Valentine's day approaches. Everyone wants to have sex. Quick: there's only five more days to work yourselves into a frothy state of arousal! Luckily, the Times helps us out with a sexxxy prix fixe menu. Main course? Love. Also, doughnuts.

Most people know Nick Swardson as Terry from Reno 911 and from his role in Grandma's Boy, but his standup is not to be missed. Here, he discusses the similarities between newborns and your friends after a night of drinking.

The father of Gmail gave his kid a pat on the back; a TV doctor defended his slang; and Ashton Kutcher's iPhone ruined his Mexican relations. The Twitterati just tried to get along.

At the end of last night's The Bachelor, contestant Ali Fedotowsky gave up a chance at eternal happiness with Jake to return to her job. The gig? Working at Facebook! Must be all that free food. [NYmag]

Well, folks, it's that time again. At 9:00 PM ET, be sure to tune your television to ABC and comment along with your fellow LOST fanatics as we live blog tonight's episode. In 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42...

Rumors that the New York Times will take down David Paterson have spiraled into a factless, "self-referential frenzy," says the New York Times in a factless, self-referential blog post that adds to the frenzy and clarifies pretty much nothing.

[Go ahead laugh at this man falling over in Sheep's Meadow in Central Park during a 1993 snow storm. It won't be so funny tomorrow when you try to trudge your way to work through the snow. Image via Getty]

Yeah, Valentine's Day sucks, but this year we're not hating on it. Instead, we're going to ask you to tell us all your terrible tales of lovesickness that revolve around February 14th. For the best (worst?) there is a prize!

Tonight we'll be glued to Lost, Real Sports, American Idol, and more! What are you watching tonight? Let us know in the comments.

In #tips: someone's missing George W. Bush, Dustin Lance Black, and Andrew Breitbart wants to scare you. Meanwhile at always-on open forum #crosstalk, princesslala wonders if "FAIL" should follow "douche" and "hipster" into the Gawker Retired Word Home. Discuss.

It wouldn't be the Dr. Oz show without at least one poop-related segment. Today we learned why we're all constipated. Dr. Oz invites a guest to stuff as much food as she can into a "virtual colon" (plastic tube).

[Photo via Flickr]

As fair New York battens down the hatches for the blizzardiest blizzard that ever blizzarded, let's honor a couple of comments so when Dennis Quaid finds our frozen corpses, he'll at least know we kept commenting until the bitter end.

HBO's newest attempt to regain relevance debuts on Sunday (but is on YouTube now!), and if it takes off it is going to ruin Manhattan just like Carrie Bradshaw did in the 2000s. Get ready for the Ben Sapstein invasion.

Governor Paterson went on TV to talk about the snow, but then he began talking about other things, and he finally said that the only way he's leaving office before his term is up is "in a box."

MTV drops its logo, 24 is being made into a movie, Jeff Probst will continue to host Survivor, and the lovable coupling of Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman.

Beer bones! Soda cancer! Money fear! Broken hearts! Happy marriage! Michelle O-fitness! It's time for your Gawker health watch, where we watch health—for YOU!

Ali was given two choices on last night's Bachelor. If she stays on the show, she gets fired from her job, if she leaves, she will never be with Jake (or his pecs). What a disgusting predicament.

Barack Obama held a press conference today. While the availability may have assuaged concerns about the press' unprecedented lack of access to Obama, it did nothing to allay concerns that he calls on that jerk Chuck Todd too much.

Being an Olympian is awfully glamorous, isn't it? The fame, the fans, the adoring high-spirited support of an entire nation. Plus all those endorsement deals. Just look how rich these fuckers are. Though, sigh, look how poor ski jumpers are.