Are you a Conservative Parent looking to send your child to a college where he or she can have at least one class free of that omnipresent liberal bias you've heard so much about? Then you're in luck! The University of Colorado, Boulder is finally getting its very own conservative professor.

The two women whose truck was shot 100 times by the LAPD are finally getting money for a replacement, five weeks later.

Chelsea Clinton bought a $10.5 million apartment in Manhattan today as her dad celebrated a basketball win across town.

Sort of. The company reportedly added 15,000 jobs in the U.S. last year, outpacing their brethren-in-saturated-fat at KFC, Pizza Hut, and McDonald's, according to Greg Creed, the company's CEO. But how were they able to accomplish such an economy-saving feat? By creating and then patenting the revolutionary Doritos Locos Taco, that's how.

Matthew Keys, the deputy social media editor at Reuters, was federally indicted today for allegedly conspiring with Anonymous to deface various news sites run by the Tribune Company, one of Keys's former employers. If convicted, Keys faces up to 25 years in prison and a maximum fine of $250,000.

Why does the universe continue to test Justin Bieber?

K-11, the directorial debut of Kristen Stewart's mom Jules Stewart, is like a weird nightmare you just woke up from, in which you went to jail, watched someone shit out a balloon full of coke, stared at No.2 pencil-drawn chola eyebrows for way too long, heard someone howl, "I want a jailhouse fuck and I want it now!" while never quite grasping why anyone is doing what they're doing, ever. And did you get buttfucked? It's too fuzzy to be sure. It's the B-est, gayest, longest episode of Oz. It's madness, borderline camp and it seems to be aiming for something as sleazily quotable as Showgirls. It can't touch those debased heights, but any movie featuring an old, effete prisoner shouting, "I ain't leavin' here without my laxative! I'm in pain, god damn it!" either knows what it's doing or at least is wise enough to stay out of its own ridiculous way.

In his sleep, no less.

The complete and total collapse of the global economy had at least one upside for Americans: it briefly stopped them from moving to brand new housing developments in hellish southwestern desert exurbs. Only for a few years though, alas. The great migration of Americans towards hot places their children will come to loathe is back on!

Two Dollar Tree employees allegedly tried to pull off a settlement scam by claiming they found razor blades stuffed inside donuts on sale at a food store in Draper, Utah.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions (max: 200 words) to caity@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

Does each mention of "the power of crowdsourcing" fill you with blind rage? Are you sick of geeks foisting the latest Kickstarter-funded self-tracking weight loss gadget upon you as if your main problem is a lack of awareness of just how lazy you are? Think memes are horseshit? You will love Evgeny Morozov.

This is a very brief video about a marvelous friendship between a Cheshire cat grin of a moon and what looks like his comet buddy chasing after him.

When James P. of Brisbane, Australia, noticed a man engaging in some not-safe-for-work activities in the office across the way from his, he did what anyone with a cellphone and a Twitter account would do: He posted a photo of the impropriety on the Internet for all to see.

People complaining to the FCC about Beyonce's halftime show note angrily "gyrated her pelvis" because they live in 1956

The Boston Globe reports that venerated alt weekly the Boston Phoenix is shuttering after nearly five decades. Very sad.

In a last-ditch effort to convince a pair of pandas to take advantage of their brief annual breeding season, scientists at China's Chengdu Research Base for Giant Panda Breeding turned to good ol' fashioned panda porn.

In February of 1987, deputies were transporting inmate William R. Blake to court in Dewitt, New York, to face drug and robbery charges. Blake grabbed a deputy's gun and shot two officers, killing one. He was apprehended immediately. For the past 25 years, Blake has been in solitary confinement in a prison in upstate New York. He will not leave prison alive.

This has got to be the most explicit and NSFW of all oddities discovered on Google Streetview. A prostitute giving a hand job to a "bloke" (that's British for, "prostitute customer" ) in a back alley in Manchester, which seems like a lovely town, by the way. Google took down the images soon after they were spotted by the Google Sightseeing blog, but the incident was memorialized by a troll who renamed the alley "Hand Job Alley" on Google Maps (also removed.) The wonders of crowd-sourcing.

Today the New York City Police Department, under the leadership of Commissioner Ray Kelly and Mayor Michael Bloomberg, will conduct its five millionth stop-and-frisk procedure, according to a data analysis from the New York Civil Liberties Union.