Pitchfork is streaming the new Knife album early. The display is seizure-inducing, so you'll definitely feel something.

An attempt to make a clean getaway turned into a scene right out of a screwball comedy for one Australia thief who slammed into a glass door on his way out of a shopping mall in Perth.

Lindsay Lohan tweeted that she's pregnant, but she's probably not. It's always April Fools' somewhere.

New York State Senator Malcolm A. Smith and City Councilman Daniel J. Halloran were arrested early this morning on charges of trying to rig the New York City mayoral race. The two men were among several facing federal corruption charges.

Footage posted to YouTube late last week shows a Brazilian woman being pulled out of the way of an oncoming train at quite literally the very last second.

Bassem Youssef, the Egyptian TV host and satirist known as "Egypt's Jon Stewart," was arrested over the weekend for insulting President Mohamed Morsi and Islam. America's Jon Stewart, who's had Youssef on as a guest in the past, took the opportunity to defend his friend and counterpart (and knock Morsi for anti-Semitism) on The Daily Show last night.

Declaring that North Korea's "nuclear armed forces represent the nation's life which can never be abandoned as long as the imperialists and nuclear threats exist on earth," Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un announced today that the country would be restarting a nuclear reactor it had shut down in 2007, reneging on an agreement it had reached in multilateral talks at the time. The news that the Yongbyon nuclear complex would "restart all nuclear facilities" comes a day after the U.S. sent the destroyer U.S.S. John S. McCain on patrol in the region, and reflected the bellicose tone that Pyongyang has taken since its third successful nuclear test in February. Luckily we're still a ways away from war; all threats between North and South Korea have been conditional ("we will turn your country into a sea of fire... if you provoke us"), and the relaunch of Yongbyon is unlikely to make a huge difference to the country's arsenal. Nonetheless, top U.S. commander in South Korea Gen. James Thurman expressed concern on Good Morning America that an "impulsive decision" by the DPRK leadership could cause "kinetic provocation." [CNN, The Atlantic Wire, NBC]

When Luis Brignoni, a 41-year-old Florida Man, heard screams from his backyard, he went outside to discover a terrible scene: his 11-year-old son, Fernando, screaming and bloody-handed as his older son, 13-year-old Luis Jr, stood nearby, beating the family dog over the head with a stick. The dog, a Malamute-wolf mix named Sassy, had just bitten off Fernando's finger and was holding it in its mouth. Brignoni approached the dog to retrieve the severed digit but by that time it was too late – Sassy had swallowed the little finger.

The man suspected of killing Tom Clements was released from jail four years early due to a clerical error.

Easter. A time associated with family, church, and, if you're lucky, a day off from work. But what Christ-honoring holiday would be complete without a bloody brawl between overly competitive mothers at an Easter Egg hunt? Thankfully, two moms in Seattle stepped in to fill this year's void.

According to a new lawsuit, Arianna Huffington left quite the mess behind when she moved out of a rented loft in Chelsea. The 4,400 square foot, $27,000-a-month apartment was left in such bad shape that its owner, Eric Steel, is suing Huffington for $275,000 in damages.

The creepy footage of two people being kidnapped in Manhattan turned out to be part of a birthday prank.

Earlier today, some media outlets published a wackadoo rumor that Facebook co-founder and real life Justin Timberlake Sean Parker was planning to marry his fiancée in a medieval, Game of Thrones-themed, costume-mandatory ceremony this summer.

Today's game: speak only in Kim Kardashian's lines from Temptation. "Are you kidding. Oh my…thank you." The full list.

Ever since the New York City Police Department initiated its reviled stop-and-frisk technique, the force's laughable refrain has been that its officers are not engaging in racial profiling. It may not look like racial profiling to Mayor Michael Bloomberg or NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly, who oversee stop and frisk, but to the millions of blacks and Latinos harassed by the NYPD over the years it is a blatant campaign against dark skin.

On Saturday, the Wall Street Journal published a controversial op-ed from Pittsburgh high school senior Suzy Lee Weiss, who was very annoyed she had not been accepted into her dream college, even though she had wanted to be accepted into her dream college.

For about 20 minutes this morning, the top headline on the Drudge Report was "DRONES TO DELIVER NEWSPAPERS." It was a nice bit for Drudge, one that satisfied both his obsession with drones and his obsession with media, and had a good future-shock value for his aging, perpetually terrified audience. It was also, obviously, an April Fool's Day joke.

Chris Brown's contrived redemption tour continues — in an interview with Matt Lauer that aired earlier this morning on Today to promote his underwhelming new single "Fine China," the singer repeatedly emphasized how good and positive his current state of mind is. He did this with words. ("For my album and what I'm promoting as far as the single or whatever it is, it's just about me being positive..." "Everything's good. We're fine." "I'm not really focused on the negative. Everything is positive for me." "Movin' forward. Positive.") He also did this with his shirt, which sported a print of interlocking hearts, peace signs and laurel wreaths. Behold, love's champion.

Tech titan and TechCrunch founder Michael Arrington is known for his virtual outbursts and high temper when it comes to Silicon Valley drama, and his yacht. But an ex-girlfriend now claims that Arrington was violent toward her in real life, and threatened to "murder" her if she told anyone.

Chris Heath's definitive story of the Zanesville wild-animal slaughter is a National Magazine Award finalist. Congrats!