Chris Christie, the loudmouth prick who was deemed too fat to be vice president, has been re-elected as the governor of New Jersey.

The bodies of a family missing since Saturday morning have been found in an abandoned home outside of Jackson, Mississippi. Police have arrested Timothy Lydell Burns, 42, on charges of murder and arson.

A kind-eyed Romanian doctor announced this week that he, along with a team of colleagues at Babeş-Bolyai University, had made a marvelous and potentially life-saving stride for medicine, science, and humanity following the successful completion of a round of testing on the artificial blood product they have devoted the last six years of their lives to developing. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE A BUNCH OF VAMPIRES.

According to Vice, Rob Ford's spokesman located a password-protected copy of a video of his boss smoking crack online and hired a "hacker" to destroy it.

The Illinois House just passed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage. The bill now heads to the Senate, which already passed the measure, for a technical change to its effective date. Governor Pat Quinn has pledged to sign the bill into law, thus making Illinois the 15th state (including D.C.) to recognize gay marriage.

The subjects of Britain's royal monarchy will doubtless be spluttering with gobsmacked rage when they hear that Prince Charles may in fact be getting an unfair advantage on his taxes.

A Sasquatch hunting expedition in Oklahoma ended in tragedy this weekend when one hunter accidentally shot another in the back. A subsequent investigation led to three arrests: the trigger-happy hunter, the trigger-happy hunter's father, and the trigger-happy hunter's wife.

At 4:20 p.m. on Tuesday, November 5, 2013, a security guard in Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's office commenced a press conference by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who smokes crack. Ford told the assembled reporters that he would not step down after admitting to smoking crack. The reporters laughed at him.

Enrollment of international students in US grad schools leaped by 10% this year. Which might just balance out the fact that the majority of first-generation American college students are not academically prepared for college.

19-year-old NYU student Asher Vongtau is counting his blessings. Over the weekend, the Pittsburgh native fell from the roof of his Tribeca dorm, where he had been drinking, into the terrifyingly narrow space between the dorm and the adjacent building on Lafayette Street—and wasn’t discovered, thankfully alive, until 36 hours later. How did he survive the ordeal? His mother told told Trevor Kapp at DNAInfo that actor and NYU grad James Franco played a role:

This morning, Rob Ford admitted what we already knew: that he has smoked crack cocaine. “Exactly,” the Toronto mayor replied when asked, for the 10,000^th time, if he has smoked crack. “Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine.” But how did we finally get here? Let's look back.

Late last month, the NYPD was embarrassed when cops allegedly threw a man in jail for a day after mistaking his Jolly Ranchers for meth. But not every innocent interaction with the NYPD has to end in a cell. According to a new lawsuit, sometimes New York City cops are willing to let people who have committed no crimes go in exchange for an impromptu rap performance.

Full screenshot below:

At what point does a startup stop being a startup, and become just another store at the airport?

If you're anything like me, your favorite movie of 2013 so far is "Amazing Helmet-Cam Video of Skydivers on One Plane When Another Plane Hits Them," followed by Olympus Has Fallen. How many planes must crash into one another triumphantly before we accept that air travelers should all be wearing parachutes?

Today, we're going to talk about whether the internet is Good or Bad for society.

A man in New Mexico is suing after a routine traffic stop ended in several gross civil-rights violations, including an anal cavity search for which he was charged by the hospital. The man was pulled over after rolling a stop sign, but ended up getting several invasive searches requested by the police on flimsy evidence. They never did find any drugs.

Central Connecticut State University was thrown into a panic yesterday when reports of an armed person on the premises sent the campus into a lockdown. After three hours of worry, it was over: a suspect had been arrested, no weapon was found, and police say there was never a threat in the first place. What gives?

The Colbert Report has a new Twitter feed about Fox News, and it's brilliant.

Here, via CTV News, is a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who smokes crack cocaine, telling reporters 30 minutes ago that he smoked crack cocaine.