A new report from the Associated Press suggests Russian hackers deliberately attempted to infiltrate Hillary Clinton’s private email server, realizing the worst fears that critics of the server have held for months. But the story presents no evidence that any human being, Russian or otherwise, ever deliberately and knowingly attempted to hack into Clinton’s account. She just got spam, like all of us do.

Given her lack of any real political experience, former candidate for senator of California and current republican candidate for president Carly Fiorina has been touting (what she claims to be) her revered and profitable tenure as former HP CEO as a sign of what she could do for the nation if given the chance. Which is why it’s too bad that, of the 302,000 current HP employees, not a single one has donated a reportable amount to Carly Fiorina’s campaign.

Next time you have your ass handed to you by a member of New York’s finest—be it a hotheaded rookie who plays by his own rules or a grizzled veteran who’s too old for this shit—you’ll have the comfort of knowing that the officer is under strict orders to carefully report every aspect of the smackdown. Will he actually do so accurately? That’s a good question.

Spruce Alpha, a hedge fund that recently collapsed after little more than a year in existence, attracted investors by noting that one of its managers “was a former researcher who had worked on simulations of laser defense missiles.” Wow. Laser defense missiles.

“Bear! Bear! You’re breaking it! You’re breaking my kayak! Why are you breaking my kayak?! Bear! STOP!”

There may come a time when you want to strike up a conversation with a stranger, for whatever reason: sex, companionship, money, boredom. Here is the rule: You get two questions.

More than 50 women have now accused Bill Cosby of drugging, raping, or sexually harassing them. People reported Wednesday night that three new accusers have spoken out, and their stories are very similar to those of the 40-plus other women who say they’ve been victimized by the formerly beloved comedian.

Five brothers of the University of Alabama chapter of the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity were arrested and jailed this week after an alleged hazing event left several pledges badly burned.

The federal trial for Carmen Lechin—a former beauty queen whose alleged assault on a flight attendant got her flight turned right around in 2013—has everything you need for a first-class drama: namely, an international flight, a drunken fight and a scorned almost-ex-husband.

The New York Times reported yesterday on the shocking case of 33-year-old Jennifer Berry, who was charged Tuesday with the murder of her newborn baby. Now police are reportedly reviewing the details of the unexpected death of Berry’s infant son in 2008.

On Wednesday, six months after a volunteer reserve deputy, Bob Bates, shot and killed an unarmed man, Eric Harris, a grand jury indicted Tulsa County Sheriff Stanley Glanz on misconduct charges. The New York Times reports that Glanz will step down as sheriff.

Pop quiz: should you feed the bears? You should not.

Here’s the scoop, via the Associate Press: dozens of grumpy Secret Service employees conspired to publicly embarrass the chairman of the House oversight committee in retaliation for his committee’s ongoing investigations into recent Secret Service fuck-ups.

According to a report from the New York Daily News, a 25-year-old nursing student from Seattle is suing the NYPD after alleging earlier this year that two police officers—who had been assigned to investigate her rape case—got her drunk in a hotel room and sexually assaulted her.

Lint-crusted dried apricot Donald Trump spoke tonight in New Hampshire, offering details of his tax plan, a pledge to deploy Carl Icahn to do pretty much whatever the hell he wants over in China, and his assessment of the long-standing relationship of fellow candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush:

One person who contracted Legionnaires’ disease in an outbreak in the Bronx neighborhood of Morris Park (unrelated to this summer’s) has died, authorities said Wednesday. Health officials specify exactly when the death occurred, although the number of confirmed cases in the area grew from 10 on Tuesday to 13.

Maybe this is one of those glass-half-full/glass-half-empty things: the Associated Press is reporting that Russian hackers attempted to infiltrate Hillary Clinton’s private email account back in 2011. Maybe they were unsuccessful! My God.

A newly released email from Hillary Clinton’s tenure as Secretary of State provides an interesting peek at the loudly, recently LGBT candidate’s private thought process of gender descriptors: they’re not worth the Fox News blowback.

Is this what passes for genius these days? Oh man, gotta get from this short-ass perch to right there—right there—on that carpeted floor. Better rearrange the whole goddamn bed situation. Guy probably needs crampons and a hundred feet of rope to get back on the bed.

Sometimes curiosity kills the cat, but sometimes it just gets the cat’s head stuck in a steel pot.