Ah, the glamorous life of a professional writer. Polish up those J-school applications, kids.

Not one to let Fiona Apple's a bizarre, rambling statement concerning her recent arrest at a Texas border checkpoint for hash and marijuana possession go unretorted, the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Department Public Information Officer has released his own bizarre, rambling statement, calling Apple out for promising to make him and other department members "fucking famous any time you ask."

Facebook's newest partnership will not allay the fears of anyone worried the company is going to get increasingly nosy in order turn a profit. The social-networking behemoth has a new partnership with an organization called Datalogix, which tracks millions of Americans' spending habits with loyalty cards at more than 1,000 retailers.

Affluent Imagineer Mitt Romney has some exciting new proposals for the future of airplane design, according to some remarks he made to the L. A. Times at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills Saturday Night.

Austria-based, German-owned supermarket chain Billa, known for advertising itself as the "common sense" grocery shopping destination, has sparked an online uproar over its sale of plastic-sealed trays containing pre-peeled bananas.

When you count the four million people who have stopped looking for work in the past five years, America's unemployment rate today stands at well over 10%. Every week, we're bringing you true stories from the unemployed. This is what's happening out there.

Hey, hope you didn't write anything embarrassing in a private message before around 2009 on Facebook. These messages may now be published on your Timeline for all your Facebook friends to see. But are these actually old private messages, or old public wall posts you simply wish had been private?

Doctors at Auckland City Hospital wouldn't go into how an eel the size of "a decent sprig of asparagus" became lodged up the backside of an unnamed patient, but said it was successfully extracted, and the man was discharged.

Brooklyn-born thespian Tony Danza was invited to speak at yesterday's Brooklyn Book Festival about his new book, I'd Like to Apologize to Every Teacher I Ever Had, which chronicles his year as a 10th-grade English teacher at a Philadelphia high school, and couldn't pass up the opportunity to share a "Hanukkah Song"-esque rap he wrote listing all the famous people born in his "favorite borough." Like a boss.

Brand new Atlantic Media business publication Quartz has a post up today about the boom in Brazilian cocaine use. Apparently, in the midst of its march toward becoming one of the world's wealthiest nations, Brazil is now also one of the largest consumers of cocaine, snorting 18 percent of the global supply, according to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime. But while we're proud of the Brazilians, America, once again, is the real victor here, with citizens who inhale nearly 37 percent of all the cocaine in the world. One and a half percent of Americans do cocaine, and the average intake per user is 42 grams a year. USA! USA! USA!

Sometimes it can be fun to imagine a classic story from the villain's point of view. To gain new perspective, hear opposing arguments – maybe even shift your sympathies.

Looking to spice up your long-distance relationship? LovePalz and their revolutionary "teledildonic" devices aim to help remote couples get closer by connecting their genitals over the Internet.

Gawker is on a quest to determine the most racist city in America. Your contributions are vital to the cause. Please add your insights in the discussion system below. Or if you'd like to nominate another city please send an email here. Today...Philadelphia, Pa.

Earlier this month at Deadspin, I named the five most racist cities in America, but since I'm a privileged white asshole, my list was decidedly lacking. Residents of Philly, in particular, were quick to complain about their omission from the list. They desperately wanted it known that they are among the most racist shitholes and America, and I feel terrible for not obliging them.

Sofía Vergara's ass cheeks made a bold leap for freedom last night, bursting through the back of her dress just before their minder was due onstage to accept an Emmy.

Calling himself "the world's only and oldest cyber rapper," Kwayzar The Seer (born Stanley Jerry Hoffman) is an 83-year-old "cyber pied piper" from Southern California who specializes in "politically driven Cyber Rap" — a new music genre of his own creation.

Pakistani Railways Minister Ghulam Ahmad Bilour has offered $100,000 to anyone who kills the man who made the low-budget anti-Islam film Innocence of Muslims, calling on al-Qaeda and the Taliban to help in the "noble cause". 55-year-old Coptic Christian Californian Nakoula Basseley Nakoula is believed to be the man behind the film. This has caused a bit of a PR problem for Bilour's party which is secular and stridently anti-Taliban and al-Qaeda. Let's hope Bilour isn't a Girls fan. Who knows what hell he might unleash on Emmy voters after last night's snub.

Allow us, please, if you will, to direct your attention to this paper on the topic of Can You Believe How Much Motherfucking Money These CEOs Make, And, Even Worse, How They Try to Justify That Shit As If It's All Good. As noted in Gretchen Morgenson's column yesterday, CEOs and the cronies that justify their salaries are, in most cases, full of shit.

Australia's Qantas airline and its cargo handling company Australian Air Express are still unsure how a crocodile managed to escape its cage and wander around the cargo hold of a recent flight from Brisbane to Melbourne.

Does president Obama have a 19-year-old son? Most people would guess, correctly, that no, the most powerful and famous man on the planet does not have an adult son whom you've never seen, and any articles about it are clearly satire. Not Floridians, though. No — Floridians want to know if the Onion article they've been forwarded is real.