On Saturday, speaking in Baltimore, Martin O’Malley officially announced his candidacy for president. “The presidency is not a crown to be passed back and forth,” he said, “between two royal families.” Very subtle.

On Friday, a Nevada landlord was found not guilty of first-degree murder in the killing of an unarmed trespasser on a property he owns in a working-class neighborhood east of Reno that prosecutors say he had abandoned nearly a decade ago.

On Thursday, police in Shelby Township, Michigan apprehended a loose pig, WXYZ Detroit reports. Here is a photo of that pig looking like a person. What a ham!

The criminal investigation unit of the IRS expects to add to the list of 14 FIFA officials and corporate co-conspirators already indicted in this week’s soccer corruption scandal or whatever the fuck, the New York Times reported Friday evening. But it’s still not clear whether the U.S. will go after the biggest fish, freshly reelected FIFA emperor-for-life Sepp Blatter.

Hulu has pulled all episodes of 19 Kids and Counting “for the time being,” according to CEO Mike Hopkins. He says the company is just following TLC’s lead in the wake of Josh Duggar’s recent admission that when he was a teenager, he molested some of his sisters. TLC pulled 19 Kids from its lineup last week.

Ross Ulbricht, the young “California geek” who became the internet’s most notorious drug lord and began a still-raging debate over online privacy and liberty, will spend the rest of his life in prison.

After feds announced indictments against ex-House speaker Dennis Hastert yesterday for illegally funneling $3.5 million to an unnamed person from his past as a high-school wrestling coach, an obvious question lingered: What was the cash for? For covering up male-on-male sexual abuse, naturellement.

You may have just seen this headline, or a related one: “Sepp Blatter Re-elected as FIFA Boss Despite Charges” What does it mean? Which of those words are nouns, which are verbs, and which refer to human beings? Allow me to guide you, non sports fan.

Hamdi Ulukaya, the creator of the execrable yogurt brand Chobani, has pledged to donate most of his billion-dollar fortune to charity, when all we really want is our $1.69 back for that nasty cup of Chobani.

On May 20, a Kentucky grade schooler was eating lunch with her friends in the cafeteria when a school employee took away her hot lunch and dumped it in the trash in front of her. The teacher gave her a cheese sandwich to eat instead. Although the student didn’t know it, her lunch account had had a negative balance.

There’s a lot more to ATI—the insane fundamentalist homeschool program used by the Duggars and thousands of others—than just bad science. In addition to revelations about cancer-causing semen, you’ll also be getting a whole section of fashion tips. Because if there’s anything god hates (more than lust and sex and logic and just you in general), it’s hairstyles that don’t complement the shape of your face.

This weekend’s major film release is Cameron Crowe’s Hawaiian wet dream Aloha, starring Bradley Cooper, Rachel McAdams and Bill Murray, plus Caucasian, Arizona-born Emma Stone as a part-native Hawaiian named Allison Ng. Aloha currently has a very bad 14% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is not a surprise considering the film’s financiers openly lamented how painful and shitty the movie is.

One half of the Florida couple convicted of repeatedly having sex on a Florida beach as a grandmother filmed them has been sentenced to time served. Elissa Alvarez, 20, will also have to register as a sex offender.

The senior boys of Biglerville (Pa.) High School are all getting ready to dress up in khakis and collared shirts for their graduation ceremony this month, per the school’s dress code. Meanwhile, the girls are getting ready to hide their unsightly “sausage rolls, as Mrs. Elliott calls them” also per the dress code, because everyone knows “you can’t put 10 pounds of mud in a five-pound sack.”

A racist flyer that made waves on social media today after a resident of an Irvine, Ca. apartment building found it hanging in an elevator is fraudulent, according to a spokesman for property company Equity Residential.

What is life like for Americans who receive food stamps, welfare, and other government benefits? It ain’t easy. Each week, we let some of them tell you in their own words. Today, we hear from six moms who are making it work.

James Holmes was mentally ill but legally sane when he shot 12 people to death during a screening of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Co., three years ago, according to a psychiatrist who spent 22 hours interviewing him.

Dick Fuld was the head of the investment bank Lehman Bros. in 2008 when the bank collapsed in the biggest bankruptcy in history, kicking off the worst part of the financial crisis. Who can say if Dick Fuld ever did anything “wrong?” Not Dick Fuld!

Though he shares a similar love of Christ and fear of transgender people as the reality TV family, presidential hopeful and major dick Rick Santorum is finally distancing himself from the Duggars. He told Good Morning America yesterday that he is “sickened” by Josh Duggar’s admission that he molested some of his sisters.