John Mayer: "The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating." Heidi Montag: "If Cleopatra were alive now, I'm sure she'd have triple D's." Kelly Bensimon's Playboy shoot: "What sexy looks like at 41." Wednesday's gossip roundup is highly quotable.

Apparently the sticking point in negotiations over O'Brien leaving the network is securing decent severance deals for his staff. To which NBC counter that they wouldn't be unemployed in the first place if it wasn't for O'Brien.

China is to start monitoring text messages for inappropriate key words. The government has told cellphone providers to suspend users whose messages contain "illegal or unhealthy content" as part of what it calls a campaign against pornography. [NYT]

Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis—oil scion and brother of starfucker Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis—got in a red carpet screaming match with his granny. He also retained Gloria Allred over a family drug intervention. Will 2010 be the Year of Gummi?

Bill Gates attracted 208 Twitter followers per minute on his first day tweeting.

The hardcore animal byproducts trend reaches its tipping point with pig brains of "'soft, creamy consistency,' almost like a flan, and 'a musty, visceral flavor,'" served by a man in a pirate costume at a Brooklyn dinner party.

If it wasn't clear before, it is now: David Letterman hates Jay Leno. Letterman repeatedly destroyed Leno on his show tonight, implying he's a thief and all-around bad guy. And while O'Brien made fun of NBC, Leno took personal digs.

The tragic headline: "Player Fights with Fan, Ballboy Wets His Pants." A Brazilian tennis player was physically restrained during a fight with a female heckler, while American Donald Young's match waited 40 minutes while they blow-dried the court.

This week the Roundup covered the most indie film ever. "Spider-Man" is like the opposite of that, right? What if we told you that Marc Webb, director of Indie rom-com "(500) Days of Summer," will direct the new Spidey flick?

Has it really been a year since Obama was inaugurated? Not yet. In 22 minutes it will be, though. Tonight, Jon Stewart and Larry Wilmore took a look back at Obama's first year. Key lesson: We need new Obama jokes.

Some criminals just want to do hood rat stuff. This Pennsylvania criminal just wanted to do normal, everyday stuff. He broke into a house, cut his hair, showered. The homeowner returned "to discover him watching TV and cooking chicken." [AP]

Bill issued a coded greeting to Twitter; Anil Dash called you a weather wimp; and Leah Jones tweeted from the driver's seat. The Twitterati want you to embark on brave new adventures.

Most of you probably already know David Cross for his role as the world's first analrapist, Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development. In this stand-up bit he discusses McDonald's gung ho advertising tactics, making money and his non-existent drinking problem.

Republican Scott Brown just won Massachusetts' Senate Deathrace™. Brown ran a killer campaign and has promised to kill Democrats' health care bill. And it's lucky his daughters didn't die of embarrassment, given what he said in his victory speech tonight.

Those "Charles & YaVaughnie" billboards around New York belong to the co-president of software company Oracle, Charles Phillips. Did living in the shadow of Oracle's high-profile CEO Larry Ellison leave Phillips hungry for attention?

• How did the Tavern on the Green auction turn out last week? It could have gone better. The sale brought in a total of $3.5 million, which is considerably less than the $8 million the restaurant owes its creditors. [NYO, GS]
• Tom Colicchio's Craftsteak replacement, Colicchio & Sons, opened its doors last night. And here are a few other openings planned for this week and next.
• More on the plan to open a Shake Shack on E. 86th St. later this year. [NYT]
• Starbucks has raised its prices, just so you're aware. [NYP, BC]
• You may not want to read this if you're a fan of NYC tap water. [Gothamist]
• Waverly Inn diners "sat in awe" when Oprah stopped by on Sunday. [P6]

The Martha Stewart Show takes a turn for the worse in this very icky strip aerobics segment where Martha tries out a few moves and works the pole.

We already have a couple, like #tips where we solicit your ideas for posts, and #stalker, where we'd like your sightings of celebrities. And now we have #crosstalk, which is dedicated solely to you and your chattiness.

We already have a couple, like #stalker, where we'd like your sightings of celebrities. And now we have #crosstalk, which is dedicated solely to you and your chattiness.

We already have a couple, like #tips where we solicit your ideas for posts, and #stalker, where we'd like your sightings of celebrities. And now we have #crosstalk, which is dedicated solely to you and your chattiness.