Pity the 10 innocent souls who, thinking themselves in for a regular ride up the elevator at a Colorado Springs hotel on Saturday, instead spent 30 minutes locked up in a tiny box with the biggest asshole in America.

Topless drawler Matthew Mcconaughey is now the “creative director” for Wild Turkey bourbon, producing this ad in which he declares, “I found a story here in Wild Turkey.” Now see if you can tell it without talking, man.

If you somehow haven’t yet lost your appetite for RNC/DNC reporting after the last two weeks of coverage, consider Jill Lepore’s dispatches from the conventions, which render the history that brought us to this flashpoint as vividly as they do the confusing experience of being on the ground in Cleveland and Philly.

On Monday morning, Donald Trump attempted to clarify the incomprehensible position he staked out this weekend in an interview with George Stephanopoulos. “When I said in an interview that Putin is ‘not going into Ukraine, you can mark it down,’ I am saying if I am President. Already in Crimea!” he tweeted. In the interview, Trump had said that Vladimir Putin is “not going into Ukraine, okay, just so you understand. He’s not gonna go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.”

From a Slate interview with Jonathan Franzen, America’s most indubitably Franzenish novelist:

On Sunday, at the twice-yearly gathering of the libertarian mega-industrialist Koch brothers’ donor network, Charles Koch told some 400 conservative financiers in no uncertain terms that his network of dark money organizations would not be supporting Donald Trump. What is more, Koch said, rumors that he would support Hillary Clinton are “a blood libel.”

Just hours after The New York Times published a story noting Mike Pence’s conspicuous silence on Donald Trump’s ongoing feud with the parents of a slain Muslim soldier, the Indiana Governor released a statement on Sunday claiming that, actually, Trump respects Khizr and Ghazala Khan a whole bunch.

Late on Saturday night, amid Donald Trump’s ongoing feud with Gold Star parents Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the New York Post, which endorsed Trump in April, published several nude photographs of the candidate’s wife. “THE OGLE OFFICE,” the Post’s Sunday edition punned.

In the wake of Donald Trump’s bigoted attacks on the parents of a fallen Muslim soldier, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan issued separate statements on Sunday defending Khizr and Ghazala Khan while strangely failing to mention the Republican presidential candidate who insulted them.

The Lexington Herald-Leader reported on Saturday that the Republican Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul, has yet to pay off $301,108 in debt accrued during his failed presidential bid, according to his most recent Federal Elections Commission filing, on June 30. Poor Rand only has $2,558 in cash on hand to balance his debts, at present.

Before spending the weekend going back and forth with DNC speaker Khizr Khan, whose son died serving the U.S. Army in Iraq, Donald Trump sat down with George Stephanopoulos to talk about Putin, foreign policy, and just how much Michael Bloomberg sucks at golf. It is, perhaps, one of Trump’s most embarrassing election interviews yet.

On Thursday, former International Business Times Media employees took to Twitter to protest what they believe to be meager severance packages (among other deplorable company practices) with the hashtag #IBTWTF.

Khizr Khan, whose speech at the DNC was a runaway success and has revived America’s long stagnant pocket-Constitution market, continued his media tour today with harsh words against GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump.

A new national survey from Public Policy Polling has revealed some startling truths about the American public. Specifically, the fact that 5 percent of voters believe that Harambe, the dead ape widely understood to be in Ape Hell, is the best possible candidate for President of the United States.

Today, Donald Trump managed to signal disdain for Muslims, women, military families and probably everyone else, in a single interview.

Last season on “Donald Trump Is Terrified of Being Humiliated by People Who Actually Know What They’re Talking About,” Trump set a precedent of laying groundwork for his debate ditching long before the actual debate could take place. And now, season two Trump is gearing up to be just as craven.

Authorities said that a hot air balloon carrying 16 people crashed in Central Texas early Saturday morning, according to the Associated Press. The crash was apparently caused by a fire on board, and authorities say it’s likely there are no survivors.