It had been a little while since 60 Minutes had graced us with a show-ending Andy Rooney segment, but tonight, everyone's favorite senile curmudgeon was back—and complaining about something, naturally. Tonight's victim? The confusing, evil, soul-destroying e-book!

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) says that, yes, President Obama is running "a gangster government." And, yeah, he probably doesn't like America very much either.

OK, it's still a crime. But can we say the guy who stole almost $250,000 from an airplane's hold by crawling through the bathroom earned, maybe, $100,000 of it?

Frank Bruni has an interesting story in the newly-revamped New York Times Magazine about David Murdock, an 87-year-old billionaire obsessed with extending his life through diet. (He's convinced he'll live until 125.) Murdock eats impeccably, completely abstaining from red meat, dairy and booze and chugging smoothies made of "pulverized banana peels and the ground-up rinds of oranges." And he's still pretty spry, for an octogenarian.

This master of disguise ninja waits silently and stealthy in a nearby bush as a bush just waiting to pounce into dance.

Tirade-prone former Dior designer John Galliano's latest collection was shown today in Paris, and the overall mood was... sad. The NYT's On the Runway blog captures the scene:

So, there are a new slew of services that promise to make the Internet an even more fraught place for the privacy-minded. From the Times:

Do you know who Herman Cain is? It's okay, because no one else really does either. But he might be running for president! And he has some serious qualifications: Cain used to run the Godfather's Pizza chain. Mmm. And if that doesn't tempt your taste buds, the AP has some more info on this mysterious pizza man:

We've all imagined being inside our favorite driving game while behind the wheel. Here is what a Mario Kart track would look like if such a magical land really existed.

Catholic Bishops have ordered that a new translation of the bible replace the word "booty" (heh) with "spoils" of war. "We needed a new translation because English is a living language," said one of the members of the team in charge of the revisions. So now when God comes down from heaven and says to Abraham that his wife has a "banging booty," it will be "banging spoils of war". Wait... that was part of the Bible, right? [USA Today]

In this hilarious impression, an awkward and emotionless Jesse Eisenberg (FOD's Scott Gairdner) flatly announces that it won't take him 127 hours to get out. Granted the guy looks nothing like Jesse, but he's expertly-mastered the voice and nervous energy.

For about an hour last night, starting at 10pm, Charlie Sheen rambled live on UStream in a webshow called "Sheen's Korner." The most interesting thing about this embarrassing piece of crap was that, thanks to UStream's viewer display count, you could see people getting sick of Sheen in real time: At its peak, more than 100,000 people followed along as Sheen said whatever was on his mind and his buddies laughed at his unfunny jokes sycophantically. But as the broadcast ground on it shed thousands of users by the minute.

If this trailer is anything like the actual show, Khloe and Lamar will be filled with hugging, kissing, rubbing, and laying all over each other. So get ready for a full-on love-fest when the show premieres in April!

It's been close to a year since Arizona passed SB-1070 — the anti-immigration law that encourages racial profiling and can land a cop in jail if they don't do it — and several states were supposed ride the wave of hate and pass similar bills. But, as Muzaffar Chishti from the Migration Policy Institute told the Los Angeles Times, "Now I think reality has set in."

It's becoming increasingly apparent that Mummar Gadaffi and Charlie Sheen share the same strain of crazy. In this brilliant FOD mash up, watch the undeniably insane Libyan leader spout Sheenisms and still sound like ...himself.

70 year-old Dorothy Williamson, a former Queens resident, currently lives in an Upper West Side apartment for $99/week. According to the New York Post, she used some weird legal loophole which allowed her to become a permanent resident at the Imperial Court Hotel where she was staying as a "tourist." (To the chagrin of the hotel's management.) Sure, the room is populated with plastic furniture and resembles a tomb. But Upper West Side! 79th Street! You basically have to have $1 million in the bank just to walk on the sidewalk.

A bunch of people were stuck at the airport in Buenos Aires on Friday night due to cancelled flights, and they were apparently pretty pissed off. So another passenger, Cyndi Lauper, took charge and sang "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" to lighten up the mood a little. Looks like it worked!

• The Venice Beach jewelry store at the center of Lindsay Lohan's necklace theft case has sold the surveillance tape that purportedly shows Lilo stealing the $2,500 necklace. This will likely screw up the trial, but Entertainment Tonight's going to play the video on Monday anyway. They've already released a few teaser stills, where Lindsay is seen trying on stuff at the jewelry store. According to the video's official website (yes, it exists) "The tapes speak for themselves." Are theft tapes the new sex tapes? [Radar]

Alberto Granado — Argentinian revolutionary Che Guevara's friend who was made famous by The Motorcycle Diaries — has died in Cuba. He moved to Cuba in 1961, and taught biochemistry at Havana University after the revolution. He was 88. [Guardian; image via AP]

Everyone saw the famous group from NY perform at the Oscars but did anyone notice the awkward guy standing at the back? The oldest (and creepiest) member shares his experience of going to Hollywood and singing at the Oscars.