The last time we saw Les Moonves, an actual good reason to hate and distrust the media, he was declining to tip a valet because he only had hundreds. And it looks like he’s still a bastard, championing Donald Trump’s prez run because of all the ad dollars it’ll generate.

The keeper of the IKEA monkey, who’s been living in a Canadian animal sanctuary for three years now, tells Vice the primate’s life has improved: “Monkeys shouldn’t be wearing nappies, monkeys shouldn’t be on a leash, and they shouldn’t be wearing coats.” Mmm... disagree.

The Middle Class, a popular figure in American folklore, died this week after a long battle with capitalism. Its passing has been expected since the recent death of its partner, The American Dream.

Donald Trump: why do people want him to be president? This is a question the media is still trying to figure out, and to that end CNN convened a focus group in Connecticut to hear directly from die hard Trump supporters themselves, and damn did one lady really deliver.

Male sailors aboard the USS Wyoming secretly recorded their female shipmates showering several times a day for almost a year—sometimes working in teams to prevent detection, says a new Navy Times report out this week.

A story about the supreme awkwardness of Ted Cruz in the New York Times Wednesday reveals the candidate’s propensity for the uncomfortable sex joke, such as the one he likes to tell about his horny Irish Catholic great-grandparents. But what type of joke is this?

William G. Porter, one of the six Baltimore police officers accused in the death of Freddie Gray, took the stand on Wednesday in his manslaughter trial. “You did not protect Freddie Gray’s life, did you?” Chief Deputy State’s Attorney Michael Schatzow said at one point. “Untrue,” Porter said.

“I’m doing good for the Muslims,” Donald Trump told Don Lemon in an interview on “CNN Tonight” tonight on CNN. “Many Muslim friends of mine are in agreement with me. They say, ‘Donald, you brought something up to the fore that is so brilliant and so fantastic.’”

A federal judge handed down a significant ruling in favor of the Uber drivers suing the ride-hailing start-up in California for misclassifying workers, expanding the class to a potential total of 160,000 employees.

“Happiness and related measures of well-being do not appear to have any direct effect on mortality.” Not that it matters anyway.

Tenants-rights activist and former mayoral, gubernatorial, and (briefly) presidential candidate Jimmy McMillan, best known for his affiliation with the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, which he founded, announced today his retirement from politics.

CJ Pearson is, I guess, some sort of viral star because he used to say shitty things about Ahmed Mohamed and President Obama, and until very recently identified as a conservative at the age of 13. As recently as October, he announced that he was supporting Ted Cruz’s campaign for president, not that anyone should care since he is 13 years old, which guarantees that he 1) cannot vote in the U.S., and 2) will inevitably say stupid things. In fact, there’s a good possibility that he’ll only say stupid things. Children are the future in the future; in the present, their brains aren’t fully formed. CJ Pearson does not have a single opinion that couldn’t be better stated by someone older than him. A teenager with the ability to talk like an adult political pundit is a sideshow novelty, like a horse that “knows” arithmetic.

John Boehner left Congress in October. Traditionally, the law states that the government will pay for ex-Speakers of the House to keep an office on Capitol Hill for five years with up to three aides. Today, two House Republicans announced they intend to end that practice. Hmmm.

If her Facebook postings are any indication, the two websites Kristin Cavallari visits most often are LittleThings.com and wowphotoblast.me. This week, she posted two more links from the latter. Blast off:

Self-declared “warrior for the babies” and self-admitted murderer of at least three people Robert Dear has claimed yet another victim: This formerly adorable Google image search.

The heirs of notorious gangster Meyer Lansky want to be compensated for the seizing of Lansky’s Havana casino by revolutionary forces in 1959. “Cuba owes my family money,” says the grandson of the racketeer who helped prop up the dictator whose corruption drove Cubans to revolution.

According to a CBS reporter on the scene, Robert Dear—the man accused of killing at least three people and wounding nine others during an attack on a Colorado Planned Parenthood—would very much like the public to know he considers himself guilty.

Uniquely accomplished Twitter egg Antonin Scalia had some opinions about black people this morning. Or rather, he gave voice to some opinions that some people might have. Specifically, the opinion that affirmative action is bad because African-American students just can’t keep up in good schools.

The jury in the case against Daniel Holtzclaw, a former Oklahoma City police officer on trial for sexually assaulting black women in his community, is now deliberating for the third day in a row. Meanwhile, Buzzfeed has published testimony from each of the 13 women who have accused Holtzclaw of sexual assault.

Multiple gun rights groups will be joining together this weekend for a mock mass shooting on the University of Texas campus, an event complete with cardboard guns, crisis actors, and fake blood. Now, what could this possibly accomplish?, a reasonable person might be wondering. But as one of the protestors told Statesman.com: “We love freedom, and we’re trying to make more freedom.”