Is the 2012 London Olympics a flawed and corrupt but ultimately heartwarming celebration of athletic achievement and a sign of peace and cooperation among nations? Or is it a sinister occult ritual undertaken by the British Royal family and the Illuminati to summon ancient demons and secure their power over the mindless masses? The peaceful celebration, definitely. But that hasn't stopped the internet from doing what it does best: making weird YouTube videos and posting to conspiracy theory message boards. Behold, the best of the internet's Olympic conspiracy theories.

Film star Ellen Page, best known for her role as the eponymous character in Jason Reitman's Juno, has alerted the LAPD to a number of death threats she's received via Twitter.

Soon after NBC re-aired Usain Bolt dominating the 100 meter final, we received this email from a woman who would like to spill the details of her ongoing fling in London with one of the other sprinters who is presumably not Usain Bolt. But she would like to sell her story anyway, even though most publications would probably not purchase the story unless it was about her sleeping with Usain Bolt. She tells us:

The Galaxy water park in Erding, Germany, has barred women from using one of its "X-Treme" high-speed slides after several female guests required medical treatment for "intimate injuries."

Ahoy, ahoy. My name is Cord Jefferson, and today is my first day at Gawker. You may have seen some of my work on the site before (and maybe on Jezebel and Gizmodo, too), but today I'm coming on full-time as your West Coast Editor. I live in Los Angeles, and thus will be the first California staffer since Seth Abramovitch left in January. I'm also the first staffer (on record) to watch hardcore pornography in Fred Willard's favorite Hollywood peep show. You can read my full bio here and see a rundown of some of my other work here.

America's hottest after-hours discotheque is Club Applebee's.

Ragú took the Internet by storm last night after unveiling the first in a series of ads revolving around quintessential childhood moments — starting with walking in on your parents having sex.

After six months of an uneasy ceasefire, Sir Elton John last night fired shots at longtime scratching post Madonna during an interview on Australian television.

Human babies have long been observed to be inferior to their adult counterparts, in part because they are not old enough to compete (legally) in the Olympics, smart enough to solve Sudoku puzzles with no help, or tall enough to hand me that thing from the top shelf.

Comedian Jeff Ross, Roastmaster General of the New York Friars' Club, made a joke about the Aurora theater massacre during Saturday's roast of Roseanne Barr that Comedy Central deemed too soon — and cut from the televised version set to air next Sunday.

Release of the Great Gatsby film was pushed from Dec. 2012 to Summer 2013, so we'll all be dead by the time it comes out

Oreo continues its centennial celebrations with a new commemorative cookie mock-up congratulating NASA on successfully landing the Curiosity rover on Mars.

While protesting General Mills' "pro-gay agenda" outside the company's Golden Valley, Minnesota headquarters, a protester inadvertently sets fire to the lawn after torching a box of "homosexual" Cheerios and pouring the flaming cereal pieces into a bowl to make some kind of point.

Nick "The Youngest One, Who Has Diabetes" Jonas appears to be employing the Power of Positive Thinking to transform himself into an American Idol judge.

The controversial Kathryn Bigelow film depicting the special forces mission to capture or kill Osama bin Laden has received its first official teaser trailer, courtesy of Sony Pictures.

Here's the headline splash — as of publishing time, still up — on Fox Sports' Olympic Wrestling page. That's Hamid Soryan, who won a gold medal for Iran in Greco-Roman wrestling. Baghdad is the capital of Iraq. Next time they might want to consult a map.

Bees reportedly chased Hillary Clinton out of Malawi yesterday. The State Department described the bees as "normal."

Over at Fox Nation, the Fox News forum where "real Americans" gather "to speak out on important and controversial issues," users have overwhelmingly found yesterday's Sikh temple shooting story to be "inspiring."

Mostly to Native-Americans who don't appreciate being known as thoughtless de-gifters anymore. The Today Show has been battling a ratings slump for quite some time and hoped the Olympics coverage would give them the bump they need to overtake hard-charging Good Morning America.

If Demi Moore is the Queen of Flops, Colin Farrell is their king. Sucks because he's fantastic to watch.