It's not that Real Housewife of D.C. and White House party crasher Michaele Salahi's dance single is awful, which it is, it's that it is so sad. Everything about it is so eye-gougingly sad that it's probably the saddest attempt at a second act in the history of television.

The Mitt Romney campaign released a web video this morning about young Ryan King, a recent college graduate from destitute Midland, Michigan, who drives around the local trash and destruction all day, just lookin' for a job. He has $3 and only eats bologna sandwiches. Why won't President Obama let him get a job? He is a failed leader.

Russell Simmons initially got famous by starting up Def Jam, a hip hop label that was, believe it or not, dynamic and countercultural. And cool! That was a long, long time ago. What is Russell up to today? Oh, just defending Fox News chief Roger Ailes (again):

A lawyer for Dominique Strauss-Kahn's accuser is looking in France for other women the ex-IMF chief may have assaulted or harassed. Journalist Tristiane Banon, who accused Strauss-Kahn of violently assaulting her in 2002, won't be among them. [Jezebel]

Reps. Ron Paul and Barney Frank introduced a bill yesterday that, for the first time, would end the federal ban on marijuana, leaving it to the states. CNN covered the news appropriately, by having a erudite debate between an old stoner actor and some asshole former g-man.

Thousands of furries descend on Pittsburgh this weekend, for the sixth annual Anthrocon, America's foremost convention for "anthropomorphics," commonly known as "furries." Participants are already wandering the streets of Steel City, wearing costumes and carrying puppets, posing for pictures with locals, going to raves, and singing "furraoke" while boozing at local bars.

Since it's summer vacation for Malia and Sasha Obama, the girls accompanied Michelle on her trip to Cape Town this week. And in an interview today, Michelle addressed the advice she'd give her girls when they fall in love. [Jezebel]

Some of us suckers have woken up each morning this week hoping to see the headline, "New York Senate Finally Does Something About This Friggin Gay Marriage Bill," only to see the same story about how state Republicans are still thinkin' about it. And guess what? Today is no different, except that senators are getting pissy.

Peter Falk, the actor who won four Emmys for playing endearingly exasperating detective Columbo on the hit TV series by the same name, died Thursday night at his Beverly Hills home. He was 83. In recent years he suffered from Alzheimer's disease, but a cause of death was not announced. Here's "one more thing" to remember him by.

On my flight Tuesday, the dude sitting next to me was staring at my laptop the entire time. Look, I know the middle seat sucks. And true, Gulliver's Travels is a great flick. But knock it off! [Gizmodo]

In your cloudy Friday media column: a journalist murdered in Brazil, the latest Matt Taibbi uproar, Timesmen are momentarily glamorous, Gay Talese's reading material is so Gay, Newsweek's big positive news, and an illustrated NYT paywall hack.

Parties, parties, parties, Real Housewives love a party. Who doesn't? Well, maybe your old shut-in uncle. He only likes the Food Network and cutting pictures of Selena Gomez out of magazines. But all of tomorrow's parties were on Real Housewives last night, then Nico came back from the grave to try to eat everyone's brains.

While discussing Amy Winehouse's recent disaster concert in Belgrade on her E! public access talk show, comedian Chelsea Handler, and her panelists, said some offensive things about Serbia and its people, and those people are now angry.

Web domain name giant GoDaddy is reportedly in talks to be bought out for more than $2 billion. Who knows what kind of exploits GoDaddy's ridiculous elephant-killing CEO, Bob Parsons, will get up to with that kind of dough. He'll probably fly to a remote island and hunt the world's most dangerous game: tech bloggers. Honestly, we're terrified.

Texas Governor and potential presidential candidate just wrapped up another legislative session dominated by anti-immigrant babble everywhere. But give him credit, as he went to address a Hispanic conference in person yesterday! If he does this again, though, he should probably tweak, or entirely replace, his icebreaker.

News arrives today that fancy gym Equinox is instructing all of its personal trainers to spend the next few weeks getting in extra-good shape, because the company is about to start making them wear fancy new "form-fitting tops" that will be unflattering to anyone with a stray millimeter of body fat. This is fantastic news, because it will cause the vain rich people who go to Equinox to select their personal trainers on the dumbest possible criteria.

Like something out of a Sam Raimi movie or a really dark version of Tom Sawyer, a Russian woman who was declared dead after collapsing with chest pains awoke at her own funeral and promptly died of a heart attack caused by the shock of waking up at her own funeral. Comically tragic or tragically comical? [Daily Mail]

The House of Representatives will actually hold two votes today on war funding. This is quite something: One vote to defund military action in Libya, another to authorize it for a year. Finally, many months after the Obama administration went into another MENA country with little-to-no strategy, we're having something akin to a congressional authorization process. This is healthy.

We've heard the rumor more than once—it usually comes up around the time for contract negotiations—but the evil specter of MTV recasting Jersey Shore is rearing its ugly head again. Would MTV ever actually go through with it?

Withdrawal from addiction can be one of the most grueling experiences for a human. Abrupt discontinuation/separation or a decrease in dosage of an object of addiction can lead to the following emotional and physical symptoms: