While standing next to his wife—whose pussy he eats—Rob Ford publicly apologized for Thursday morning's pussy-eating remarks. But in the mayhem of the day's second press conference focused on oral sex, a child was hit on the head with a camera and all field trips to city hall have been canceled due to "safety issues."

It takes a special kind of asshole to deny a server a tip, but the world is filled with special assholes, lacking brains and compassion but wielding credit cards, pens, and a holy sense of self-righteousness.

Six weeks after CNBC's Maria Bartiromo scoffed at Alex Pareene for attempting to discuss JPMorgan's shady dealings in China, the New York Times again reports that U.S. officials are scrutinizing JPMorgan to ascertain "whether the bank swapped contracts and jobs for business deals with state-owned Chinese companies."

As much as you might think you're ready to experience the cuteness contained in this deceptively short video, there is no way you're ready.

Dog origins! Killer drugs! Sex fossils! Hot climate! Oldest microbes! Quantum computing! Electric crystals! Underwater islands! And our ever-changing tree canopy! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—from afar!

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has recalled a vanity license plate that reads "NOT SEE" after the school bus driver who ordered it turned out to be a Nazi.

We're taught from a young age that correlation doesn't mean causation. But it's easy to get sucked in by studies claiming that, say, a more active sex life means a fatter wallet: Although it's often much more complicated than A-equals-B, correlational studies are much easier to process and share. But two brave researchers recently published a paper aiming to show how ridiculous we all look bragging about our chocolate consumption to all our closest Facebook friends.

TV One's Unsung, a modern day version of Behind the Music that often focuses on lesser known R&B/hip-hop/dance acts, is among the most captivating and well-constructed shows of its kind. It is consistently peak-Behind the Music levels of excellent. Case in point was last night's particularly inspired episode about Houston-based gangsta rap pioneers the Geto Boys, who are best known for their classic 1991 single "Mind Playing Tricks on Me."

Spirit Airlines, the absolute shittiest airline operating in America, according to me, is marking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's downward spiral by offering cheap flights to the Toronto area via a special deal. The tagline, from an email blast just sent to customers: "We're not smoking crack." That sure is a cheap flight, but, again, do not fly Spirit Airlines—it is a goddamn nightmare.

You should probably think twice before borrowing erotica from your local public library. I mean, for the obvious reasons, but also because Belgian scientists recently found a library copy of Fifty Shades of Grey bearing trace amounts of herpes. And do you really think that's an isolated incident?

Yesterday, the Daily Currant, the world's worst "satire" site, published a fake news story about Charlie Sheen calling for Toronto mayor Rob Ford's resignation. Many, many people fell for the "joke," including Sheen, who was so offended that he tweeted a bizarre apology poem to Ford.

[Iranian Shiites cover themselves with mud during Ashoura, marking the death anniversary of Imam Hussein, the grandson of Islam's Prophet Muhammad. Photo by Ebrahim Noroozi via AP]

A US Airways Express flight from Philadelphia to Long Island was canceled yesterday evening after passengers staged a protest against the crew's ejection of a blind man over a dispute concerning his guide dog.

Earlier today, Genevieve Sabourin was found guilty of stalking and harassing Alec Baldwin and was sentenced to seven months in prison. Baldwin celebrated the news in the most Alec Baldwin-way possible: by calling a photographer a "cocksucking fag."

Post-collegiate wailing wall Thought Catalog is more than a just a place for 20somethings to write about dumb bullshit; it's a place for 20somethings to share their valuable life lessons.

I haven't seen anything this disgusting on TLC since the bug-eating enthusiast ate a giant caterpillar that a non-enthusiast went on to describe as tasting like a bad clam. And I've seen a lot of disgusting shit on TLC—I'm an avid watcher of Toddlers & Tiaras.

Al Qaeda-linked militants fighting in Syria scrambled to head off an embarrassing decapitation gaffe this week, asking for "understanding and forgiveness" after mistakenly cutting off and displaying the head of an ally.

Famed New York City bookstore the Strand has allegedly been hosing down homeless people with its sprinkler system in an effort to discourage them from sleeping beneath its trademark red awning overnight. Jesus Christ. We thought reading was supposed to make you more empathetic.

Teens! Some of us hate them. Some of us love them. Some of us make love to them, because we are their co-counselors at Camp Lackawanna for Troubled Youths, celebrating a hard-won color war victory by the light of the curfew break moon. Or because we are the 39-year-old actor Joaquin Phoenix.

We've showcased several amazing (and amazingly useless) talents over the last couple of weeks, but only this waiter's impressive echo talent comes with an equally amusing backstory.