Willow the cat (pictured) was picked up on East 20th Street yesterday, and her microchip led Animal Control to her owners in Colorado — five years after she went missing. Willow's owners "still have her little Christmas stocking." [AP]

Today in Some Crazy Person Asked Pat Robertson for Advice, we learn that the firebrand cleric doesn't merely dislike Alzheimer's — "I hate Alzheimer's," he says — but he thinks it's totally cool for you to divorce your spouse over it. A man wrote to Pat seeking advice for his friend, whose wife has Alzheimer's and no longer recognizes him. Pat's response, from Tuesday's 700 Club:

Bad news for West Coast junkies (is there really any other kind of news for junkies?): Two cases of suspected botulism in Seattle have been blamed on tainted black tar heroin, in addition to four recently in Texas, according to the Los Angeles Times. It's especially bad because the only real way to find out your stash is tainted is to contract botulism!

A robot will run, swim and cycle through one of the most grueling tests of fitness endurance — Hawaii's Ironman Triathlon. What kind of images does that conjure up in your mind? Perhaps Robocop in a Speedo, clanking down a tropical highway while downing a quart of Pennzoil? Well, don't get too excited. The robot is Evolta, he stands about two apples high, and kind of looks like Sonic the Hedgehog riding a tiny Segway.

There have always been a few particularly bad apples amongst the never-ending parade of costumed ne'er-do-wells that loiter outside Hollywood's famed Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Past arrests have included that of a rampaging Chewbacca and a Spider-Man gone berserk. Now to those unseemly ranks we add yet another, for SpongeBob SquarePants was "questioned but not arrested" by LAPD officers on Tuesday after a "brief incident with two females."

Has Apple's war on Google soared to 30,000 feet? Marcy Simon, erstwhile mistress of Google chairman Eric Schmidt, has taken to Twitter to report her "abuse" at the hands of a United flight attendant.

A mysterious light — "brilliant" and "bright," according to those who had seen it — lit up the sky over the Southwest on Wednesday night. 911 call centers across three states were flooded with reports of sightings. (Really, people? This is something you call 911 for?)

After announcing it to Congress last week, President Obama unveiled the $450 billion American Jobs Act at the White House on Monday. The next morning, Fox & Friends ripped the President for fastening the 200-page bill with a "chintzy clip," a move Stephen Colbert described as "Clip-gate" on tonight's Report.

You might want to take an extra swig or two of brew for this next one — it's a doozy. Let's start with the basics: Jamyi J. Witch is a 52-year-old Wiccan minister, who, in 2001, was hired by Wisconsin's Oshkosh Correctional Institution to be their first ever Wiccan prison chaplain. It was indeed a controversial hiring, and perhaps a byproduct of the Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone mania that was sweeping the nation at the time. Got all that? Good. Now hop onto your broomsticks and flash-forward to Aug. 10, 2011.

On Tuesday morning, two gruesomely mutilated bodies were discovered in the Mexican border city of Nuevo Laredo, hanging from a pedestrian bridge. Next to the bodies were signs, one of which read "This will happen to all the internet snitches. Be warned, we've got our eye on you. Signed, Z "

In what some called a sort of a Jew d'Etat, Republican Bob Turner defeated Democrat David Weprin yesterday in a special election to fill the empty congressional seat in New York's Anthony Weiner-stained 9th district. Turner's win represented the end of an 88-year hold on the seat by Democrats in a district where they outnumber Republicans three-to-one. And while there are a few theories floating around as to what caused the tidal shift, Jon Stewart had a firm grip on one in particular on tonight's Daily Show.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation doesn't have a great relationship with the American Muslim community. Maybe because the agency is teaching its employees that even mainstream Muslims are violent terrorist sympathizers?

On tonight's AC360, Anderson Cooper punished himself for being too into himself by putting himself on his own Ridiculist and then claiming his vanity explosion was the result of his obsession with his brand new Madame Tussauds wax figure. Said Cooper: "This is about nothing more than my love for sweet, pasty imitation flesh—and yes, I look forward to that line being taken out of context." Oh Andy, it was my pleasure!

Gender categories on Australian passports have now been expanded to include "indeterminate," to be marked as "X," so long as a doctor's statement is provided. Looks like at least one country paid attention in Gender and Human Sexuality sophomore year!

It sure seems unlikely that David Petraeus, the married director of the C.I.A., would be seducing Taiwanese engineers on Skype in order to cash his, uh, paychecks from the NATO operation in Libya, doesn't it? But try telling that to Liu Shuzhen, who is pretty insistent that she and Petraeus are getting married, any day now.

In 2008, Kanye West loved Comedy Central's Crank Yankers so much that it inspired him to film the pilot for a hip-hop puppet variety show called Alligator Boots, but the episode never made it to air. After watching this recently discovered behind-the-scenes footage—which includes Stormtrooper Kanye acting on his Star Wars role playing fantasy with Kim Kardashian as Princess Leia and a puppet named Beary White—you'll wish it had. [via NYM]

You know when you get into an unfamiliar city for some stupid work thing and you're desperately trying to remember who you know who lives there? That apparently happened with 23-year-old Marine veteran Dakota Meyer, whose "stupid work thing" tomorrow is "being awarded the Medal of Honor." So he did what any self-respecting living Medal of Honor recipient would (there have only been two since Vietnam): He called the president.

Meet Larry Dominick, Town President of Cicero, Ill., former home of Al Capone. (That's Larry in the striped shirt above.) Larry—like several of his predecessors—is in some trouble with the law. The woman who used to run the town's animal shelter has accused him of sexual harassment.

A new feature from Facebook lets you authorize non friends to "subscribe" to your profile , creating your own personal army of groupies. It's sort of like putting your Facebook into "Twitter" mode, with all the excitement and terror such a combination implies.

Today we gave you some handy tips about how to politely make a BM at work, prompting some of you to talk about pooping. Just plain old pooping. Some comments were normal, some were funny, one was horrifying. Here it is.