Babies are great except sometimes they aren't baby enough. "That bitch Kaixin from baby yoga always smells just like a baby! Why can't my baby do that?" you wonder to yourself. Fortunately for you, the fashion industry is here to help.

We've all been there.

Images released today by a judicial order provide a disturbing window into the hard drive — and fantasies — of "Cannibal Cop" Gilberto Valle, the NYPD officer accused of plotting to kidnap, kill and eat a woman: a photo of a naked woman, face down, hog-tied on a pan with an apple in her mouth. Another woman, bound and tied to a spit, rotating over an open campfire. A cartoon of a guy in an apron, adding salt to a pot in which a woman is being boiled alive.

Every single subway line in New York City was delayed this morning, as many of us learned much too late. The reason? "Inclement weather." Which in this case was fog. Fog broke the entire subway system.

Iconic crossover adult film star Ron Jeremy has been hospitalized at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles after doctors found an aneurysm near his heart.

WSB reporter Ross Cavitt captured this video of a tornado touching down in Adairsville, Ga. Wednesday. The tornado was a part of a string of storms moving across the southern part of the country.

Multiple people have reportedly been shot inside an office complex in Phoenix just hours after former Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee to deliver a statement on the need for more gun control.

This morning, Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick announced he would appoint William "Mo" Cowan as interim senator to fill newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry's seat until a special election. Cowan was Gov. Patrick's chief of staff from January 2011 to November 2012; before that he served as Patrick's chief legal counsel.

God is great, God is good, and Lindsay Lohan miraculously recovered from her grave upper respiratory infection in time to make it to court in L.A. today.

Dr. Phil says the man behind Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend Lennay Kekua, Roniah Tuiasosopo, told him he was "deeply, romantically in love" with Te'o and claims that the voice talking back to Te'o for countless hours on the phone was not his cousin, as reported by the New York Post, but him. Asked by Dr. Phil if he is gay, Tuiasosopo says that, yes, he is, then clarifies that he is "confused."

An honor student from one of Chicago's top schools who had just performed at President Obama's second inauguration ceremony last week was killed yesterday after being caught in the crossfire of a gang-related shooting.

Even the world's most famous socialist is making Goldman Sachs rich.

Israel reportedly conducted airstrikes on the Lebanese-Syrian border last night, targeting a convoy carrying missiles.

Mad Men is all set to perform a tipsy cha-cha-cha back onto our TV screens for its penultimate season April 7. In the meantime, AMC has released a slew of promotional pictures designed to remind everyone very clearly that this show features beautiful costumes, beautiful people, and lots of cigarettes.

"Speaking is difficult, but I need to say something important," former congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords told members of the Senate Judiciary Committee, currently convening hearings on gun safety. "We must do something. It will be hard but the time is now." This is the full text of her statement:

Unhappy with having to pay a restaurant's auto-gratuity of 18% for parties of eight or more, a pissed-off pastor used his receipt to express his indignation.

At 3:40 p.m. yesterday, an armed man boarded a school bus in Alabama, shot and killed the driver, and grabbed a young boy. Police are now entering the eighteenth hour of a standoff with the suspect, 67-year-old Jimmy Lee Dykes — holed up in an "underground bomb shelter" with his hostage.

A Taco Bell ad chastising party-poopers who bring veggie platters to Game Day has been pulled following a Twitter campaign launched by the Center for Science in the Public Interest.

New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman, a mustachioed humanoid robot with a limited vocabulary, was programmed by his creators to do whatever it takes to get his simple, cartoonish message across, even if that means repeating that message over and over and over without end in the nation's premier news outlet until all of us bow down and accept it, just to get him to stop saying it.

An online prank show in Serbia went straight to the top for their latest "Mission Impossible" gag, targeting the country's Prime Minister, Ivica Dačić.