The Powerball jackpot reached $900 million on Saturday, the largest pot in history. It’s your time—this is the one!

An unidentified man riding a bicycle attacked a group of Syrian refugee families gathered at the Muslim Association of Canada Center in Vancouver on Friday night.

The limelight, man. It’ll chew you up and spit you out. No one knows this better than Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, the notorious drug cartel king who was finally arrested this week after months on the lam.

Is it even news anymore that the supporters of a self-professed anti-Muslim candidate are also anti-Muslim themselves?

With Bill Clinton’s role in Hillary’s presidential campaign comes a resurgence in conservative media attention on all of his baggage, most notably his history of allegedly abusing and/or being inappropriate with women. Conservative commenters, like those who populate the space underneath Breitbart articles titled “EXCLUSIVE – Juanita Broaddrick: Hillary ‘Disgusting’ for Silencing Bill’s ‘Rape’”, have been especially concerned with Bill Clinton’s alleged victims lately.

Ted Cruz has been parading around Iowa this week, delivering meticulously rehearsed stump speeches and unfortunately unrehearsed “jokes.” It’s hard to tell exactly which category Cruz’s latest little metaphor falls in—mostly because it’s hard to imagine that anyone would ever tell him that talking about spanking Hillary Clinton is a good idea.

Kristin Cavallari, who got her very own book deal almost one year ago today, is apparently a voracious reader (of labels). In an interview with E! News last year, she revealed: “I eat incredibly healthy. I’m the kind of person that does not eat any toxic chemicals. So I’m always reading the labels.”

Chipotle, the chain Mexican restaurant that proudly boasts a menu of food “with integrity,” and in several instances, “with E. coli,” has a new affliction to fight off: A lawsuit alleging the company defrauded its investors with regard to its food safety, or lack thereof.

In recent days, nearly 130,000 Making a Murderer fans have signed a petition on the White House website asking President Obama to pardon Steve Avery, who was found guilty of the murder of Teresa Halbach in 2007. But Avery was convicted of a state crime, not a federal one, meaning Obama couldn’t even pardon him if he wanted to.

Scott Stockert, a man from North Dakota who is known to himself as “Jesus Christ,” was arrested after police received a tip that he’d traveled to Washington, D.C. with the express purpose of kidnapping First Dog Bo Obama. A fact that is deeply embarrassing for the Obamas’ other dog—you know the one.

The water in Flint, Mich. is poisoned. On Tuesday, many months after its residents rightly suspected its water might be tainted and sickening, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder declared a state of emergency. On Thursday, Flint Mayor Karen Weaver said the cash-poor city might need to come up with as much $1.5 billion to fix its water system, a sad coda to a crisis that stems from a broken down city looking to save money anywhere it could.

Now that Bill Cosby has been officially charged with sexual assault in connection with a 2004 incident in Pennsylvania, another forgotten rape accusation against a seemingly-untouchable American figure has resurfaced. With the help of a Twitter account, former nursing home executive Juanita Broaddrick caught the media’s attention this week by reiterating a claim she first publicly made almost 20 years ago: Bill Clinton raped her.

According to a tweet from Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, El Chapo (otherwise known as Joaquin Guzmán)has finally been arrested after escaping from his cell this past July through an underground tunnel.

Later today, White House officials will be meeting with tech industry experts to brainstorm ways to counter ISIS’s wildly successful online recruiting tactics. Tim Cook will also be there.

Jeb Bush, whose handlers should be fired for failing to heroically leap in front of the photographer before this stunningly Shining-like photo above was snapped on Tuesday, has shifted his campaign into movie villain mode. His new welfare plan calls for the total elimination of SNAP, the federal food stamps program.

According to newly released emails from the controversial personal email account Hillary Clinton used while Secretary of State, Clinton raised an eyebrow at a State Department employee’s use of a personal email account.

Just when it seemed impossible for Chicago police officers to come off any worse in the fatal shooting of 17-year-old Laquan McDonald, lawyers for the family now assert at least three witnesses were interrogated for hours, threatened and forced to lie about what they saw.

Yesterday evening, for at least the second time in his presidential campaign, Ted Cruz failed miserably when trying to deliver a lighthearted quip to a child.

After opening his mouth and expelling a noxious cloud of racist words about heroin dealers named “D Money” who are constantly knocking up Maine’s white women, Gov. Paul LePage today explained he only said those things because of his “slow” brain. Sure!