Also in bleak news today: Douglas Schantz—the energy executive who disappeared after drinking on Bourbon Street early Friday morning—has been found, dead, in a river.

TONIGHT: Melrose Place and 90210 are back, the top 8 girls compete on Idol, The Miss Turkey Trot Drumsticks pageant (whatever that is), and will Jon Stewart call out Jerry Seinfeld on his awful show tonight on The Daily Show?

A janitor at Ohio State University was told that he'd be getting laid off. This morning, he shot two of his supervisors, killing one. Then he killed himself. Since no students were hurt, this incident will be quickly forgotten. [LAT]

With her latest stab at relevancy—a new single and a VH1 show—Jessica Simpson is yet again being shoved down our collective gullet. It's time for this uninteresting, talentless person to take a hike. Forever!

Cornell (ever heard of it?) is using The Office's Andy for self-promotion, Fox announces their summer schedule, Letterman's extortionist pleads guilty, and what TV is new on DVD today.

Former Democratic congressman Eric Massa retired from the House because he has cancer and because he was maybe constantly groping male staffers. He will be on Glenn Beck for the full hour today. Michelle Malkin is not happy about that!

First Israel kneecaps Joe Biden by announcing a settlement expansion on the day Biden arrives to restart peace talks. Then Biden shows up 90 minutes late to dinner at Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's house. Did he bring wine? Probably not.

The Way We Live Now: Wackily. What is life but risk by another name? We're betting our pensions! We're quitting Wal-Mart and Burger King and wearing crazy bedazzled shoes! We're living in style, for we all shall die! Soon.

Click to viewThe funny thing about this clip (from the upcoming season premiere) of South Park's Eric Cartmen asking for, and receiving, 500 AK-47s, is that it is based on a real thing that Blackwater did in Afghanistan.

With 2010's awards season finally over, it was time for the tasteless, talentless* E! Fashion Police critique of the Oscars' sartorial winners and losers. Joan Rivers shined with her characteristically brusque humor and absolute refusal to kiss Hollywood's infinite ass.

We're sorry, but it's coming. Rumor is that the shaggy Office star has the role of Captain America pretty much in the bag. It'd be "a multi-film deal," which means Jim Halpert is about to get big. This is bad.

Congratulations to Lazarou for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame. Click through for the answer.

Today at Gawker.TV, we point out the mistakes in "Up in the Air," Anthony Bourdain's a hypocrite about food bloggers, Stephen Colbert draws attention to Obama's recent balls-of-courage, and Andy Richter finally speaks about NBC and the Late Night wars.

LOST can be pretty heavy on the drama sometimes. Cheer up, LOST! Maybe some select footage of Jack, Sawyer, and Kate running in slow-motion in their bathing suits to Baywatch's theme music can lighten things up a bit. LOSTwatch! Sexy.

Today is the 13th anniversary of the death of Christopher Wallace—aka The Notorious B.I.G.—possibly the most momentous hip hop artist of all time. Here he is before he "made it," rapping on a Brooklyn street corner at 17.

Religious crazies now trying to kill another Muhammad-drawing European cartoonist. Hey, stop that.

Zach Galifianakis has risen to fame since The Hangover but many have followed him for years. What happens when this "serious" comedian gets annoyed at a drunk girl during a show? He loses his cool in the funniest way possible.

PSAs are the epitome of uncomfortable information. The most cringeworthy of them all? The PSA that warns about child abuse and abduction. Throw in some C-grade celebrities, and you've got yourself a one way ticket to awkwardville.

A judge might send Andrew Young to jail for lying about his handling of the John Edwards sex tape. It seems the tape was distributed more widely than it should have been, like every sex tape ever.

Apologies in advance if you're eating: the proprietor of NYC brasserie Klee has been making cheese made from his wife's breast milk. Good Day NY has the stomach-churning interview.