If the moral theologians in practice among us were engined by anything properly describable as apostolic zeal, they would be giving over a large part of their time, in these apocalyptic days, to teaching their catechumens how to drink. For it must be manifest that some such teaching is sorely needed in this great republic. Drinking with skill and taste is no more a natural art than love; either it must be learned by the onerous process of trial and error, or it must be taught. Plainly enough, the latter way is the better; but so far there is no sign that the guides appointed for gropers are ready to take it.

Attention: Women of Princeton.

Internet memes are often portrayed as the last bastion of truly spontaneous culture—almost magic things that spawn haphazardly from the digital mire. This may have been somewhat true with early internet memes. (After all, what corporation would want to co-opt Goatse?) But today memes are as corporate as any other form of popular culture.

Dataspin, a weekly data visualization column on Deadspin, makes occasional appearances on Gawker.

Joe Sly is such a hardcore Boston punk. He's so punk, his email address is Bostonbeatgang@gmail.com. He's so punk that he proactively emails noise bands to see when and where they're coming to Boston to play some of those "DIY concerts." He's so punk his Google+ motto—this oxymoron just gets better—is "What's the point," his disaffection so deeply punk the statement doesn't even merit a question mark on his profile.

A miniature tree door of unknown origin just showed up one day in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, and has been captivating neighborhood residents ever since.

Michelle Rhee, the controversial former head of DC's public schools, won't admit her child goes to private school.

Proving that even at his worst, he is among the best, impish rapper Lil Wayne appeared on L.A.'s Power 106 to discuss his new album, I Am Not a Human Being II, and not dying. Wayne added his voice to the chorus disappointed by his new set of songs — Human Being II has received mixed reviews and is one of the most tepidly received releases in the critical darling's oeuvre.

A dentist's office in suburban Tusla, Oklahoma could have exposed 7,000 patients to a variety of blood-borne viruses including hepatitis B, hepatitis C, and HIV. Susan Rogers, executive director of the Oklahoma Board of Dentistry, described the office as a "perfect storm." She said that health investigators were at a loss for words to describe the breach of proper procedures:

A woman has had the tips of five of her toes removed after police say a coworker who was stalking her slipped hydrofluoric acid into her shoes.

Steven Landsburg is an economics professor at the University of Rochester. Formerly a Slate columnist, Landsburg is well-versed in the art of the high-minded counterintuitive take, like "Don't Vote: It makes more sense to play the lottery" and "Do the Poor Deserve Life Support?" With this as his background, Landsburg's students have come to expect a bit of intellectual boldness from the instructor, whom they once elected Professor of the Year, as Landsburg's own website is quick to note. But last week, one of Landsburg's thought experiments crossed the border that separates irreverent from rapey, and at least two students were offended in the process.

Like the film that provides its source material, Rodney Ascher's new-media documentary Room 237 about Stanley Kubrick's 1980 horror film The Shining, is a cinematic vise. However, 237 owes it tension not to the spiraling madness of its central character, but to discourse that threatens to spiral into madness.

North Korean leader Kim Jon Un has placed his nation's missiles on standby and announced that he is targeting the American mainland. The leader has made recent brash public gestures of militarism, and the Pentagon has vowed to strengthen our nation's West Coast missile defenses in response. With tensions between the U.S. and the unpredictable North Korea at an all time high, the slightest signal by either side could set off a cascading set of responses that could end in disaster. So you can imagine the shockwaves rippling throughout the intelligence community right now, as analysts try to parse the latest strategic volley from North Korea's official news service:

Finally, a Pepsi bottle appropriate for your high-octane lifestyle.

Come for the 58-, 63-year-old Richmond, Virginia, resident "getting his Kung Fu Nunchuck Panda on" in the Parking Lot of a local Food Lion on Good Friday, stay for Rev. Aamon R. "Who's Your Daddy" Miller's good-mood-resurrecting play-by-play.

Theological seminaries are struggling as their popularity declines. Ehh... can't bring ourselves to cry.

Bronson Pinchot's resumé has been mostly made up of odd jobs since his fame dwindled just before the turn of the century.

Authorities in Spartanburg, South Carolina, arrested 36-year-old Tyshekka Collier after she allegedly slapped a boy she mistakenly believed was her son.

Michelle Shocked is still at it — with her mouth taped in protest of a canceled gig, she's more intelligible than ever.

A Sheriff's Office in Florida recently learned that a phone number it has been handing out to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault actually leads to a phone sex line.