A man in Kalamazoo was surprised to learn that the deer he hit with his car and put in his trunk wasn't so much dead as very much alive.

Esquire magazine's editorial philosophy can be summed up as "Booze, Bacon, Bourbon, Books, Broads, Boobs, and Bros Talking About Fashion But Uh, Not in a Gay Way." Actually, we're just giving them a hard time. The real editorial philosophy of Esquire, as stated by Esquire's UK editor, is simply: "Women are objects."

Mayor Bloomberg said today that he would veto a plan to put an inspector general in the NYPD. God bless transparency.

If ever there was a reason to call for a mistrial.

Harry Reems, a former adult film star who is best remembered for his leading role in the seminal porn film Deep Throat, passed away yesterday at the age of 65.

Good day to you all. It is time for "Hey, Science," our splendidly scientific weekly feature in which we have your most provocative scientific questions answered by real live scientists (or related experts). No question is too intelligent for our legion of learned persons, and the real winner is you, the public. This week, scientists answer the question: Why is there no male contraceptive pill?

Jon Hamm's penis: everywhere it goes it causes a big hullabaloo. "It's my world," the penis scoffs, studying its reflection in the mounted vanity mirror,"y'all are just living in it."

"I supported the Iraq War, and I'm sorry." Ezra Klein's apology is one of the less weaselly ones you'll find.

It's a problem we've all experienced: a new beau's yacht is docked uncomfortably close to an ex's yacht. Even with a spacious deck and multiple bedrooms, parlors, and lounge spaces in the hull, everyone could be forced to wave to each other while sunning.

If you are unfortunate enough to be one of the 12 million officially unemployed Americans today, there are a few things you can do to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps: 1) Be born wealthier; 2) invest your copious disposable income in a diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds and wait 30 years; and 3) do not believe your country's empty promises to you.

Every year on the first day of spring, Rita's Italian Ice celebrates Persephone's joyous homecoming by hosting a hedonistic pagan orgy of flavors and colors and temperatures inside everyone's mouths. Right now, it's a balmy 34° degrees in New York, which can only mean one thing: spring has sprung. TIME TO GET FREE RITA'S.

While the Magic and the Pacers passed a striped orange ball around in the hopes of throwing it repeatedly into a netted hoop, the real entertainment was taking place in the stands.

President Obama arrived in Israel today on his first state trip to the country and the first leg of his tour of the Middle East. He is expected to discuss the crisis in Syria and Iran's disputed nuclear program with the leaders of Israel. He also plans to go to the West Bank on Thursday to meet with Palestinian officials, but there are not many expectations for progress towards peace.

When a cringe-inflaming YouTube prom proposal from a Milken Community High School senior to supermodel Kate Upton first began making the rounds earlier this week, most brushed it off as just another on of those videos.

Zillur Rahman, the president of Bangladesh, has died in a hospital in Singapore following a long illness.

South Korea's three main broadcasters and two of its major banks were paralyzed on Wednesday by a massive outbreak of malicious code that crashed and displayed "skulls" on some computers, thought by many to be a retaliatory cyberattack from North Korea. The television channels KBS, MBC, YTN and the banks Nonghyup and Shinhan Bank had their computer systems simultaneously shut down at around 2 p.m., with employees unable to boot up their computers or access the internet; by 4 p.m., the systems had been restored. Media outlets were able to continue broadcasting, but Shinhan found that its internet banking and some ATMs were rendered inoperable. The South Korean government has launched an investigation and upgraded its information operations condition; North Korea has been threatening to launch a cyberattack since last week, when it accused the U.S. and South Korea of hacking computers in Pyongyang. The hack is believed to have come through services provided by LG. [BBC | Korea Herald | AJE]

Remember when conservative comedian and Fox News contributor Steven Crowder was punched in the face by a union activist outside a Michigan protest? Crowder made a big deal about it, even going so far as to challenge the protester to a "legal, sanctioned mixed martial arts bout." Then came the unsurprising revelation that the video was misleadingly edited to make Crowder look like an innocent, if obnoxious, victim.

Seven months after they first broke up, America's best-matched couple, John Mayer and Katy Perry, have again called it quits. According to US Weekly, the two, who have dated since last summer, split because of issues over their schedules. But don't worry! There's hope they might get back together, according to the magazine's surely reliable sources.

When 18-year-old Austin Whaley and a few of his buddies decided to run into the famed Convington, Kentucky bingo hall and yell "bingo," they probably thought it'd be a fun, harmless prank. They couldn't have been more wrong. Police Sgt. Richard Webster, fresh off the career case, described the scene at the hall, which was mostly filled with elderly women, after the false "bingo" shout:

One day after his client, 16-year-old Ma'lik Richmond, was convicted by an Ohio judge of raping an incapacitated girl, attorney Walter Madison said on CNN's Piers Morgan Live that he plans to appeal the verdict and that Richmond should not have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.