A 39-year-old woman in Hamilton, N.J., was engaged in what the police describe as "extracurricular activities" (mock trial, maybe?) at Ahavath Israel cemetery when a falling tombstone injured her leg. The injuries were not serious, and the cemetery decided not to press charges, but two things stand out to us: One, the woman and "a male friend" were visiting the grave of "a relative" when they decided to get down. And, well, we're not against graveyard sex, per se, but we think people should stick to graveyards where their relatives aren't buried, out of respect.

If you're a lawbreaking type who also likes cockfighting, pool parties, and grinding, you should consider moving your criminal enterprise to Venezuela. Down there, if you get convicted for dealing drugs or whatever other crime it is you're in the habit of committing, you could end up hanging out ("being incarcerated") at the San Antonio prison on Margarita Island in Porlamar. Supposedly it's a real blast.

Following the sentencing of Philip and Nancy Garrido for the kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of Jaycee Dugard, whom they had abducted at 11 and held captive for 18 years, Judge Douglas Phimister allowed the release of an abridged version Dugard's grand jury testimony, described the events of her kidnapping and the conditions in which she was held hostage.

Earlier this year, supporters of labor mural-hating, child labor-loving Maine governor Paul LePage honored him by having an "Open for Business" sign installed along a highway in Kittery, on the Pine Tree state's southern border. Almost overnight, all the world's corporations except Groupon moved to Maine. But just before Memorial Day, somebody stole the sign—ruining prosperity and the holiday weekend for everyone.

Since retiring from his CNN show in December, cuddly curmudgeon Larry King has written a book, embarked on a stand-up comedy tour, and even hawked breath mints, so it was no surprise that he found the time to show up on the panel of last night's Real Time with Bill Maher. And in true old-man style, King had one immediate, pressing question for Maher: Why is your studio so damn cold?!

Florida homeowners Maurenn Nyergers and her husband paid for their home in cash, and never took out a mortgage, so when Bank of America filed foreclosure papers on the house, they took the bank to court, and won. And when Bank of America wouldn't pay their legal fees — as it was ordered to by the court — their attorney, Todd Allen, decided to seize its assets, in person, with movers and sheriff's deputies in tow.

We've already warned you of the dangers of cooking your kid's food in the PCP pot, trying to sell your kid's virginity, and coaching your kid's fights. The latest tip for the Gawker's Guide to Parenting: don't do meth with your kid at family reunions.

It's obviously not uncommon for a barber to cut a customer's ear. With scissors. James Dillard, a 40-year-old barber from Trenton, NJ, allegedly cut his customer's ear in half on Thursday. With his teeth.

Lawrence Eagleburger, who served as Secretary of State under the first President Bush, died on Saturday at 80. Eagleburger was nominated following the resignation of James Baker in the summer of 1992 and held the post for five months. [AP]

The Kardashians throw a typically low-key engagement party. Paris Hilton throws a fit. A-Rod throws Cameron Diaz out. Saturday gossip is all about divas.

An 11-year-old girl from Pleasantville, N.J. died on Friday afternoon after falling about 100 feet from a Ferris wheel at Morey's Piers in Wildwood, N.J. Abiah Jones of Pleasantville, N.J. was riding by herself in a car when she fell from the wheel and landed on the ground below; she was pronounced dead at a nearby hospital. An eyewitness says Jones fainted after "peeking over the railing" and fell; so far, no mechanical malfunctions have been detected. Jones was in Wildwood for the "Education Extravaganza," an annual event that draws thousands of schoolkids to the piers. Apparently she is the first person to die at the amusement park since the Morey Organization took it over in 1969. [NYDN, NYT. Image by danellesheree via Creative Commons]

The FBI-affiliated "public-private partnership" Infragard Atlanta was hacked on Friday evening, exposing what's purported to be the non-profit company's user database and defacing the website ("LET IT FLOW YOU STUPID FBI BATTLESHIPS.") The perpetrators? Our old friends at Lulz Security.

Today we were once again amazed by ex-governor Sarah Palin's vast historical knowledge. She's truly an incredible historian. What other professions might she excel at? One commenter speculated.

Another weekend is here, bringing another batch of new movies. And why waste these couple days riding your tandem bicycle around and smelling flowers when you could be sitting in a dark room watching old gay men die and parents cry about a school shooting and magical mutant kids blowing up boats and stuff? This is what summer's all about!

Today chocolate manufacturer Cadbury released a statement apologizing for an ad that associated notorious supermodel Naomi Campbell with a chocolate bar. Campbell called the ad "racist" and said she planned to sue. Well, the apology is out of the way, but Campbell still isn't happy.

Classy American racist Donald Trump is enjoying his post-almost-presidency repose the way any exceedingly wealthy titan of industry would: By trying to peddle cheesy photos of himself and his family to tabloids for $20,000.

The long-awaited golf match between notorious links junkies John Boehner and Barack Obama has been scheduled for June 18th. Winner gets, well, a lovely afternoon out on the course! The loser goes to Guantanamo Bay.

Like it or not, a pretty lady is way richer than you. And you'll just have to deal with it. Also today: HBO is making the classiest thing ever made, two funny ladies are teaming up to get your motor running, and Anderson Cooper has a new website.

Sony's been hacked again, with over a million SonyPictures.com accounts lifted, containing vital personal information like home addresses. Is yours included? We've got an exclusive, easy database to check. [Gizmodo]

Today Oprah acolyte Dr. Oz showed his audience the results of his colonoscopy and it was freaking gross. Not only did Oz's doctor find a pre-cancerous polyp, he also found a colon was full of rice and lentils.