President Obama is coming home early from Hawaii to work on a "fiscal cliff" deal. If only Starbucks had acted sooner!

In a time older than dirt, before kids carried $500 worth of sext computers in their pockets, my mom always used to drop me off at the same place at the "snooty mall" when she did Christmas shopping. Big department stores would have a couch, grand piano and Christmas tree, and I'd sit with a book, waiting until she came back, listening to Christmas carols and the occasional wise-guy pianist playing something from Looney Tunes.

At Fox Nation, the Fox News owned-and-operated website maintained by conservative jingoists too radical for the Free Republic, the Westboro Baptist Church is now a "left-wing cult."

Today, in a letter posted on the company's website, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced that D.C.-area Starbucks employees will be writing "Come Together" on customers' cups, encouraging Republicans and Democrats to "come together" on a budget deal that would avoid the so-called "fiscal cliff." In the spirit of a free and open debate, we have a different proposal, which we're outlining here in an open letter.

Since there's virtually no actual crime in Washington, D.C., officers of the Washington Metropolitan Police Department have set their sights on NBC's resident silverfox/bad boy David Gregory.

"I'll use any excuse to teach new positions & give advice," tweeted the popular sexpert and Holocaust survivor Dr. Ruth Westheimer earlier this year. And so it was: when she wasn't tweeting about queefs, the rhythm method, the amount of sperm in precum or encouraging men to paint their pensies to coordinate with the holidays, Westheimer twisted current events into excuses to espouse her pro-sex agenda. She writes like a fortune cookie, but at 84 she's never been as wacky or unmissable. Come, let's recount some of the biggest news stories of 2012 with some punny sex advice shoehorned in.

I guess this is what happens when you take shortcuts to privacy.

New York's holiday traffic is officially so bad that people are giving birth in it.

Doxxing has officially gone mainstream: The controversial practice of posting an individual's personal contact information in the name of public interest has been employed by a local New York daily to out area gun permit holders — much to the offense of many in conservative circles.

In September, Dick Armey, the former Republican House Majority Leader, wanted to re-assert control of FreedomWorks, the influential Tea Party political action group of which he was chair. So he did what any old, paranoid Republican would do: he brought a guy with a handgun in to fire everyone.

Some might argue that this is the best "photo with Santa" ever — and thousands of Facebook likes do make a strong case — but for my money, iconoclast wins over cutesy any day.

While you were busy spending Christmas Day appreciating the fact that you were alive and well and had people in your life that loved enough about you to buy you anything, let alone something that cost hundreds of dollars, there were many less fortunate souls out there who could not appreciate being alive and well and loved because — you may want to sit down for this part — they got a different expensive gift than the one they wanted.

It's no secret that the CIA and FBI can read your emails for any old reason they choose without having to clear it with anyone first (because you're a terrorist). That was on track to change with an amendment attached to an upcoming bill... before said amendment was quietly dropped from said bill.

William Spengler Jr. — the man in upstate New York who ambushed four firefighters yesterday, killing two — left a three-page suicide note including this line, made public by police:

Today isn't just human Christmas, you guys. It's also pet Christmas, where people wrap and give gifts to their pets despite the animals having literally no idea what's going on. Nonetheless, watching cats and dogs gnaw and tear at wrapping paper to uncover a gift is undeniably cute, so let's all warm our hearts by watching pets — like Mac the puggle, who just could not wait to get his reindeer chew toy in the video above — open their Christmas presents.

Christmas Eve is a time to be spent in the company of your loving family — unless like me, for instance, you're a Jew who lives halfway across the country and instead went to see "Lincoln" alone (wow, was that movie long!). Or if, say, you spent Christmas Eve in prison like all of these people.

It's true — you only do live once, and in this lifetime, Drake wants a check for all that YOLO merchandise. The Canadian teardrop shed the holiday spirit on Christmas Eve in favor of a capitalist one, uploading two photos to Instagram of YOLO clothing and demanding that someone cut him a check. The photos were taken in a Walgreens and a Macy's, meaning that Drake is either a cheap and lazy Christmas shopper like the rest of us or he has a roving team of YOLO spies policing drug and department stores across the country (stop snitching!).

Merry Christmas! Come circle 'round the Gawker Yule Log GIF and complain about your family in the comfort of its looping digital glow. Happy Holidays, everyone.

After a day full of mostly terrible events, including another mass shooting and the drowning of a hero, we were due for some good news and here it is: Thanks to the generosity of officers from across Connecticut, every police officer in Newtown will have Christmas day off.

If you're bored and not as cynical as we are, you can track Santa's movement via NORAD here.