The website belonging to the United States Sentencing Commission is down this morning, following a hack by Anonymous overnight. The site, which normally bears information about sentencing guidelines for federal crimes, instead showed a nearly 10 minute long YouTube video and the same message typed below it.

Burt Reynolds is in a Florida ICU with the flu. If Burt Reynolds can get it, you don't stand a chance. Get a flu shot.

Here we find ourselves, the end of another week. If you think about it, knowing you'll never again live the week of January 20-26, 2012 can be a little melancholy. Then again, it was the coldest week in 17 years here in New York, so fuck this week.

Perhaps you've heard the Democratic Party — fresh off an electoral landslide in 2012 — has set its sights on a new goal: turning Texas into the nation's biggest swing state. Yes, gun-toting, secession-threatening Texas. But don't spit-take your kombucha just yet, because it's a completely feasible idea; here's why.

A fish shape appeared on Paumanok on Friday morning, carried in on high tide. A dolphin: It had started from the sea and made its way into Brooklyn from without, working along the wood and concrete embankments toward the river head, and by mid-morning it was paused by one of Gowanus's empty lots, surfacing and plunging out of and in to the mucoid black. A gathering crowd of locals and police watched it from the shore; it was hyperventilating and bleeding from its fin. Biologists from the Riverhead Foundation arrived. The next high tide wouldn't be until 7 p.m.

You may know Keith Rabois as one of the first employees of PayPal, a good friend of venture capitalist and tech god Peter Thiel, and a member of the "PayPal Mafia," a group of former PayPal higher-ups who went on to fundamentally shape the way Silicon Valley does business. Rabois is now the COO of the multibillion-dollar startup Square, or, at least he was until yesterday, when he resigned before publishing a grand open letter partially confessing to misdeeds related to an imprudent sex scandal.

The teenage daughter of a Minnesota man is accusing him of a pointing an AK-47 at her because she brought home a disappointing report card.

Sarah Palin has quit her second job in four years, leaving Fox News. Maverick move. Anyway, more time for shopping.

Kanye West's twitter account has just erupted like a geyser, spewing streams of single words into the atmosphere.

After being alerted by a reporter for WABC's Eyewitness News to the peril of a shivering pooch that had apparently been stranded outside by its owner on a bitterly cold night in Newark, Mayor Cory Booker responded by heading out into the cold to personally rescue the chilly dog from certain doom.

Political Media, the right-wing organization behind last weekend's "Gun Appreciation Day," which ultimately resulted in several accidental shootings, has reportedly decided to branch out in an effort to attract more blacks to its cause. The plan? "What Would Django Do?": a campaign that asks black people to look to the heavily armed and ceaselessly murderous hero from Quentin Tarantino's latest film when considering purchasing a firearm.

As all schoolchildren know, the Firsteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution reads, "No law passed by the federal government may be enforced UNLESS it is cool with a bunch of sheriffs of rural counties." Leave it to the NObama administration to flagrantly ignore this Divine Right of Random Sheriffs to Decide About the Legality All Laws Based on Just Whatever Pops Into Their Heads.

A short hop from Izmir to Istanbul became an interminable nightmare for 114 passengers when one of the engines on their Turkish Airline plane suddenly caught fire after being struck by lightning.

Recently, the New York Observer uncovered a new problem plaguing rich people: their giant homes are simply too big.

In 1992, KRS-One famously threw P.M. Dawn off the stage at a show in New York. In 2013, here is KRS-One sitting pensively on the beach in a flowing, billowy white garment, discussing politics as the wind whispers gently through his hair.

A likely terrified, apparently bleeding dolphin is stranded in the Gowanus Canal — the polluted Superfund site/former Mafia dumping ground running through central Brooklyn. Authorities and dolphin experts are on-scene, but no rescue operation can be attempted until for high tide — at 7 p.m.

Hollywood's most famous former child star Shirley Temple Black (sorry Jackie Coogan!) has been keeping a very low profile since serving as the United States Ambassador to Czechoslovakia under President George H. W. Bush.

When the video of a guy talking about filming a naked "gorilla" man is as entertaining as the video of the naked "gorilla" man itself, that's how you know you're in Philadelphia, city of stars, cast of lunatics.

It's been a rough week for Subway.

Fellow American: have you heard of Rob Ford, portly Canadian football fan and Mayor of Toronto, Canada's version of New York City? If not, you are missing out — and you better get on the Ford bandwagon soon because he might not be Mayor for much longer.