Conventional wisdom holds if you want to be skinny, eat a bunch of celery. Here’s why: It’s not because chewing it requires more calories than a single stalk contains—a fact I learned in middle school but have not, in fact, ever verified.

Credit Suisse is reportedly planning to launch a social network for “people with assets of more than eight figures,” which it will use to offer them access to private auctions and other trifling baubles. If you are a “cool” rich person who is invited to join this, please do email us.

Donald Trump, who is currently leading Republican primary polls by saying things like, “I would bomb the shit out of ISIS,” revealed today more of his nuanced plans to combat the terrorist network. In a call to his fans at Fox & Friends, he said he would “take out the families” of ISIS members, too.

For months now, the AP has been valiantly searching for a stretch of Rio water that’s not contaminated by trash, sewage and flesh-eating bacteria and so far—nothing.

Be careful.

Here is a profile of the CEO of a credit card processing company, who told a lot of people something that may have been a lie. It includes the following photo caption: “Gravity staffers plank during meetings to encourage each other to speak quickly.”

“So I remember this day, and I stood on the New York side and I watched the plane fly into the tower. I remember the next day, and I remember the news reports, and I remember specifically the news reports about Jersey City. They said people were on the roofs watching the planes fly in. They were tipped off prior to the thing. And this was, this was the narrative that was going on. I remember video, I don’t remember if it was Pakistan or Paterson. But there was also a lot of talk,” Fox News’ Eric Bolling said, at a round table discussion, on Monday.

On Monday, in a statement provided to The Colorado Independent, Colorado state representative JoAnn Windholz blamed Planned Parenthood for the deadly shooting that left three dead and nine injured at its Colorado Springs clinic last week.

I hate to spoil the thrill of opening presents for all of you, but you are probably getting a gun for Christmas this year.

Last month, The Onion ran an article with the headline “GOP Warns Refugees Likely to Be Driven to Terrorism by Way America Treats Them.” Ha ha!, we said. What a funny and absurd idea—what a farce! Now, two weeks later, that Onion headline has been given the gift of life. And it would like you to call it “Ben Carson.”

Tony Lepore, the “Dancing Cop” of Providence, Rhode Island, was fired last week, after he organized a protest against a Dunkin Donuts worker who wrote “#blacklivesmatter” on a police officer’s cup. On Tuesday, the Associated Press reports, he was fired again—well, “disinvited”—from his new gig, in East Providence.

Department of Defense officials today admitted to holding a man prisoner at Guantanamo Bay for 13 years after mistaking him for someone else, reports The Guardian.

At long last, frothing Republicans are right: America does face an immigration crisis. Specifically, the rhetoric from frothing Republicans is the crisis. The talk has now devolved all the way to raving bloodthirsty craziness. Or, anyway, good lord it’s exhausting.

In a statement to investigators, Officer Timothy Loehmann claims that he and his partner shouted, “Show me your hands” at least three times at Tamir Rice before fatally shooting him, the Associated Press reports. “I knew it was a gun and I knew it was coming out,” Loehmann said.

On Tuesday, Defense Secretary Ash Carter told Congress that the United States military will deploy a new, permanent “expeditionary force” to Iraq, escalating the fight there against ISIS.

The Associated Press has a handy explainer on Puerto Rico’s $72 billion public debt crisis. Puerto Rico’s governor has issued an executive order diverting money from transportation, infrastructure, and other government agencies, to cover debt payments. It’s a bad scene down there.

When the criminal trial of the HIV-positive college wrestler Michael Johnson began, BuzzFeed reports reports, his lawyer immediately fumbled her words, advising the jury her client was “guilty until proven innocent.” It was an inauspicious start to a trial that seemed, in retrospect, to have been stacked against the defendant in every way possible.

In a savvy PR maneuver, today Mark Zuckerberg used the birth of his daughter Max to advertise to the world the fact that he’s decided to give away 99% of his Facebook shares (roughly $45 billion today) to charity (over the course of the rest of his life, not all at once). It sounds angelic, but it will probably end up being, mostly, a big waste.

Big Facebook news today: Fledgling memoirist Kristin Cavallari has shared some more of her favorite web articles with her followers. This time, the links come from a new, almost completely impenetrable viral content factory called wowphotoblast.me.

Earlier today, the reclusive online aggregator Matt Drudge reported that the upcoming thriller The Revenant contains a scene in which the actor Leonardo DiCaprio, playing the 19th-century American fur trapper Hugh Glass, is brutally raped by a forest-dwelling bear: