Finally, an honest Catholic official!

There are two broad reasons why you might attend the Oscars. The first would be to enjoy the grand pageantry of the insanely rich and famous congratulating each other for completing the difficult but necessary act of making motion pictures. The second would be to do your job. Prior to this past Sunday’s ceremony, Los Angeles’ newspaper of record found itself being torn apart by these two distinct functions.

They came to Germany in search of better lives. But they left Germany in search of better food.

A study finds that a cheap, simple portfolio of three Vanguard index funds achieved better returns over five and ten years than almost all of the college endowments in America, which pay huge fees to hedge funds and elite money managers. Keep fuckin that chicken, smart people.

If you ride public transit in Maryland, there’s a chance that a device installed on your bus is listening to and recording your conversations. Fortunately for you, you’re probably more likely to be silently hammering your way through Return of Candy Crush: Birds Who Are Both Angry and Flappy than you are to be talking to you neighbor, anyway.

Last night Donald Trump addressed and contested, in part, a BuzzFeed report about a series of off-the-record remarks he allegedly made to the editorial board of the New York Times indicating he may be more flexible about immigration than his harsh campaign rhetoric has suggested.

In a newly declassified document taken from the Pakistani compound where Osama bin Laden was killed, the millionaire Al Qaeda honcho provided a will for his estate. His own flesh and blood got peanuts.

Yesterday, thousands of Bernie Sanders’ supporters began sharing what appeared to be a straightforward New York Times article—which you can read here—about Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren’s decision to endorse Sanders for President of the United States. Attributed to Jonathan Martin and Alexander Burns, both of whom are real Times reporters, the piece was written in convincing Times-ese, down to the headline (“Warren Endorses Sanders, Breaking With Colleagues”), lead sentence (“In a potentially decisive turn...”), and perfunctory quotes from the Sanders campaign and several disappointed Clinton surrogates. There were two major problems with the article, though: It wasn’t a real Times report, and Warren has not in fact endorsed Sanders.

Diners: not a fast food restaurant, but also not a “real” restaurant. Something in between. Seems like it should be in between the price of fast food and a real restaurant. But is it?

Ohhhh boy. Louis Farrakhan, the Nation of Islam leader and prominent black activist and minister, is a fan of Donald Trump. Can you guess why? The Republican frontrunner “is the only mem­ber who has stood in front of Jew­ish com­mu­nity, and said I don’t want your money,” Farrakhan said in a speech Sunday.

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper last night, the future First Lady of the United States Melania Trump uttered several different words, some familiar—“I’m my own person,” she repeated multiple times—and some new.

The hedge fund run by billionaire investor Carl Icahn, Donald Trump’s highest-profile supporter in the financial world, just posted its worst annual losses since the financial crisis. Everything is good.

Luke Thorburn, the Goldman Sachs employee identified in a New York Times story last week as the only person at the company to contribute to Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, has been placed on administrative leave.

On Monday, the Guardian reports, French police and migrants clashed as authorities continued to demolish sections of the refugee camp in the port town of Calais known as “the Jungle.” Buildings housing about 200 people were dismantled, and some makeshift shelters caught fire.

The CDC estimates that 700,000 people in Puerto Rico, or about 20 percent of the population, could be infected with the Zika virus by the end of the year. “I don’t think we’re going to be able to stop the Zika outbreak.”

In Georgia on Monday, about 30 black Valdosta State University students were removed from a Donald Trump campaign event, hosted at the school’s PE complex. The students were removed at the candidate’s request, the Des Moines Register reports, before the event even began.

Notoriously hypocritical anti-abortion Congressman Scott DesJarlais, Republican from Tennessee (which is a Super Tuesday state), has endorsed Donald Trump, the Guardian reports. DesJarlais’s ex-wife and his mistress have undergone abortions either at his behest or as the result of a “mutual decision.”

Four students have been injured in a shooting at Madison Junior/Senior High School in Middletown, Ohio, on Monday, after a 14-year-old allegedly opened fired in the lunchroom. None of the injuries are life-threatening.

Tallman Trask III is an executive vice president at Duke University. In that capacity, he serves as the school’s “principal administrative and fiscal officer.” On Aug, 30, 2014, a school parking attendant says that Trask hit her with his Porsche and then, as he was driving away, called her a “dumb, dumb, stupid nigger.”