realize was that Dave was feeling nostalgic for days when he'd eat his guests alive.

Hedge fund manager David Tepper is a rare breed. Not only did he earn $2.5 billion in 2009 while many of his peers just struggled to keep their heads above water, he still lives in the same New Jersey home he and his wife have occupied since 1990, he's yet to buy a vacation home, and he still sends his kids to public school. [BN]

On his radio show yesterday, popular hysterical demagogue Glenn Beck insulted a "Birther." He noted, correctly, that while he is often accused of being a conspiracist, he has not endorsed the Obama-was-born-in-Kenya conspiracy. Then, in order to make sure people continued referring to him as a conspiracist, he alleged that calls from birthers were part of an organized White House effort to discredit the opposition. Just like every racist sign at a Tea Party is being held by a secret left-wing provocateur.

Now that Avatar—James Cameron's big blue weeping-Indian of an epic—has made a billion dollars (making it the fastest film to do so in history) and Cinema Is Changed Forever, what's next? Will it have a legacy beyond special-effects?

These catch-up-videos are released yearly, but this year is the year to actually watch. The best show on television ends its epic run this May and you'd all be fools to not catch up since they make it so easy!

Goodbye, mystique: A totem collector is auctioning off a magic skull/ stash box that once belonged to Yale's planet-controlling secret society Skull "n" Bones. Plus, "a black book with names and photographs of earlier members." Nick Denton, bid now! [AP]

CNN decided it was going to enlist Kathy Griffin, Lance Bass, and Anderson Cooper to give them a New Year's Eve as big and sparkly as the crystal monstrosity in Times Square. They got what they wanted, which they hated.

A harrowing tale of survival in Williamsburg—The Brooklyn Paper reports: "The victim returned to his home, which is between Roebling and Havemeyer streets, at 2 pm to find a man, who quickly ordered him to take off his pants and go into the bathroom." What then? "That's when the jerk made off with a laptop and cash, leaving the confused, pants-less renter without any leads."