Your favorite blood bath will continue on into the new year. Also today: Bobby Cannavale goes to the hospital, Jane Kaczmarek gets a gig, and Roseanne Barr might be coming back.

When planning their Saved by the Bell-themed dance party this weekend, the Bell House in Brooklyn used an old promo shot of the '80s teen hit for their flyer. The problem is Screech wasn't happy, and asked to be removed.

Perhaps you've heard of former Luzerne County, Pennsylvania Judge Mark Ciavarella Jr., an objectively evil person who took bribes to send kids to private prisons. The good news is that he's now going to jail! Sadly, he'll only be there for 28 years.

A spokesperson tells the AP that Texas Gov. Rick Perry won't merely hint about a presidential run on Saturday, as previously reported, but he'll announce that he's running. So that means it's ~98% official, approximately, maybe.

Steve Jobs's uniform of jeans and a black turtleneck has heretofore seemed less like a sophisticated sartorial choice than a savvy exercise in personal branding, a symbol of ascetic devotion to technology, and perhaps, once, a bit of marketing for the Gap, where Jobs was a director. But if acclaimed couturier Ralph Rucci is to be believed, the Apple CEO might be so far ahead of the fashionistas that he's been severely underappreciated.

Time for the Bizarro Dow Jones Roller Coaster report of the day! To recap: Monday, the Dow fell 635 points. Tuesday, it rose by 430 points. Wednesday, it fell by 520 points. And today? Take a moment to guess.

It's a sad fact that you must join every single social network in existence or risk vanishing from the face of the earth. But this is leading to "digital fatigue" among social networkers. How to deal with this? We have the answer.

Remember the obnoxiously awful subway party train video we shared with you yesterday? We finally have a first person account of just how horrible they really were to the people on the train. But guess what? The guy on the train is kind of a jerk too!

Lucky editor and popular Tumblr-er John Jannuzzi is having a bad day. In the last 24 hours, The Daily Beast and SheFinds.com separately reported that he is the mystery eavesdropper behind @CondeElevator. Jannuzzi declined to comment on the record when we asked him about the rumors yesterday and today, but 30 minutes ago he said this on Twitter: "This is fucking ridiculous." [TDB, SF, image via @JohnJannuzzi]

Playboy Playmate Shanna McLaughlin—also known as "Miss July 2010" and the winner of PlayboyTV's Shoot Out reality show—was arrested at Orlando's airport today after TSA found a loaded .45 Colt revolver in a duffel bag that she intended to bring on airplane.

Fifteen year-old Larry King (no relation to the CNN interviewer) was shot twice in the back of the head by his classmate Brandon McInerney while sitting in school in Oxnard, California. Now that McInerney is on trial, the boy's legal team and the school administration are using the tried and true "he was asking for it" defense. This is totally disgusting.

In your sunny Thursday media column: News Corp stock bounces back, buyouts at the Baltimore Sun, the WaPo forswears a paywall, CNN wants to hire internet tipsters, and Jake Tapper has advice.

Here's a trailer Coriolanus, an adaptation of the Billy Shake-a-speare play that marks Ralph Fiennes' debut as a director. It looks good! Lots of yelling and fighting and whatnot.

We know that your child is not good enough to get into one of the finer preschools in the New York City metropolitan area. But perhaps you can get your dog into a nice kennel? Well... we'll see.

The Obama reelection campaign better send Mitt Romney a thank-you note today, for uttering such a clip-worthy attack ad statement — "Corporations are people too, my friend" — at the Iowa State fair today, in response to some libtard hecklers. Come on, Mittens! You, specifically, look quite bad saying such things!

Now that the horrible "unending nights of chaos" part of the British riots has started to subside, here comes the insane "unhinged overreacting" part. A judge just threw a six-month prison sentence at a 23-year-old with no previous record in prison.

Facebook users are freaking out over the fact that the numbers of all their cellphone contacts are showing up on Facebook. What's going on? Is Mark Zuckerberg planning the world's largest phon-a-thon?

Charla Nash, who had her face and hands ripped off by her neighbor's chimpanzee in 2009 revealed her new face on the Today show today. For a woman who was mauled by an animal, she looks pretty damn good.

After a 24-hour silence following yesterday's blitz of media attention, the mysterious @CondeElevator tweeted a monologue that sounds an awful lot like a farewell. Is this @CondeElevator's swan song?

Teen nightmare Rebecca Black went on two-bit variety show America's Got Talent last night and performed a little medley for us. She sang part of her new song, and part of "Friday," the song that made her famous.